


I Can't Do It Without My Brother

by Kauri510



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Dean is Eighteen Years Old, Demon Deals, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gang Rape, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mark of Cain, Mary Lives, Neglect, Parent/Child Incest, Platonic Soulmates, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 19:53:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 48,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6128278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kauri510/pseuds/Kauri510
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. "You know what I think? I think it should be you up there." </p><p>Sam Winchester will do anything to make things right for Dean. The Mark of Cain must never come come in contact with Dean. Sam replays Dean's words over and over. There's only one thing he can do to make everything right, not only for Dean but for everyone else that they have come to love and that's at a crossroads. </p><p>Sam makes a deal for everything to start over from the beginning... without him. What will that do to Dean if there was never a Sam?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters. I wish I did but I don't. Maybe one day... but most likely not.

"You know what I think? I think it should be you up there."

Sam's heart skipped a beat as soon as those words left his brother's mouth. He stood there frozen in place. Was he serious? Never in all of their lives did he ever expect his brother to say anything like that to him.

Sam was having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that because of him they lost Charlie. He was never going to be able to forgive himself knowing that it was him that killed her. He could have stopped trying to find a cure for his brother when the others had told him to, but he didn't.

He was ashamed to admit that even though he knew this was a dangerous game he was playing, he didn't care who got caught in the crossfire if it meant that Dean would be saved.

Dean didn't do anything more; he only walked away. Sam watched as his brother walked away... walked away from him.

* * *

Dean didn't care that what he said to his brother hurt him, because that was the point. He was beyond pissed off. He told his brother that nothing good would come from messing with the damn book. But no! His stubborn ass brother had to ignore his warning and do it anyway. Why couldn't Sam for once just trust him?! If he had just listened, Charlie would still be alive!

He didn't even bother checking if Sam was following, because honestly all he wanted to do was get as far away from him as he could. He knew that if they stayed together, Dean just might beat the shit out of him. Charlie didn't deserve what happened or this life. Dammit!

Looking back at their lives and friends, Charlie was dead the minute she entered their lives. He fought back the tears and instead used it to fuel his already fueled anger. He got into his car and turned it on. Without a hint of hesitation, Dean put the Impala in drive and sped off without looking back. If he did he would have seen the heartbroken look on his brother's face.

* * *

Sam followed after his brother with one last look at Charlie. He hoped that she was happy in Heaven. There was no doubt that that's where she would be. If anyone deserved to be in Heaven it would be her.

Sam was a little scared to be in the car with his brother after what he was told. He was already dying a little more with the guilt of having killed Charlie. He knew that he should have listened when he was told not to go through with this, but he had to. Didn't Dean understand that this was important? Didn't he understand that this was about his life?! He knew that Dean cared very little about himself, so that's why Sam took up the position to save his brother.

He was so sorry that Charlie was killed and there isn't anything he would ever be able to do move on from that, but this was about his brother. He didn't want her to die, and he wished that he could change it, but he had to save his brother. The book was his only chance.

He meant what he said to Charlie. He can't do this without his brother. He doesn't want to do this without his brother.

Sam looked up and watched with so much sadness and hopelessness as his brother drove off leaving him alone. He felt a single tear fall down his cheek as he watched the man he would do anything for drive off. He didn't know which was worse: the loneliness without his brother, or the loss of Dean. It depressed him that he even had to make a choice once again.

* * *

Sam didn't know how long he stayed there in the same spot waiting. For what? He couldn't say. He felt a drop on his face and looked up as the sky began to cry. He fought back the tears that so desperately wanted to be free, but he couldn't do that. It would be selfish to shed any more tears. He didn't deserve that release.

He knew that Dean was not going to come back, and there wouldn't be a random driver coming down the road anytime soon, so he walked.

He picked up his bag that Dean was so kind enough to throw out of the trunk before he left, and began his way down the dark road.

* * *

Why? That was question that would never have an answer. Why did it have to be them? Why did it have to be Mary that the demon came to? Why couldn't it have been the next door neighbor? Why couldn't anything go right with them? Why did Sam have to be chosen to lead an army? Why did Dean have to go to Hell? Why did their mother die? Why did their father have to die? Why did Dean get turned into a vampire? Why did Sam have to go to Hell? Why did Dean go to Purgatory? Why did the angels fall? Why did Dean get the Mark? Why did he become a demon? Why did Charlie have to die? Why was he alone?

Sam stopped. He was wrong. 'Why' did have an answer. The answer was... him. It was because of him that 'why' has an answer. The moment that he was born set this whole mess on the path it was currently on. He set this whole mess into motion. Sam was the answer to the big question. If he hadn't been born, 'why' would have no answer. In fact... if he hadn't been born there would be no question.

He looked up and smiled sadly. Of all places for him to have chosen to end up, he never thought he would end up here again. He thought he was done with this. He looked in all four directions and chuckled humorlessly.

A crossroads.

* * *

He didn't know which was more sad: the fact that he ended up at a crossroads during his depressing realization, or the fact that he ended up at a crossroads during his depressing realization with everything he would need for a deal.

He didn't know why he kept everything he would need in his bag. Maybe he would need it in case he needed help with finding a cure or if he needed something only a demon deal would get him. Or maybe it was for this moment. Maybe it was always meant to come to this. Maybe he was always meant to come here and make this deal.

* * *

He waited for the demon to come, but after some time with no demon he fell to his knees. This was his only chance to make things right. He dropped his head shutting his eyes tight and cried.

Sam cried for his mother having to die because of him. He cried because Dean lost his childhood at the age of four. He cried because his father and brother had to become hunters. Sam cried because he was chosen to lead some damn army. He cried because Dean went to Hell. He cried because Lucifer was released. He cried because he chose a demon bitch over his brother. Sam cried because he let Dean turn into a vampire. He cried because the angels fell. He cried because Dean has the Mark. He cried because Dean became a demon. He cried because Charlie was dead. He cried because he was alone...

"Never thought I would see a Winchester having a pity party,'' a woman's voice in front of him said coldly.

Sam didn't bother with a response. He didn't even bother looking up.

The demon sighed in frustration. "Look, I don't have all day. I got other deals to make. What do you want?" She crossed her arms looking down at him.

"I want to make a deal,'' Sam said slowly getting to his feet. He was so tired and just wanted to get this over with.

She rolled her eyes. "Well, no shit. What do you want?" she asked again.

"I want a do over,'' he mumbled.

She heard him but didn't understand.

"I want a do over to the very beginning, but just... not with me in it." It hurt so much more saying it out loud.

She looked at him with curiosity. She never had a deal like this before. It's not like she couldn't do it, but it was indeed an odd request.

"Why?" She ignored the slight flinch at the question.

"It doesn't matter. You give me the do over, I'll give you whatever you want. I'll go to Hell right now. I'll give you my alliance. I'll kill someone. I'll do whatever you want."

Although she was a demon and didn't really care about humans, she could hear the defeat in his voice.

She shook her head, "Sorry, sweetheart, you're going to have to do better than that."

"What do you want then?" He'd give her the world if it was what she wanted. He needed this deal. It was all he could do to fix everything.

"You want everything to go back to the beginning without you ever being born, right?" He nodded. "Then, I want you to watch."

"I don't understand."

"What better punishment is there, then for you to watch how perfect everything would be without you?"

Ouch. That hurt deep. She was right. There wouldn't be any greater punishment than for him to watch how his family and friend's lives would be without him. Could he do it? He already came this for.

"Fine."

She walked up to him grinning victoriously. "Shall we seal the deal?"

He leaned down for a kiss, but then he stopped mid way.

"Second thoughts?"

He shook his head. "I want to say goodbye to a couple of people first, then you take me."

"Deal."

With nothing more to say, they sealed the deal.

* * *

As soon as Sam walked in, Castiel met him at the entrance. Having to tell Castiel that he killed Charlie was more difficult than he thought.

"Where's Charlie?" asked Castiel looking behind him. Seeing Sam's eyes look down with grief, he swore. "I should've went with her, or stopped her."

"It's not your fault, Cas.'' Sam walked passed him straight to Rowena. He grabbed the Book of the Damned and the Codex from her and handed them to Castiel ignoring her yelp.

"You don't want to help your brother?"

Sam ignored her, and undid her chains. He dropped them to the floor, "Leave."

She stayed where she was feeling extremely confused. She turned to Castiel thinking he would know.

"Sam, what are you doing?" asked Castiel confused as to what Sam was doing. "We need her."

Sam ignored him. "Go!" He yelled.

She flicked her hair, and walked off to the door. "Whatever. Good luck with whatever time you have left with your brother. I'm sure he'll be a demon in no time."

It was time for his first goodbye. Castiel studied him. He could sense something was wrong with Sam. He looked even more distressed.

"Sam? What is it?"

"Thank you, Cas," he said with sincerity. ''You'll never know how much you mean to me and Dean. These passed six years, you've become as much of a brother to me as Dean is."

"Thank you, Sam, but what's wrong?"

"I... uh... made a deal." He was praying he wouldn't have to say it. It would be so much better to not have to do this, but it would be a relief to have someone know.

"What?! What sort of deal?"

"The deal was for time to return to the very beginning."

Castiel tilt his head. "What would that accomplish? Everything would only repeat themselves if that were to happen."

Sam shook his head. "Not if I'm not in it."

Castiel pondered over that for a moment. Sam looked away while he did so, not wanting to see his reaction when he figured it out.

"Please tell me that's not what I think it means?" Sam's silence was the only answer he needed to confirm his fears. "What about you?" Sam looked at him furrowing his brows. "What's your end?"

"I have to watch it all play out."

How terrible it was for Castiel to hear great sadness in his voice. "Why would you do that, Sam? Don't you know what this means?"

Sam couldn't take it anymore. His legs were giving out, his body was trembling, and he was fighting his need to cry. He was failing. He fell to his knees, and dropped his head shutting his eyes.

"I know what it means! It means my mom and dad would be alive and grow old to see Dean become a man. It means that Dean would go to college and make an honest living. It means Dean could get married and have a family. It means everyone that died for us or this whole mess would be alive. It means that Dean would never become a demon or gone to Hell. It means that you would never have fallen. It means that you never would've lost your Grace. It means you would never have killed your brothers and sisters. It means that Jimmy and Amelia would be alive and happy with Claire." His voice became barely a whisper, "It means Dean would be happy."

Castiel stood there and listened to a damaged man. How could a broken man break more? How could one man that has nothing in his life lose everything? How could one man that has died and gone to Heaven live in Hell?

Castiel bent down and held Sam against his chest. He had no problem when Sam clung to him.

"I'm sorry it had come to this." He whispered to Sam. "I don't know what would happen when I return to Heaven. I don't know if what you did would cause me to forget you, but I want you to know you've become one of the two most important people in my life. I never once regretted coming into your life. You and Dean have shown me great things about friendship and family. I may not remember you, but I'll never forget you."

He pulled Sam away from him to look him in the eyes. Tears were still falling down his face. Castiel wiped them away. "You are the most dumb and wonderful person I've ever met." With nothing more, Castiel kissed Sam on his forehead and pulled him back in.

It was the greatest punishment anyone could ever suffer. What was worse than a man that gave everything up for his soul mate was made to watch said soul mate live a 'happy' life with friends and family because they were not it? Nothing. Especially when that very same man was the only one that knew the truth and had to live with it... alone.

* * *

Dean felt someone familiar sit next to him. He stiffened when he knew who it was. He growled at the fact that Cas didn't inform Sam on his warning, but then again knowing his brother Sam probably does know.

"I thought I said I didn't want to see either of you again,'' sneered Dean. He wanted nothing more than his brother to get up and never come near him again. Before this Mark, he would never wish for his brother to leave him, but now he didn't care.

Sam chuckled humorlessly. "Yeah, but you know me. I tend not to do what you tell me.'' He signaled for a beer. He wanted this to be as smooth as possible. He checked his watch, and knew he didn't have long.

''Well you should've listened. I don't want to see you. If you know what's good for you, you'll get the hell outta here."

Sam didn't say anything for a moment just stared at his beer. "I'm sorry Dean. I-"

Dean slammed his shot glass on the bar cutting his brother off. "I don't care. You killed her, and there isn't anything you could do to change that. So you can shove your sorry right up your ass."

Sam bit back his tears and took a deep breath. "I know, but that wasn't what I'm apologizing for." Before Dean could speak, Sam continued. "Please. Hear me out, and I promise you'll never see me again."

Dean turned back to his drink not responding to his brother. He waited for his brother to speak. Even though he didn't want to hear anything Sam had to say, he figured the sooner he said what he needed to, the sooner he'd leave.

"You're right. There's nothing I can do about Charlie, and I'm sorry she's dead. I dragged her into this, and I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life."

Dean's hands were shaking with anger by this point. Hearing him talk about her was pissing him off.

Sam looked down at his beer and continued, "You know, we've been fighting evil together for ten years. We've gone through so much pain and loss. We've lost everyone we called friend or family, yet I don't regret ever getting in that car with you that night."

Dean didn't know what the hell his brother was talking about. Why the hell was Sam bringing up ancient history? He didn't say anything in response, just listened.

"I don't think I've ever said this, but I'm glad you got to know our mother. From what I've seen, she was wonderful and very beautiful. I'm sorry you only had four years with her. If I could do anything to change that, I would.

"I don't know if you know this, but you were always more than just my brother." He smiled. "You were my father, my mother, my best friend, my soul mate."

Sam took a deep breath. Now here comes the hard part.

"Sometimes I wonder what life would've been like if you never became a hunter. Or if mom and dad were alive. What kind of man would you be if hunting was never a part of your life? But that would only happen if I was never born.''

It was one thing saying it aloud to yourself. It was one thing saying it aloud to a demon to make a deal. It was an entirely new field saying it aloud to the one person who would benefit the most.

Dean frowned as soon as his brother mentioned never being born. He knew that would be true, but it didn't mean it was something they wanted. Where was his brother going with this? Why was Sam saying this now? Something in the back of his mind was clawing its way to the surface trying to tell him something, but he didn't know what it was.

He looked at Sam trying to figure out what was going on, but Sam was far away. Far away from the bar, away from himself... away from Dean. He desperately wanted to see his eyes. Sam's eyes had a strange way of giving himself away, but he wouldn't meet his gaze.

"Maybe what we've been through was always meant to lead to this. Maybe this was always my destiny..."

Before Dean could respond, a woman in a sexy black dress walked up to his brother smiling seductively. He was about to wave her off and tell her they're busy, but Sam leaned down to hear what she had to say. Her gaze never left his the whole time. He nodded his head and rose to his feet.

Sam, for the first time since he arrived, finally met his gaze. Dean could see grief, sadness, happiness, and...relief? The woman hung on his arm clearly wanting to leave. A red flag was going up in his head. Sam would never leave with a woman like this, or any woman from a bar. Something was wrong.

"Sam?" It was all he could say.

Sam knew what he wanted to ask. _Sam, what's going on? Sam, who is she? Sam, what's wrong?_ For the sake of his already broken heart, he didn't answer any of those questions. Instead he clapped Dean on the shoulder, and gave him a warm smile.

"Thank you, Dean, for everything you've ever done for me." Dean could see tears glistening in his eyes. "I'll never forget how much you mean to me."

With nothing else to say, he walked out of the bar with the skimpy dressed woman.

If it was any other night, Dean would've stayed sitting at the bar and wouldn't have cared if his brother walked out. But after hearing all that, he knew what it was that was clawing its way out. It was something he hadn't really given much thought to in a long time. Something he ignored. It was his big brother instincts.

His instincts told him that something was wrong with Sam. Instincts that told him that his brother did something stupid. Told him that Sam needed him. Sam was going away. Not thinking about anything else, Dean stood up and followed after his brother and the woman.

 _"I'll never forget...''_ Why did that sound like a goodbye?

* * *

As Dean walked out of the bar, he could see Sam and the woman already a ways away. He could tell by Sam's body language that he was scared. From what? What was Sam doing?

"Sam?" He called out slowly picking up his pace.

Sam and his companion turned to look at him. He smiled sadly. "Be happy this time Dean... for both of us."

A white light appeared behind her and Sam. Seeing that, Dean started to panic. What was that light?

"Sam!" His walking turned to jogging. Is Sam not seeing the light?

Sam turned to look at the light. It was beautiful, but it felt cold and lonely. He was supposed to go in there. Alone for years... watching. Was it worth it? If it meant his brother would be happy, it was.

He began to walk into the light with the demon next to him. He guessed she was going to escort him in. How nice.

Jogging turned to full out running. That red flag was no longer just there, it was waving frantically.

"Sam, don't!" Where was his brother going? What was happening?

This time when Sam looked at him and smiled, it was no longer sad. It was expressing genuine happiness. Happiness that Sam hasn't displayed in a long time.

"I'll be waiting for you big brother," he waved and chuckled, "but make sure it won't be for a long time."

He turned his back a final time with her, and walked further in no longer bothered by the cold loneliness. If his brother could be happy... if his parents would be alive... if Dean got to grow up with them... he'll welcome the cold loneliness with open arms.

"NO!" Dean screamed.

Dean was running after him like his life depended on it, and he knew in many ways, it did. Sam was his life. Sam was his son, his best friend, his brother, his soul mate and he was watching him walk away into wherever that light led to.

The light was fading along with both the mystery woman and Sam. Just as he was about to touch the light, it was gone. The light was gone. The woman was gone. Sam was gone. Dean drop to his knees in disbelief. He cried out for his brother to come back. He ignored the people that were looking at him like he was crazy. He hadn't realized it until now, but he was crying. The tears wouldn't stop falling.

The last thing he remembered was Castiel holding him with tears in his eyes as well...


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as the light behind them faded, the demon looked at him carefully. He felt exposed now that they were alone, and under her uncomfortable stare. She looked at him for a few moments, before she broke her gaze.

"Alright, this place has only ever been used a few times since it's been created." She looked around. "Not many tend to want to rewind the past or never wanting to exist." She shrugged obviously bored.

Sam didn't listen as the demon explained when it was used. He could care less what happened. Besides none of it mattered. It wouldn't do him any good anyway. He looked around and saw nothing. There wasn't anything around. No light, no cold, nothing. It was just black everywhere. He was surprised that he could see the demon or himself. Other than her speaking, there was no other noise, and this was where he was going to spend his life?

"Since you're not listening, I'll explain how it'll work around here. Usually when someone comes here, they watch what they need to until they fade away into nothing. No heaven, no hell." Her voice was all business.

He didn't know how he was supposed to feel about that. He was okay with not going to Hell he figured anyone would, but if he had to choose between nothing and Heaven, well the choice was obvious.

"But," his head shot up, "since those few cases the person didn't have a soul mate, they faded. Because you do, when Dean dies and goes to Heaven, you will too. You will not grow old since time doesn't exist here. You will not need nor want food or water. You will not need sleep. The deal was for you to watch, and so that's all you'll do."

She walked passed him, and waved her hand displaying several monitors.

"You will stay here and watch as everyone's lives go about without you in it. As soon as Dean dies, you will go to yours and Dean's Heaven." Having nothing more to say, a light appeared and she made her way toward it.

"Hey!" She turned back. He chuckled humorlessly, "Can I at least get a chair?"

She rolled her eyes and waved her hand. A chair appeared and she was gone. When Sam sat down, the monitors turned on. Ten monitors to be exact. Each one were labeled with a name.

_John Winchester_

_Mary Winchester_

_Ellen Harvelle_

_Jo Harvelle_ Which was not turned on. He figured that meant that she wasn't born yet.

_Robert Singer_

_Jessica Moore_

_Jimmy Novak_

_Claire Novak_ Which wasn't on either.

_Amelia Novak_

He stopped when he landed on the one monitor he was most interested in.

_Dean Winchester_

* * *

Sam watched a beautiful moment. He was very happy that he was able to witness this. He never thought about seeing this, because at the time it really didn't matter. Now seeing it for himself, he was glad to be here.

Watching Dean being born was the most beautiful thing in the world. He had always looked up to his brother, even now. Dean was his hero. He was more of a dad than John was. John was a father, but what Sam really needed was a dad, and that's what Dean was. He saw as the baby cried, and being held by their mother. She was beautiful, and he was very glad that Dean would be able to grow up with her.

It was funny how one small innocent baby would grow up to be the best hunter in the world. It was also sad that that same baby would grow up to die for his brother, go to Hell, and in time become a Knight of Hell.

No! That won't happen. There will be no brother to die for. There will be no son for his mother to die for. There will be no demon to hunt. No hunter will ever know the name John Winchester. There will be no reason Dean would become a hunter. So there would be no reason for that to ever happen.

Over the years, Sam watched as Dean grew older. He also saw how wonderful his family's lives were without him, which made him all the more depressed. He also found out that he was still conceived, but his mother had a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking to watch his mother cry for the loss of her child, but he was okay with it. She would still be alive, and that was the most important thing.

Sam also got the chance to see the lives of Ellen with her husband. He was still a hunter, but at least he wouldn't die since John wouldn't become a hunter. They were happy. Jessica was a beautiful little girl. He was okay with never meeting her again. She would live without ever meeting a student named Sam Winchester. Jimmy and Amelia were happy, and sometime in the future they would be able to raise their daughter into adulthood. They will know nothing about hunters, angels, or demons.

* * *

It was strange how Sam has spent eight years in that very same chair, and not once did his back hurt or his ass. He never got restless. He never got hungry or thirsty. He never had to use the restroom. It was like time had frozen for him, and the only way he knew how long it's been was by how old Dean was.

In these passed eight years, he noticed something different about Dean. When they were younger, Dean was confident even at a young age. He was sure of himself. He was always outgoing. He remembered there were times when Dean kept to himself, but that was when he was a little older to understand how with their lives they couldn't afford attachments.

Now, Dean seemed quiet even with their parents. He only spoke when he was spoken to. His room was always clean. He wasn't as close to their dad or mom like Sam expected. He stayed in his room only coming out to use the restroom, shower, eat, and go to school. He did his homework in his room, and would always read. What was wrong with Dean?

* * *

Dean sat in his room reading his book. He was turning ten tomorrow, but he wasn't happy about it. He saw it as any other day. He didn't want to make a big deal about his birthday, because that's just what it was; no big deal.

From a young age, Dean always felt like a big part of himself was missing. He didn't know what it was, but he knew he wasn't whole. It's strange for a nine year old to think this deeply, but he always felt like this. What was it that was missing? And if something _was_ missing, can he find it? But how can he find that missing part, if he didn't know what was missing?

Mary walked by her son's room smiling when she saw him reading a book. He always had his nose planted in some book. He was such a sweet boy. She was very happy that she gave up hunting when she did. What kind of parent would she be if she raised Dean into it? She would never want him to have to grow up like she did.

Being raised as a hunter didn't stop her from wanting a family of her own. It didn't stop her from wanting to be away from monsters, demons and ghosts. She gave up everything that associated with hunting. She never left salt by the doors and windows. She didn't have Devil's Traps anywhere on the property. She had no books on the supernatural. She threw away her charm bracelet. She had nothing that had anything to do with who she was, and she has never been happier.

She never told John about her life, and if she had anything to say about it, she never would. John and Dean would never know about her old life, or the fact that the supernatural was real. She couldn't ever imagine how she would feel if Dean became a hunter. Hunting opened the door to pain and loss, and as a mother she would never want Dean to know what that felt like.

As she stood in the doorway, she frowned at how quiet and closed off her son was. She was never like this at his age, and neither was John. She wished she knew what was going on in his head, but she brushed it off. She believed he would grow out of it.

* * *

Dean stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. It may not be visible to the naked eye, but he could feel it. He could never touch it, but it was there. That place where that missing piece should be... right in his center.

"Dean!" His mother called from downstairs.

He sighed. Today was his birthday. He was ten years old, but felt so much older. He knew how important birthdays were to his family, so he would just have to suck it up today for his parents' sake.

Walking into the kitchen, he sat down at the table for his birthday breakfast. Pancakes, sausage, and eggs with orange juice.

"Happy birthday baby," his mother said kissing him on his head.

"Thank you Mother."

She frowned. Not once since Dean started talking did he ever call her mom, neither John with 'dad.' It was always 'Mother and Father.' Did they do something wrong?

"Are you going to invite your friends over today?" She asked putting a plate out for John.

Dean shook his head finishing up his breakfast. When he did, he kissed his mother on her cheek, and went to get dressed for school.

* * *

School was always boring, but then again so was home. There was nothing to look forward to when he came here, and nothing to look forward to when he went home. It was always the same thing everyday. Breakfast, shower, school, homework, dinner, sleep. Just to wake up to do it again the next day. At ten years old, he felt like he was thirty five.

"Hi, Dean,'' a young girl said who he knew had a crush on him. She was pretty, but he wasn't one to actually like the girl back. If anything, she was very irritating.

"Hi, Lisa." He didn't look up from reading his book.

"Do you want to come play with us?" He shook his head. She sighed. "Why not? You're always reading a book. You never want to play with any of us at recess every time we ask you." She crossed her arms pouting.

He sighed in frustration. "Then why do you keep asking?" He got up from the table, and went back inside the classroom. He hated it when others would interrupt him while he was reading.

The rest of the school day, he didn't say anything to anyone. He did his work, and ignored the rest of the kids. He never raised his hand even when he knew the answer. He did answer the teacher when he was called on. He wasn't going to pretend not to know the answer when he did, but he wasn't going to go out of his way to answer the teacher.

After school, he walked up to his father's truck and climbed in. His father would always pick him up right after school never once late. He never spoke to his father unless he was spoken to first. He didn't show off his perfect scored tests or quizzes to either of his parents. He was proud of his hard work, so he didn't need it from his parents. He just sat there listening to his father's horrible rock music. The truck was just as old as the music.

* * *

Once John opened the door, Dean went straight to his room closing the door. Every time before he walked in, he would always stare at the room across from his parents. He never went in there, and he didn't want to. He didn't know why, but he could never find it in himself to go in there. The room was like a storage for his parents, so he didn't know why he couldn't go inside.

He shrugged off the same odd feeling he would get each time he looked. He closed his door, and went to do his homework wanting to get it over with.

Dean sat at the table with a delicious looking cake in front of him. His parents sang Happy Birthday, and when he went to blow out the candles, he would wish for the same wish he wished for every year for as long as he could remember.

"Go on Dean. Make a wish,'' Mother said happily. His father had a camera out ready for a picture.

Dean closed his eyes, and took a deep breath and made his wish.

_I wish I had a brother..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So again, there's a reason Dean isn't like the Dean we all know. There won't be as much dialogue until Dean is a little older. Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it. Until next time. -Kauri510


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very bad John

Years went by as Dean continued to feel the way he did. Not once did the loss that he felt ever go away. He tried to fill it by trying to make friends. He figured that being alone and not having any friends made him feel the way he did, but it didn't help.

It also didn't help with the fact that no matter how hard he tried, no one wanted to be his friend. He figured that growing up with the same people and ignoring them didn't help when he really did want to be their friend.

Day after day, Dean came home from school without making any friends. He did the same things he did everyday. Breakfast, get ready for school, school, failing to make friends, homework, dinner, sleep. His parents even gave up trying to get him to open up. He didn't know how he felt about that. He didn't know if he should be glad his parents aren't bugging him, or depressed that they gave up at all.

* * *

Dean sat on his bed staring at the paper in his hands. Well, it's not like he didn't see this coming. With his grades, he would be surprised if he didn't get this. What he was surprised at was the fact that he got a full scholarship. He knew he had good grades, but he didn't think they were that good.

He sighed. Anyone else in his position would be thrilled. They would be excited and telling their family and friends the good news. But he wasn't. He didn't want to tell anyone. His mother and father would obviously be happy for him that he got into a good school, but not in the way other parents would. Was this what he really wanted?

Shaking his head, he got up. This wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to know what was missing from his life. It was obviously important if he had felt like this since he was a kid. He would rather be finding his missing piece than sitting in some classroom.

Tossing his acceptance letter in the trash, he decided to get ready for his last day of high school. His graduation was today, and he was happy about it. Now he could move on to more important things.

Dean sat quietly in the back seat while his mother and father drove him to the school. Today was the end of one boring life, and the beginning of a new one. Since it was his life, there was no way he was going to let it become the same as the first eighteen years of his life.

Pulling up in front of the school, Dean quietly got out dressed in his cap and gown.

"We'll be with the other families, Dean,'' his mother said from the passenger seat. "We'll see you later.''

"Okay, Mother."

Dean shut the door and walked to the gym with all the other graduates. He watched as his classmates made small talk with their friends or taking pictures. He rolled his eyes. He was so ready for this to be over.

It came time for the graduates to walk the stage and receive their diplomas. _About fucking time._ It sucked that he had to sit there and listen to awful speeches, and it sucked even more that his last name began with a W.

"Braeden, Lisa."

...

"Lawrence, Jake."

...

"Peters, Mark."

...

"Tardy, Jessica."

...

"Williams, Luther."

"Winchester, Dean."

As Dean was walking across the stage, he heard only mild clapping. He too heard his mother and father whistling and screaming for him. He would be lying if he wasn't sad about the fact that it was only his parents that were there for him... barely.

"Congratulations to the class of 1997!" The principal yelled, and with that the entire graduating class threw their cap into the air yelling with joy.

Dean didn't find the significance of that. _How the hell are they going to know which cap is theirs?_

Once the graduation was over, everyone dispersed and found their respective friends and families. Without having to talk to anyone, Dean left with his diploma that he didn't find important one bit. He found his mother and father out in the open talking to a woman and her husband.

His parents saw him and immediately smiled brightly. That feeling was more noticeable. Something was missing. It should be here with him, but sadly he still couldn't figure out what was missing.

"Congratulations sweetheart," his mother said kissing him on the cheek.

His father clapped him on shoulder _looking_ proud. "Yeah, good job son."

"Thank you. Can we go?" He looked around at the rest of his class taking pictures, and all he wanted to do was go home. Now that there wasn't anything that was taking up most of his day, he could get some real work done.

"But we need to take pictures!" His mother said taking out her camera. Dean rolled his eyes. "John stand next to him. He looks so handsome in his gown."

After taking so many pictures, they were making their way back to the car. It was only then he heard something that stopped him in his tracks.

"Did you get the new book? How could Sam do that to Dean?" asked a blonde graduate to her friend.

* * *

Dean stopped not paying attention to his parents walking away from him. He was always fond of the name 'Sam' since the first time he heard it. It felt comfortable.

The blonde stopped walking obviously getting upset. "I know, right? I mean, couldn't he see that Ruby was only using him?"

Dean didn't want them to stop talking by him being caught listening in on them. So when they picked up walking going who knows where, Dean followed. It wasn't that hard to overhear, because they weren't trying to talk low at all. They were too heated in their conversation to know they were practically screaming.

"Seriously! Ever since Dean came back from Hell, it's like he was blind to the fact that demons only care about themselves."

"Dean told him not to listen to her and look where that got them! Sam is so lucky he's not real, or I would be so yelling at him."

The girl chuckled. "I know, right? But I'm seriously glad that bitch is dead."

"Yeah, but it sucks that the apocalypse had to start for Sam to realize he'd been played."

The girls conversation took a hard left when they began talking about what they were going to do now that school was over. Dean walked up to the girls ignoring his parents' calls. Took them long enough to realize he wasn't with them.

"Excuse me?" he said making himself known.

The girls turned around and smiled at him. He knew how girls believed that he was good looking even though he didn't see how. He wasn't ugly but there was no way he was good looking.

"Oh, hi Dean. What's up?" asked a girl he didn't know. He never really took the time to learn people's names. He gave up a long time ago trying to make friends.

"What were you talking just about before?"

The girls looked at each other clearly confused. Dean wanted so bad to roll his eyes. _Fucking blondes._

"Oh, you mean about Sam and Dean?" Hearing the name 'Sam' always brought a smile to his face, so he couldn't fight it when it came. He nodded. "What about it?"

Dean shrugged his shoulders. "It sounded interesting. What is it?"

"Oh, it's a series called _Supernatural._ It's about two brothers traveling from state to state fighting monsters.'' The girls loved talking about the brothers; it was their favorite topic.

"How many books are there?" If it's a series, there had to be quite a few, right? He knew he was going to have to buy these books as soon as he could.

"There's a lot. It covers four years of them being together.''

Did that mean they were apart?

He heard his mother call. He ignored her.

He didn't know why he needed to read these books so bad. Maybe if he felt so desperate about these books, it might have something to do with what's missing from his life. So he asked the next thing he needed to know, and he didn't care how it sounded.

"Where can I get them?"

* * *

By the time he came home, he took off his gown and grabbed his keys and wallet. Without saying goodbye to his parents, he closed the front door and left.

It didn't take long for Dean to find a bookstore. After all, Dean's been going there for years. As sad as it was, his books were his friends, so like any good friend he had to know where to pick them up.

Dean parked his car, a 1995 Honda Accord he got for his sixteenth birthday. He walked in and went straight to the owner that he had come to know.

A woman in her early thirties stocked a few books when she looked up at him and smiled.

"Hi, Dean. Already finished with your other book?"

"Hi, Mrs. Carter. No, I haven't finished it yet." Before she could say anything else, "Do you have a book series called _Supernatural_?"

Mrs. Carter had to stop what she was doing, and thought about it for a moment. Dean was normally a patient person, but he was desperately trying to get these books. He was about ready to snap, which was saying something, because he never did it to anyone let alone Mrs. Carter.

"Actually, I think I do."

She left her books she was working on, and went to a far off book shelf. She went through the books very quickly. She stopped when she got close to the bottom. She picked a paperback out, and handed it to him.

"This is the first one. I haven't received the rest of the series yet, so I only have this one. You might want to read this one before you decide to buy the whole series."

Dean had never bought a book so fast in his life; he really needed to go home and read it. It was already getting late by the time he got home.

His father was in the living room watching TV with a beer in his hand. Dean groaned. He hated this time of the week. Once a week, his mother had the overnight shift at the hospital. It allowed his father to drink, and sadly he wasn't a happy drunk.

He closed the door quietly, and snuck up to his room not wanting to deal with his drunk father.

Dean stayed up very late reading the first book. He tried very hard to put it down and go to sleep, but he couldn't. He kept telling himself _one more chapter, one more chapter._ One more chapter turned into half the book.

He understood why Sam left Dean and John, but he couldn't help but believing that Sam would be safer with his family. Anything could happen to Sam, and it would be wise for them to stick together. Then where the hell was John? How could he not call his sons?

* * *

Sometime during the night, his door swung open. He hated this time of the week. His father would come in and do the same thing, so he knew what to expect. Which was sad on so many levels. He threw the blankets off him, and saw his father taking a swig of whiskey. His father's favorite drink.

"So, no more school." Another swig.

Dean trembled with fear the closer John got to him. No matter how many times this happened, he would never get used to it.

To the public, people saw John Winchester as a loving father, devoted husband and good man. They see a loving father who shows up to his son's graduation taking pictures. Proud of his son's success. He loves his wife more than anything. They're just as in love as the day they met. He volunteers as a fireman and donates to charities.

Behind closed doors, he's a terrible man and shitty father. He's an abusive asshole who needs to be locked away forever.

Dean slowly got out of bed in fear that his father would attack him which wouldn't surprise him. "Please, don't do this."

John ignored him and threw the near empty bottle on the floor shattering it. Something was different about this time. Usually John would slap him around and beat on him until he left. Not this time.

"It's time I make you into a man, son."

John was obviously drunk out of his mind, as he began unzipping his pants. Dean's eyes widened. His father may have been an abusive drunk bastard, but Dean didn't think he was capable of this. He had suspicions his parents were drifting apart, but not to this extent.

"Please, don't."

Dean didn't remember what happened after that. He kept going in and out. He remembered being hit so hard he saw stars. Remembered crying out for his father to stop. He remembered a burning pain in his ass. He remembered big fingers stretching him. He remembered feeling like he was splitting in half. He remembered the smell of blood, semen, and whiskey.

* * *

Dean woke up on the floor. He tried to pull himself up, but he felt so weak; both emotionally and physically. _Why am I on the ground?_ He turned on his back, and was confused as to why he was naked from the waist down. He went to sit up and as soon as he did he felt pain. He cried out. He went to touch his hole and winced at the contact. Looking at his skaking hand, he saw blood. That's when it came back to him.

He remembered. His father raped him. He's been raped by a man he was supposed to trust. Not bothering to wipe away the tears that fell, he rose to his feet with the help of the bed. He let go of the bed, and his legs felt like giving out. It took all of his will power (or what was left of it) to get in the shower.

He scrubbed and scrubbed until his skin was red. He washed out his hole, and bit his lip so hard he drew blood. It burned so bad. He was afraid something was torn, but he was too afraid to go to a hospital. Too many questions.

Coming out of the shower, he glanced out the window to see his father's truck gone. He sighed in relief. He went to his bed and winced when he sat down. He grabbed his book and laid on his stomach.

What the hell was he supposed to do? He couldn't go to the police, since John had friends there. He couldn't tell his mother, because he had a feeling she wouldn't care. He had no where else to go, even though he wanted to leave. Was this it for him? Was he supposed to stay here and risk getting raped again?

He shook his head wanting last night to go away. He had to get his mind on something else. He read his book, and wished his mother and father to be like the ones in the book. He didn't think there was anything weird about the names from the book. Mary, John, and Dean were common names. Why couldn't his parents be like this Dean's mom and dad?

Finishing the book, Dean knew he had to get the rest. There was no doubt about it. The missing piece from his life had something to do with this. He could feel it. He put the book on his nightstand. Dean grabbed his keys and jacket and walked out the door.

Pulling up in front of another book store across town from the one he went to yesterday, he looked around. He couldn't help but feel like John was nearby. Like out of nowhere John was going to jump out and rape him again in front of everyone.

Walking up to the store, he didn't see a man come near him talking to his companion. He bumped into him, and flinched at the dirty look he received.

"Watch where you're going asshole!"

Dean had to take a moment to get his breathing under control. He closed his eyes fighting back the tears. _I'm okay, I'm okay. Nothing's going to happen._ He said until his breathing evened out.

Finally feeling better, Dean walked in and was so happy when he was escorted to the _Supernatural_ books. He would've been angry if they didn't have them all. So he counted himself lucky that they did. Not caring that the books came out to an expensive price, he paid for it and made his way out.

* * *

Dean grabbed the bags with the books, and quickly walked back to his car. In his quick getaway attempt, the paper bag carrying his books ripped and out fell every one. He groaned inwardly. Dean really needed to get home.

A man that saw his books fall out, walked up to him and bent down to help him. Dean tensed up but relaxed slightly knowing full well that the man isn't going to be stupid enough to try something in the middle of the day in a crowded street, so for the time being he felt okay.

Between the two, they managed to carry all the books. The man followed him and when Dean open the car door, he reached carefully for the books in the man's arms.

"Thank you for helping me,'' he gives a shaky smile wanting to leave right then and there, but didn't want to be rude.

The man gives him a warm smile. "Don't worry about it kid."

Dean watches the man walk away. For some unknown reason that Dean will not understand for a long time he calls out, "My name's Dean."

The man turns back to look at him. He takes off his old dirty cap, and scratches his head. "Name's Bobby. You take care of yourself." Having nothing more to say, the man walks down the street to a known occult store.

Driving back to his house, he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that his father's truck wasn't out in front. He didn't know how he felt seeing his mother's car though. He didn't know what he would've done if his father was home. Dean parked his car on the street, and got out. He didn't bother getting his books out since the bags ripped. He needed to go fetch some of his backpacks to put his books in.

Walking in the house, he saw two very bad things: his mother dressed in her scrubs, and his father talking to her. Why the hell was his father here? Wasn't he supposed to be at work? He looked at his watch? Shit! He totally forgot that today John only worked for a few hours. Dammit!

"There you are. Where have you been?" asked his mother getting her jacket on.

It took a moment for Dean to find his voice, because he couldn't ignore the look his father was giving him. He really wanted to go back out to his car and never come back. How could he ever think that he could stay here with the man that was his father, abuser, and rapist? He shuddered just thinking about it.

"I... uh... was at the bookstore." He broke his gaze from John and looked at his mother.

His mother, like always, didn't seem that interested. "Okay. Well, I got the swing shift. So, I'll see you boys tonight." Without another word, Mary grabbed her purse and shut the door behind her.

Dean just stood there wishing his mother would come back in. Even though he wasn't close to her as much as he would like, he would still want her here so John couldn't do anything. He tensed up when he felt someone behind him. He didn't even hear him. Knowing full well who it was, Dean couldn't fight his body shaking.

"I had fun last night, son. Did you?" John placed his big hand on Dean's shoulder, and gave a hard squeeze.

It was right then and there that Dean realized that he needed to get away. There was no way that Dean would be able to stay here. He may have only been raped once, but he's spent over eight years being abused. He couldn't do it before, but now that he was eighteen and out of school he could leave and no one could stop him.

He stood there looking at the door, until he heard John walk into the living room. He still didn't move until he heard the TV on. When he heard it turn on, he walked calmly to his room. He may have looked calm but inside he screaming in fear and excitement.

As soon as he shut his door, he quickly grabbed some bags and began packing things he knew he couldn't leave behind. He grabbed his clothes, phone, a few books that he kept since he was a kid, and several other things. Even though he had his own room, he didn't have that much stuff to pack. His things only covered two duffel bags.

He went downstairs and saw his father on the recliner. From where he was at it looked like John was passed out. Good. He made sure he had his keys and went out the front door and practically ran to his car. Putting his bags in the trunk he went around to the driver's side. He glanced and saw his books still in the backseat.

Freezing in place he remembered he forgot something very important. He left the first book on his nightstand! He forgot to grab it. Dammit! He looked back at the place he once called home that housed an abusing rapist. Now the question is: is it worth going back inside to get?

He scoffed. He may not know what was missing from himself, but he had a strong feeling that the books had something to do with it. Anything that might be able to help him with finding his missing piece, he wasn't going to leave it behind.

It wasn't too long ago that he left so there was a good chance John was still out of it. Walking into the house he peeked in the living room and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw John still passed out on the recliner.

There was no way Dean was going to take his time worrying about him. He was just going to go get his book and then get the hell out of here. That's exactly what he did. Dean ran very quietly up the stairs and saw his book on the nightstand next to his bed. He grabbed it and as soon as he turned around, he froze in fear.

John.

* * *

John was just standing there watching him. Dean clutched his book tight like it would protect him from the man that was supposed to be his father. John looked around the room, and noticed that the room had obviously been packed up.

"Going somewhere?" John asked still looking around. By the sound of his voice he was completely sober which makes this all the more worse.

"I... uh... am going out for awhile?" Why did it have to come out like a question?

"Uh huh,'' he said like he didn't believe him. "Well, you can go bring your shit back, because you're not going anywhere."

"John, I'm not staying here." Despite his voice filled with courage, he was very scared.

John looked at him and smiled. He nodded. "Okay. Go ahead.''

"You have to move out of the way."

John continued to stay there blocking the door way. "If you really want to leave, my standing here shouldn't stop you." Dean didn't move. "If I didn't know any better," John stepped forward, "I think you liked what we did last night."

Dean shook his head. To hear John bring up what was done to him brought a few tears to his eyes.

"I think you did. Do you remember last night?" John slowly undid his pants. "I do. You liked it. You moaned as I fucked you. You wanted more when I was done."

"No," a few more tears slipped down his face. He wouldn't do that. There was no way he would like it.

Out of nowhere John grabbed him, and Dean tried to push him away. Dean cried out when John threw all of his weight on Dean knocking them both to the ground. Dean hit John over and over, but nothing worked.

"Help!" Dean screamed. He went to scream again, but John punched him hard enough to stop him. "Stop it! Please."

John ignored him and struggled to get Dean's pants off him. It took some effort, but unfortunately he got them off. John was already hard, so even with Dean's struggles, John had no trouble lining himself up with Dean's hole and pushed in hard.

Dean cried out. It burned more than last night. He figured that it might have something to do with the fact that he was already hurting from the previous night, and John didn't use any lubricant or spit.

There was no way Dean was just going lay on his back and let John rape him again. He had to do something, and he had to do it now. John leaned down on his stomach and began sucking and kissing on his neck. Dean felt so disgusted. What father could do this to his son?

The tears that fell from his eyes were no longer of fear and sadness. They were tears of anger. He would be stupid to just do nothing. He could wallow in sorrow later, but right now he had to do something. As he was looking around for something to help him, he let out a grunt which may have sounded like a moan.

He could feel John smirking against his neck. "I knew you liked it you little whore." Saying that John pounded into him even harder.

Dean knew damn well he didn't like it. He couldn't help it. His body didn't know the difference between rape and consent. The body liked what it liked, but it didn't mean that Dean did.

With John fucking him harder, he couldn't fight the moans that he made. He felt so much shame and betrayal that his body was liking it. He saw his father's head go back and Dean hated that John was actually enjoying himself. _Sick bastard._

What Dean saw under his bed made him want to cry out in happiness. A glass bottle. He didn't know how that got there, but right now he wasn't going to question it. Dean reached out for it, and clutching it tight, he gathered what little strength he had left, and swung it hard against John's head. The bottle shattered and felt John's bottle go limp.

Dean couldn't settle right now. Right now, he had to get John off him, and get the hell out of here. It took awhile with Dean feeling weak, but he managed to get John off him. He didn't want to stop and take a breather, so he pulled his pants back on and grabbed his book that made him come back in here and ran out of the front door.

He put the car in drive and the House of Hell in his rear view mirror.

* * *

Over the years after Dean's tenth birthday, Sam found out something that would make him regret his choice of making the deal. Without hunting his dad was more of an asshole. He thought John would actually be a happy man. Since he found out Mary was having an affair, he got angry.

When he got angry, he took it out on Dean. Every time Sam saw his dad... John hit Dean in anger Sam wanted to lash out. He wanted to hit something bad (since he couldn't hit John). He would scream at the monitors that showed what John was doing. He would calm down when it was long over.

Sam would be angry with his mother because she knew what John was doing, but she did nothing. She looked the other way and pretended nothing bad was happening. He never hated his parents more than when he heard Mary tell John that she doesn't care what he does, and John looked like he won the lottery.

Without hunting, Dean couldn't fight. He would just take it, and there wasn't anyone around that he could confide in. Sam was so pissed and angry. He didn't know who he was more angry with: John, Mary, or himself.

Then came the day, when what was left of the respect he had for John went out the window. The day John raped his brother.

"NO!" Sam jumped up from his chair knocking it over. "Get off him!" He watched as John forced Dean on his stomach and penetrated him. "Stop it you bastard!" Tears fell down his face. He watched as Dean cried out in pain. "Dean!"

It went on for what seemed like forever. He kept repeating 'I'm sorry' over and over. He did this. He did this to the man he loved more than anything in the world. The tears finally stopped long after it was over. He was starting to calm down. He didn't care that Dean came face to face with Bobby. He wasn't paying attention to the case that brought Bobby to Kansas.

He cried out in joy when Dean decided to leave. He was happy that Dean got his things and was ready to leave. He didn't understand why he wasn't leaving. It clicked when Dean looked at the _Supernatural_ books in the backseat.

"No, Dean. Forget about it." He rose to his feet standing close to the screen. "It's just a book. You can always buy another one. No, no, no, no, NO!" he yelled when Dean went back into the house. "Go back! Don't go in there."

As Dean was going to his room, his attention went to the monitor that showed John not far behind him.

"Leave him alone you bitch!" No matter how much he yelled at the screen John kept walking.

If last night was hard to watch, this was much more worse. John would have no excuse. No alcohol to blame. He was sober so he knew what he was doing. As much as he wanted to look away, he couldn't. He didn't deserve to. If Dean had to go through this, Sam had to as well. After all, it was his fault.

He smiled sadly through the tears when Dean knocked out John. "Go, Dean, go!" He fell to his knees when he watched Dean drive away.

He watched as Dean drove away wiping tears from his face trying to stop the tears. Sam didn't even try to fight his.

"I'm so sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... that was not what I planned to write when I decided to continue this. That was very hard to write. Don't worry Dean will get through this, and please don't hate Sam. Until next time. -Kauri510


	4. Chapter 4

Dean drove his car until he was on a deserted road. Turning off the car, he just sat there looking straight ahead. He felt numb. Out of nowhere, the tears that stopped once he drove away from the Hell House came pouring down.

John, his father, raped him... twice. How the hell was he going to get through this? What was he supposed to do now? He had no plan. He left the house because he couldn't stay there after what happened. He didn't want it to happen again, but it did. He was raped again, because he forgot a book.

He hit the steering wheel in anger. Why were these stupid books important? He was raped because he forgot a damn book! He hit the steering wheel over and over again. He was just fucked by the man he called father. Where was his mother? Why wasn't Mary there to protect him? Why didn't he have anyone? What did he do to deserve this?

Dean did feel stupid now for going back for it when he could've just got another one, but he couldn't. His missing piece was important, and he believed with all that he had that the books could help him. He prayed that it will, because he was just raped for it.

* * *

Setting his things on the table, Dean collapsed on the bed. He can't believed he was raped! He hated his father! How could John do that to him? He was supposed to be his hero. He was supposed to be able to go to him for anything without fearing of being raped or abused. He pressed the heel of his palms trying to stop his tears.

He didn't have too much money, so he had to find a real cheap filthy motel. It was sad that the guy in the office saw his beat up face and red eyes, and all he was told was not to cause trouble. Not even a stranger would help him.

Making sure the door was locked, Dean grabbed a change of clothes and went to take a shower. He could still feel John all over and touching him. Getting undressed, just as Dean was about to get in, he caught his reflection in the mirror. He looked at his neck and gasped.

A hickey.

No matter how much he scrubbed his body, he was going to be reminded of what happened until it faded away. He looked away from the mirror in shame and disgust.

Scrubbing his body raw did nothing to comfort him. He could feel John all over him. He scrubbed his neck, and remembered John kissing him and sucking on his neck. Why did John hate him so much? Why couldn't Mary see John for what he was? Wasn't there someone out there that loved him? Didn't someone care about him?

Dean cleaned out his hole and bit back the whimper that almost escaped. His hole was burning even though he was only cleaning it out. Cleaning himself out reminded him of why he was so damn ashamed. His body liked it. It liked what John was doing to him.

He felt so dirty and disgusted that it felt good. He couldn't fight back the moans because it felt good. Was he at fault here? Was he just as guilty as John was because it felt good? Was he no longer the victim? Was it even rape anymore? Was it ever?

He fell to his knees in the shower letting the water hit his body. He didn't think that he could cry anymore, but he did. He cried because he was raped by his father. He cried because Mary didn't notice what was going on. He cried because no one loved him. He cried because he didn't have anyone. He cried because it felt good. And _that..._ was what he hated most of all.

* * *

Dean had spent a few days in his room, ordering take out. Not since he showed up did he ever leave. He didn't feel safe being around other people right now. In the time he spent in the room, all he did was read his books. They were the only distraction he had from why he there in the first place.

The more he read the books the more he knew that the books would help him. He knew that he had to keep reading if he was ever going to find it. And nothing was going to stop him.

As Dean read _Dream a Little Dream of Me,_ he felt sad. He didn't want Dean to go to Hell. The book descibed how he felt about going to Hell, and reading that, Dean had to stop several times not wanting to cry. He felt a little silly crying over a character from a book, but he couldn't help it. It felt too real.

He understood why Dean was acting the way he was, but he didn't see why he had to do it in front of Sam. Sam and Dean were brothers as well as best friends. They obviously had a bond like no other, so why? Was he trying to protect Sam? Was he afraid of admitting he was scared? Was he trying to be brave for Sam? Was it all of the above?

The more he read the more he was getting pissed at the brothers. Why in the hell were they being all friendly with a demon? Did they not see being friends with a demon was going to bite them in the ass later on? It didn't matter that she was helping them, they should know that demons only care about themselves!

If they continue talking to her, it would only end badly.

When it came to the point that Dean faced his dopplegangar, Dean was practically on edge. He didn't like where this was going. He read the way Dean was feeling when he came face to face with Dream Dean.

_"'Watch out for Sammy. Look out for your little brother, boy!' You can still hear your Dad's voice in your head, can't you?" Dream Dean asked pointing the gun to his head._

_"Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you?!"_

_"Son of a bitch!" Dean pushes Dream Dean hard, knocking him into the wall above the desk._

_"My father was an obsessed bastard!" Dream Dean tries to get up and Dean kicks him down on the desk again. Dean holds the weapon as a bat and hits Dream Dean once and then pins him to the wall with it._

_"All that crap he dumped on me, about protecting Sam! That was his crap. He's the one who couldn't protect his family. He-"_

_Dean steps back and swings the weapon again, hitting Dream Dean twice._

_"He's the one who let Mom die." Dean pins Dream Dean again._

_"He wasn't there for Sam. I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me." He backs away from Dream Dean. "And I don't deserve to go to Hell!" Dean shot Dream Dean in the chest, blood everywhere._

_Dream Dean's eyes flicker open and they're completely black. "You can't escape me, Dean. You're gonna die. And this? This is what you're gonna become!"_

Dean didn't know what to say. He set the book down, just staring at it. This time he didn't even fight the few tears that fell down his face. How could one man go through all this, only to face what he would become if he were to go to Hell? How could one man be this strong? Why couldn't he be as strong as this Dean?

Dean was a strong man who would fight tooth and nail to protect his brother. He sold his soul to bring his brother back, only to face one more year with him. Dean chose to stand up for Sam when faced with John. Dean cared about people more than he did himself. He risked his life with each hunt to protect the innocent. It was obvious from the beginning that he couldn't live without Sam. Dean proved that when he made the deal.

Why couldn't he be like Dean?

Sam was a loyal brother. He went with Dean to find their dad when he had a safe life with Jessica. Sam cared more about Dean when they were all in the hospital, then he did about their dad. Dean was lucky to have a little brother and best friend like Sam. Sam was a gentle soul, and was fighting very hard to save his brother. Sam wants his brother to survive so bad he's letting a demon live.

Why couldn't he have a brother like Sam?

* * *

A few more days went by and Dean was almost finished with _No Rest for the Wicked_. A part of him didn't want to finish, but he knew he had to. He had to know. So despite the fact that a man he came to respect and wish to be was facing his last day, he prayed that Dean would make it. He couldn't go to Hell. What was Sam going to do without Dean?

_"No... no... Dean..." Sam cried and mourns for his brother. "Dean..." Sam cried over Dean's body, and wished that this was all a nightmare. Deep down he knew this was it..._

_Everything is green and cloudy. There are chains everywhere, stretched from place to place. There is thunder and lightning and Dean could be heard screaming. Dean is in the middle of the chains, hooked up by his arms and legs._

_"HELP! NO! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"_

_A hook is attached through his right shoulder, he's bloody and sweaty. There's blood in his mouth and he's completely terrified._

_"SAM!" Dean calls out to his brother. "SAAAAAAAM!"._

That was the last straw. Dean dropped the book, and cried. He didn't want Dean to go to Hell. He was hoping that Sam would've found a way to save him. He didn't understand how the hero could be killed. Knowing that Dean was in Hell crying out for his brother was heartbreaking. Dean was right. He didn't deserve to go to Hell. Hell isn't a place for heroes like Dean. So why?

* * *

Dean forgot at the moment that the story wasn't over. He had more books to read. Wiping his tears away, Dean grabbed the next book and read.

More days passed, and he finally finished the series. He didn't know how he felt about it. He didn't blame Sam for what he did. He wasn't angry that Sam set Lucifer free. He was only angry that Sam chose that demon bitch over his brother. Why couldn't Sam listen to Dean? The only good thing that came from this was Dean stabbing that bitch! If this was real, he would've loved to have done it himself.

Throwing the book against the wall, Dean pulled his legs in. How could it end like that? It can't end like that! How does the author expect people to react with an ending like that?

He hated that the books were getting to him this much. What he hated more was the fact that Dean had been crying a lot since leaving. How was he supposed to live? He thought back to the day before he left. He threw away his scholarship. Going to college was an option, and since it was a full scholarship it would help even more.

Dean shook his head. No. Going to school is not option, even though would be the smart thing. Getting accepted to Stanford was an amazing oportunity that any right minded person would take. It's a good thing Dean wasn't in his right mind. If he went to Stanford, there was no way he would find his missing piece.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. When it came time for bed, his sleep was filled with nightmares of John. He had been dreaming of what happened every night since he came here, and tonight was no different.

_"You know you want it." John said pinning him face down._

_"Please, get off me," begged Dean._

"Wake up, Dean."

_John ignored him. He angled his cock just right, and Dean cried out in both pleasure and shame._

_"That's it, son. Scream for me.''_

"Wake up.''

_"Stop,'' Dean said inbetween his tears. He needed him to stop. He didn't want this. Dean just wanted it to stop._

_"You want it son, just admit it," John said._

_He hit him hard over the head. Dean saw spots. He hated this so much. Why wouldn't John stop?_

"You have to wake up!''

_"Say you want it!" John ordered. Dean grunted with tears falling down. John grabbed him by his hair yanking it back. "I. Said. Say. It,'' John said sternly with another yank._

_Dean felt so much pain, and he just wanted it to stop. "I... want... it.'' He regretted it the minute those word left his mouth._

_"Louder!" John pounded into Dean harder._

_"I want it,'' Dean said a little louder. Moans filled the room alongside John's._

_"Again."_

_The more Dean said it the faster and harder John fucked him. Then John shot inside Dean's ass._

"WAKE UP!"

* * *

Dean woke with a start covered in sweat. There's no way he said that. It was only because John put it in his head. Regardless if Dean's body liked what was done, it doesn't mean he said it. He didn't want it. Dean ignored the fact that he had been saying that each time he woke up. He shook his head clutching his blanket. A few tears fell down hitting the blanket.

Dean laid back down wanting the images from the dream to go away. He tried going back to sleep, and eventually he did. Dean was grateful the dream had no John.

_Dean was standing in darkness. He saw nothing around him._

_"Hello?" He called out. Nothing. He stepped forward, when he heard a voice off in the distance behind him. He spun around and called out again. He stopped and listened._

"...an..." _The voice sounded familiar._

_"Who's there?"_

"...ean... I mis... ...ou..."

_Dean stepped the other way. He really needed to find out who that was. He didn't see anything or hear the voice._

_Dean froze in place, when he felt something behind him. He was too scared to turn around, but he heard it in his ear very clearly. The voice sounded sad when it whispered,_

"Dean."

* * *

Dean's eyes shot open not remembering anything after he went back to sleep. After the first dream, Dean was glad he didn't remember the second. He was scared it was filled with that night.

He sat up rubbing the sleep away. He saw that the book was still on the floor where it landed. He threw the blankets off, and picked it up. He frowned as he stared at the cover. He flipped it open, and as soon as his eyes landed on the page not many people read or cared about, he quickly packed up his things and ran out the door.

After he returned the key, Dean put his car in drive and sped off. He knew what he had to do. He had to find Carver Edlund.

He knew without a doubt that the books have something to do with his missing piece, so when his eyes landed on the publishing history, he knew where he had to go next. The editor that published the books had to know where he might be able to find Edlund. No matter what, he wasn't going to leave that building until he got the information he needed.

Nothing was going to stop him from finding his missing piece! And after this morning, Dean could feel that it was close; it was just out of reach.

* * *

Sam could only sit there and watch as Dean cried over what John did to him. Dean was his big brother, and there wasn't anything he could do for him. Over the days that Dean spent in the motel room, Sam called for the demon over and over, but he got no response.

He thought back to his deal, and went over the terms. He slouched in defeat. He wanted everything to go back to the beginning. Everything went back thirty six years; so if that's the case, then so did the demon.

Watching Dean sleep was hard. It was obvious he was having nightmares. He had a strong feeling of what they were.

 _"Get off me,"_ Dean mumbled. This was the first time he had ever done this. Sam could only remember one other time Dean talked in his sleep.

"Wake up, Dean." He knew there was no point, but he couldn't just ignore it. Dean whimpered in his sleep.

"Wake up." Sam got up from his chair standing in front of the screen.

Dean cried out in distress. It was breaking his heart. How much more could his heart break until there was nothing left?

"You have to wake up!"

Sam watched as Dean grabbed the blankets tightly. Sam bowed his head covering his ears. He shut his eyes tight wanting to block out the sight and noise of Dean's cries.

At the top of his lungs he yelled, "WAKE UP!"

* * *

Sam sat there slumped in his chair not wanting to look at any of the screens. He knew it wasn't possible for him to feel tired, but he did. After Dean went back to sleep, Sam had to sit back down. He felt drained.

"Dean, I miss you." More tears fell down his face. His head fell forward. He whispered the only thing that could make him feel better, "Dean."

He turned his attention to the monitors that showed his parents. Mary was out with some man she worked with. They were currently at his place screwing each other. John was passed out with alcohol bottles everywhere. He turned away from them in disgust. This wasn't what he had in mind when he agreed to watch them.

All of a sudden, it was like a light bulb went off in his head. If everything went back over thirty years ago, why were the _Supernatural_ books written? They weren't supposed to be come out until '05. Even then, Chuck would have no visions to write the books if he wasn't born. Without him being born, the Winchesters would never have become hunters.

What the hell is going on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything in italics when talking about the books, comes straight from the show. I got the transcript online. I wanted to change it up a little so it could resemble something of a book. I hope you enjoyed it. Until next time. -Kauri510


	5. Chapter 5

Dean was getting a little restless in the car, but he kept driving. He couldn't keep stopping. Ever since he decided to find the author, he had to stop a few times. Even though his car looked new, there were so many issues with it. He was running out of money, and he had to spread it out until he found the guy.

Driving out to California was turning out to be a hassle. He didn't know that much about reading maps, and he's never left Lawrence. He was afraid to leave in case John ever found out. Since he was a minor, he didn't want to know what John could do when he was brought back.

When he hit California, he sighed in relief. Now that he was here, he was getting a little nervous. When he first read the publishing history, he left in the heat of the moment, and now that he was here what was he going to say? How was he going to get the publisher to give up Edlund's address? According to the map, he had some time to come up with something.

By nightfall, Dean realized something a lot of men didn't like to admit; he was lost. He passed a sign to let him know where he was but it was too dark to see even with his headlights. He pulled over to the side of the road, and pulled out the map. Hovering his flashlight over the map he saw movement just ahead of him.

Dean looked up and saw a beautiful woman in white. He tilt his head in confusion. Why the hell was she out here? It was the middle of the night, and it was freezing out. He put his map away, and drove a little ahead.

* * *

Dean couldn't just drive pass her, and move on. Any good person would stop... or a psycho killer. Rolling down the window, her called out to her. "Excuse me Miss?"

The woman looked at him and she looked sad, but she didn't say anything. She just stayed where she was.

"Do you need a ride? It's kind of cold out here.''

When she looked at him, he confirmed she was beautiful. She had long brown hair, a white blouse and skirt, but no shoes. This woman must be crazy being out here dressed like that.

"Take me home?" she asked.

Dean nodded and she got in. Having nothing else to say right then, he drove off.

Dean drove for about five minutes in silence. He wasn't blind not to notice that she was rubbing her leg seductively, and in doing so slowly bringing her skirt higher. In high school, he was always terrible with girls. He knew what the girls thought of him, but he never believed it.

There were a few girls he liked, and he really wanted to ask them out. When he had the courage to walk up to the girl, he would freeze up and bolt. After what happened with John, he wasn't ready. If he would get with a woman, he would remember the horrible fact that his first time was with his father. How disgusting is that?

"Where do you live?" he asked.

She looked ahead, "At the end of Breckenridge Road."

Dean didn't even glance at her. He had no idea where that was. "Miss, I'll take you home, but I don't know where that is. I'm not from around here."

She said nothing, just pointed ahead.

He looked at her, and he spotted her other hand touching her chest. She was obviously bringing attention to her cleavage. He cleared his throat, and turned his attention back to the road.

"A girl like you shouldn't be out here alone. You never what kind of weirdos are out here."

"I'm with you,'' she said calmly but sadly.

He ignored that, but noticed she was pulling her dress even higher than before. Even though he was raped, he was still a man. He liked women, so he would be lying if he said she wasn't hot.

_You little whore._

He winced thinking of John's words. _I am not a whore._ He felt her reach out to him, and he couldn't help but flinch. If she noticed, she didn't say anything or pull back. She turned his face to look at her.

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

 _Oh god._ "Yes, you're very pretty." His body was shaking a little from fear.

"Will you come home with me?"

He pulled his face away from her, and turned back to the road. It didn't matter if she was beautiful, this wasn't what he thought of happening when he asked her if she needed a ride home. 

"Let's... uh... just get you home."

_You little whore._

* * *

Dean eventually pulled in front of an old house. From the looks of it, it looked abandoned. He could tell no one's lived here for a long time. Looking at the house, he was starting to get a sense of deja vu. It must be the many horror movies he's watched over his time.

"I can never go home."

Dean's eyes widened at this point. He slowly turned his head in her direction. She was just looking at her house with so much sadness in her eyes.

"You're Constance Welch, aren't you?" He didn't know what brought him to ask that, but he did. His body was now shaking with a different sense of fear.

Her eyes were on him and they looked pissed. He slowly reached for a salt shaker on his door. Dean didn't know why he bought it from the grocery store; he just laughed it off thinking that he was reading too much _Supernatural_.

If she wasn't a ghost then at least he could drive away feeling embarrassed rather than not driving away at all.

Constance's body flickered. She was a ghost. There was a ghost in his car. He was looking at a ghost! She was sitting next to him one minute, and the next she was straddling him. Right then and there he was back in his room with John. He was being fucked by John. When she kissed him, all he saw was John. That all changed when he felt pain in his chest. He screamed out.

_''That's it, son. Scream for me."_

He grabbed the salt throwing it at her, and Constance disappeared. Not thinking about anything, he put the car in reverse and backed out. Looking at the house once more, he put his car in drive and sped off.

With the house in his rearview mirror, he was thinking a million thoughts a minute. Question after question ran through his mind, but the one that kept repeating itself was:

_What the fuck just happened?!_

* * *

Dean parked his car outside a motel still shaken up with what happened. How the hell was that Constance? She wasn't supposed to be real. She was just a fictional character from a book series. What he saw wasn't real. It couldn't be real.

He scoffed. Besides even if it were real, there was no way it was the same ghost from a book series. If that were true, then how much more of the books were real? Because if it was the same ghost, then what... Sam and Dean were real? He shook his head.

Once he got the key to his room, Dean grabbed his bag. Just before he shut the trunk, he caught a glimpse of the first book. He just stared at it. What if it was true? What if it was the same ghost? He must be crazy if he was actually considering the fact that the books were real.

Nevertheless he found himself grabbing the book. Finally inside the room, Dean settled his things. Before he proved whether or not the books were real, he wanted to clean himself up. He didn't like the way he felt especially since Constance was on top of him.

After his shower, Dean settled on top of the bed. He stared at the book for a moment fighting himself whether or not he should open it. Because if he confirms that it's the same ghost, then what about the rest of the books? How much more was true?

Dean skimmed through the chapters that start when Sam and Dean go through the history of Constance, and he stopped just before Dean escaped the jail.

Sam and Dean went to Jericho, which he just confirmed it's where he was at. They confirm that she's a Woman in White. She killed her kids, and then killed herself because her husband cheated on her. Now she killed other men who were unfaithful. He felt sympathy for her, but she did just try to kill him. Skipping to the end, he reads what Sam does. He could do that... can't he?

What the hell? Here he was finding out ghosts were real, and now he was trying to kill the ghost. Normal people in his position would run for the hills, so why wasn't he? Why wasn't he leaving? He wasn't a hunter. He was just an eighteen year old wanting some answers. The only problem was he didn't know what the questions were.

He rubbed the tiredness from his face. Could he do this? He had no choice, because if he didn't do something this ghost could find some other guy to kill. Dammit! He wasn't some kind of hero. If he knew ghosts were real, surely other people had to know too, right? They could deal with this. But could he leave knowing what could happen?

He checked the time and groaned when it struck one in the morning. He was very tired after the day's events. He flopped down on the bed closing his eyes. He could play hero tomorrow.

* * *

_Dean found himself in complete darkness. Part of him felt comfortable, but the other part didn't like that he was alone. He looked around wanting something or someone to come out, or for the lights to go on._

_When he turned around, he saw a faint light in the distance. He walked toward it. It didn't seem far, and the closer he got he saw the lights separating. When he got close enough he could tell they were similar to small TV screens._

_His attention switched to a figure sitting in front of them. The person was just watching them. He couldn't tell what were on the screens from his distance. Dean was about to walk even further to find out who it was, when he hit something. He stuck his hand out, and it was like a clear glass in front of him._

_Dean knocked on it. "Hey!" The figure ignored him. He yelled out louder. Still nothing._

_"Dean!" He turned around and saw to his horror that it was John. No, he couldn't be here. He left him in Kansas._

_Dean turned back to the glass. He banged harder. "Hey! Help me, please," he cried out. He looked back and saw that John was getting closer._

_"Come on, son. I want to have some fun with you." Dean felt pure fear._

_"Please, turn around!" Dean felt tears fall down his face. He couldn't let John get him. "I'm here! Help me, please.'' Dean banged on the glass repeatedly, but no matter what the person couldn't hear him._

_John was getting closer, and he began unzipping his pants. Dean vision was getting blurry from his tears, and his heart rate was flying through the roof._

_"Wake me up!" He yelled to the sky, still trying to break the glass. This had to be a dream._

_"Somebody wake me up!" He gave up trying to get the person's attention. He turned around and pressed himself up as much as he could against the glass. Why wasn't he running away? Why wouldn't his body move? God dammit!_

_"You know you'll enjoy it, Dean." John pulled out his cock, slowly stroking it._

_Dean kept shaking his head. "Wake up, wake up,'' he told himself over and over._

_John was now in front of him. He had a shit eating grin on his face that Dean wished he could wipe off, but he was too scared. This man took his virginity away. This man hurt him. This man hurt him enough to be afraid of a beautiful woman._

_"I love you Dean," John reached out to touch his cheek. His hand slowly dropped down to his neck where the hickey once was. "I'll take care of you," John said with a false sense of security._

_"Please, stop." Dean said weakly. He couldn't get his body to stop shaking._

_"You don't mean that." John squeezed Dean's neck and dragged him to the ground. Dean's fear was preventing him from fighting back. He was just too scared._

_"S-'' His voice was cut off when John slapped him. "S_ _AAAMMM!"_

* * *

Dean's eyes shot open in fear. He didn't know what he was dreaming of, and by his body covered in sweat, and his heart rate's fast speed, he didn't know if he wanted to remember. He had a feeling it was about John. Why couldn't he get over this? Why was John still in his head?

After cleaning up, Dean stayed in his room for the day going over his plan for that night. His mind kept changing when it came to if he should do it or not. He really needed to find his missing piece, but he had a strong feeling that this was important. That he had to do this. But he wasn't a hunter. He wasn't like Sam and Dean. They were strong men; he wasn't. He was weak.

When night hit, his mind was set. He packed up his things, and got in his car. He made his choice, and although he was scared he had to do this. He felt it deep down that this is was he needed to do. Was he stupid going after a ghost that could possibly kill him? Yes. Should he just go straight to the publishing house and demand to see Carver Edlund? Yes. Was he going to turn his back on this? No.

Dean drove up slowly so he doesn't miss Constance. He drove further than he did the night before. He thought she wasn't going to show herself since he hasn't been with anyone. If that's true, then why did she attack him last night?

He stopped the car when he saw her. He rolled down her window, and leaned over.

"Do you need a ride?" He had to keep his voice as normal as he could. He was praying that she didn't recognize him.

Constance looked at him, "Take me home?"

"Get in."

Once she shut the door, the fear started to kick in, but it wasn't enough to overlap his determination to get rid of her. She asked the same things she did the night before, but this time he played along. He had to get to her house in one piece.

When the car stopped he made sure to have his salt just in case. He looked at her, and she climbed onto his lap. Pushing away the fear from John, he focused on her.

"Hold me, I'm so cold." She was touching his chest, and he was losing control over his breathing.

"You can't kill me," he said pulling away from her attempted kiss. "I've never been with anyone to be unfaithful." He smirked at her. He was safe, but the look on her face wiped his smirk right off.

"That isn't true." She kissed him. "Your heart and soul belong to another."

He screamed out from the same pain he felt the night before.

"You've been with another sexually." She grabbed his chin hard, "Did you enjoy it? You've been unfaithful to the one your heart and soul belong to. You're a cheater, and a liar."

His eyes widened in fear. This wasn't in the book. How the hell did she know that?

* * *

_"You like it... You moaned as I fucked you... You little whore."_

John's words kept playing over and over. Why couldn't he be more like Dean from the books? He was strong and brave, so why couldn't _he_? Thinking about Dean and the books, he remembered Sam. He remembered what he did. He thought about Sam.

Thinking about what Sam did he mustered up enough courage. With her still on his lap, he put the car in drive and looked her in the eyes.

"I'm taking you home bitch!" He stomped on the gas, and it sped off crashing through the house.

Dean struggled out of the car, and saw Constance picking up a portrait. She looked so sad, but when her eyes locked on his, she was angry. She threw it to the ground, and then he saw a dresser coming at him. He couldn't move quick enough from the pain he felt, so it pinned him to his car.

With her making her way to him, he felt fear once more. He was angry with himself. When was he going to stop being so damn afraid?

He was about to open his mouth to beg her not to kill him, when they both heard running water. He remembered this from the book. Her kids were here. Constance looked up and went to the bottom of the stairs. By the look on her face, he wasn't the only one scared.

She turned around and saw both her son and daughter. They wrapped their arms around her, and she yelled out in a blood curdling scream. Dean saw in both fear and awe at what looked like demonic hands pulling her down. Once she was gone, all that was left was water.

* * *

As Dean was driving, he couldn't help but think of Constance's words.

_Your heart and soul belong to another._

Who did his heart and soul belong to? He shook the question away. He had other things to worry about. He needed to find Carver Edlund. Once he was done with him, then he'll worry about that. Dean looked at the map, and made his way down the road.

* * *

Sam just sat there miserable. He hated that all he could do was watch Dean continue to have nightmares.

He heard Dean mumble something in his sleep, but he couldn't make it out. All he could do was sit there in complete darkness and watch his brother have nightmares. And all what he wanted to do was soothe him. Once he could do that, then he could go kill John.

Sam rubbed his face. He knew he couldn't get tired, but he still felt it. His head shot up when he heard something. He straightened up and looked around. He didn't see anything. He went back to the monitors, and that's when he heard it loud and clear:

_"SAAAMMM!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it and I hope the wait was worth it. Tell me what you all think, if not oh well. Until next time. -Kauri510


	6. Chapter 6

Okay, Dean was officially lost. He sucked at reading maps, and he was getting more and more frustrated. When were they going to make an easier way to find a location? He was getting tired of reading this damn map. He was about ready to rip up the map and just drive. Taking a deep breath, he got his frustration under somewhat control.

Dean checked his watch and groaned. It was nearly midnight, and he didn't feel any closer to the publishing house than he did that morning. He just had to get to the publisher and than he can figure out what's next. What was he going to do once he saw Edlund? What was the point of coming here?

Dean stopped at a gas station seeing as how he hasn't filled it up in quite a few days. Opening his wallet, he grimaced. He didn't have that much money left, and he didn't know how he was going to get more. He didn't know how long more this trip was going to take, so he had to come up with something.

Pulling out of the gas station, he looked down the street and sighed heavily. He didn't think he'd have to play again. It was a local bar, and most likely there were pool tables. He had hustled a few times in the past seeing as how most of his money was saved from those times. He hadn't played pool in awhile, so maybe it _was_ time to play.

* * *

Dean parked his car about a block away from the bar. He had learned a few times to be careful where you parked in case you beat people that didn't know how to lose. Before he walked in, he made sure to have his fake ID. He may only be eighteen, but he's been twenty-one for a couple of years. It was pretty sad that as long as you had an ID the bartender will look the other way.

Going in he scouted the pool tables and found an empty table next to a bunch of drunk men. He couldn't let his fear of what John did get in the way tonight. He needed the money so he could get to the publisher and find Carver Edlund.

Dean had put on a show in order to attract poor victims. It didn't take long for the few guys who were watching the other table to notice him. Once they made eye contact, Dean knew they were interested.

"Hey, baby. You want a game?" The man was obviously drunk off his ass with they way he was slurring his words.

"You sure you're up to a game?" Dean had to keep himself under control. He couldn't freak out now. He had his victim, now all he had to do was beat his ass and he could leave. He just needed a few more hundred dollars and he'd be set.

"Don't worry, I can play." He walked up to Dean and pressed his body to his. "You sure _you're_ up to it?"

Dean had to get away from him, or he was just going to forget this whole thing. If he had to he'd sleep in his car if it meant saving money. Even if he slept in his car, he had to remember he needed something for after. So getting his fear under control, he gently pushed the man away not wanting him to leave.

"Just so you know, I'm not very good."

"That's okay baby, I'll be gentle."

Dean wanted to throw up from the look he was just given. He knew men can be perverted pigs, but were all of them like that? Or did he just attract them?

They came to an agreement of a hundred dollars for the first game. The guy was good, but not as good as he thought. Dean knew without a doubt that he would win. Like any good hustler, he was going to have to lose in order to win. That's what he did.

Dean gave up the first two games, but that's exactly what he wanted. He begged the guy to give him one more chance to win some of his money back, and after a moment the man caved. Normally, he would only lose the first game, then win it all back in the second, but he saw how much money this guy was packing. With the money he had, there was no way Dean could ignore it.

The game was at six hundred dollars each, and that wasn't including the three hundred from the first two games. Dean wanted to make sure the guy had his end, because Dean didn't have his. Before he came in, he made sure to have the outside bill a hundred and the rest smaller bills. If he really had over seven hundred dollars on him, there was no way he would even be here.

While the man was drinking more, Dean played for real. The guy didn't know what hit him. It wasn't too long before Dean beat his ass, collected the money, and was making his way to his car. Checking his watch, Dean saw that it was almost two in the morning. He counted his money and grinned. He went in with three hundred dollars, and left with a little over a thousand.

Dean unlocked his car, and was about to get in when he was shoved against his car. Dean felt a body press against himself, and he started to panic.

"You think you can get one over me and expect to walk away?" It was the man from the bar. Dean could feel the man's breath on his neck, and this time he couldn't control the fear that taking over.

"Did you really think my friends weren't watching?" The man pressed his crotch against Dean's ass. Dean whimpered.

"Look man, I won fair and square. Lose with some dignity." Dean voice was shaking like crazy. He just wanted the man to go away. He was regretting ever going into the bar. He just needed the money to get some answers to questions he didn't even know.

The man pulled his head back by his hair. Dean's eyes were glistening with tears. "You call hustling playing fair?"

"Matt, stop playing with him,'' a voice from behind them said.

Hearing another voice, Dean's heart was pounding even more. Could this night get any worse?

"Yeah, Matt. Are we doing this or not?" another voice said.

One minute Dean himself against the car, the next he was being shoved in his backseat... face down. His body was going into shock, because he knew what was going to happen. He shook his head. He couldn't let this happen again. It was bad enough with John; there was no way he was just going to take it.

Dean struggled and tried to push them off. He couldn't let this happen again. He couldn't get raped again. He was just starting to move on from what John did. He didn't know how he was going to get through this one.

"We got ourselves a fighter gentlemen.'' Dean didn't know who said that, and he didn't care.

"Please, just take the money. You can have it all."

Matt, who was still on top of him, whispered in his ear. "Naw, you can have it. We're going to get our money back in another way." Dean's eyes widened. "Got to get our money's worth." Having said that, Matt pulled down Dean's pants.

"No! Please don't do this." Dean tried yet again to shove the man off. He managed to hit the man in the face with his elbow. Matt didn't like that. Dean heard him growl, and that didn't sound good at all.

"It was cute the first time, now you're pissing me off!" Dean was about to do it again, when he heard an even more awful sound. The cocking of a gun. Dean's body froze at that point.

"Stop moving, or you die right now." Dean did. "Sluts like you need to just shut up and take it. It's all you're good for anyway."

"Please," Dean cried. He cried out even more when Matt's cock penetrated his hole. Dean wanted to fight back so much, but knowing the gun was on him stopped him.

* * *

Apparently Matt didn't like the noises coming from Dean, so he covered his mouth. But Matt did like the moans coming from him. Dean felt so much betrayal from his body. It was one thing for his body to like what John did, but it was just as bad to have it like it from total strangers.

"That's it baby. You know you like it," Dean felt the man suck on his neck. Dean shut his eyes. Why weren't there any people out there? Then he remembered that he parked in the dark part of the street. The street lamp above him was out. He was so stupid!

He wanted to park there because if he was caught hustling, then whoever he hustled wouldn't see him getting in his car. It worked before, so why couldn't it work this time? Why did the one time he did it, it didn't work? Why couldn't the men just take the money?

Matt came inside Dean, and shoved him even more into the seat. Dean felt too weak to move. He wanted to just get in the driver's seat and never come back. When he felt Matt leave, he thought it was over.

"Your turn, Kevin," Matt said.

"Don't mind if I do." It just got worse.

Dean just wanted to block out their voices. He wanted them to go away, and leave him alone. Why couldn't for once he get what he wanted? Dean tried to pick himself up, but then he felt his pants and boxers being pulled off.

"Please, stop,'' Dean begged weakly.

Kevin ignored him. Dean was being turned over. "Whores like you belong on your back."

He hated being called that so much. What did he do to deserve this? Was he so bad in a past life that this was what he deserved? Who did he hurt so bad that he deserved to be raped by strangers and his father?

Kevin penetrated him and fucked him hard. Dean heard the other side door open. He opened his eyes, and they widened at the sight before him. The third man was stroking his cock, and it was right in his face.

No, he couldn't let this go on. Since Matt was the one with the gun, he could fight back. He began to push the man off him, but he felt defeated when his hands were grabbed from the man stroking himself.

"Open your mouth," the third man ordered. Dean shook his head. "Matt, give me the gun.'' A moment later he found a gun pointed at him. "Either open your mouth, or I shoot.''

Dean could barely see with all the tears in his eyes. Even though he didn't want this, he couldn't die. He couldn't bite it now, not after all that's happened. He had to find his missing piece. He couldn't just die; he had to know. As for what? He still wasn't sure.

So, Dean opened his mouth. Dean's never had a penis in his mouth, and he had hoped that he never would. It was salty and bitter. He wanted to puke. The man fucked his mouth over and over, and all Dean wanted to do was bite it off; the gun still pointed at him stopped him.

Kevin was done with him, and Dean felt relief when he pulled out. All that was left was the man fucking his mouth. It didn't take long for the man to come in his mouth. Dean wanted to spit it out, and when he was going to he felt his nose being plugged.

"If you want to breathe, you'll swallow all of it." Dean was debating on it. If he didn't then he could die and not feel any of what was just done to him. If he did, then he would have to live with it and could find Edlund. So, he swallowed.

"Good boy."

* * *

Dean just laid there feeling tired, dirty and shameful. He couldn't wait for them to leave, so he can wallow in misery. He wanted to go find a motel and wash away what was done to him. He heard the door shut, and closed his eyes.

Dean closed his eyes wanting to succumb to the darkness he could feel closing in on him.

 

He was thrown his pants and boxers, and then heard the door shut. He struggled to get up, and he let out a breath of relief when he saw them all walking away. When they were out of sight, he used his boxers to wipe himself off. He threw it on the floor and struggled to get into the front seat. Right now, all he wanted to do was drive away.

He cried out when he sat down. His ass felt like it was on fire, but he didn't care. He put the car in drive and drove off. He didn't bother with the money he knew was still in the backseat. He got what he needed and he had to pay for it. He decided to just go straight on through to the next city.

Finding Carver Edlund was his top priority; he just hoped that it was all worth it...

* * *

Once he was cleaned, he just laid in bed crying. All he wanted to do was get a little money so he could make it to the publishing house. He knew hustling could be dangerous, but he had to do it. He needed fast money, and he was good at pool. So why did this time have to different from the rest?

Dean wanted them to kill him so badly, but he was kind of glad they didn't. He may have been broken repeatedly, but he was a Winchester. He wasn't going to lay down and die. He prayed that he would get through this. No, he _was_ going to get through this. He had to. If he wanted to find what was missing, he knew he had to. He just hated that he had to go through it by himself.

His body finally wore itself out from the trauma and pain he felt. Dean was perfectly fine with that.

* * *

_Dean found himself in the same darkness as the last time. He remembered seeing John, but this time John wasn't here. He remembered seeing TV screens, and he looked around until his eyes landed on it._

_Not wanting to waste any time, Dean ran towards it. He stopped just in time to find the glass still blocking his way. He banged on the glass but just like last time it did nothing. So, he stopped._

_By the build of the person watching the screens, he could tell it was a man. By his posture, the man looked upset. He even seemed angry. For some reason, Dean wanted to comfort the man. He didn't know him, but he didn't like the fact that this man was upset._

_"Hey!" Dean turned around to find John making his way to him. The panic was setting in. Dean banged on the glass. He had to get that man's attention._

_"Hey! Mister, please help me!" Dean yelled. Nothing. The man didn't even notice him._

_"Over here," Dean turned back. Next to John was Matt. He was terrfied._

_"You have to help me!" Tears were pouring down his face. "Please, help me."_

_"Baby, don't cry. We'll be gentle."_

_Dean closed his eyes. It was Kevin. Dean pounded on the glass. He couldn't let this happen again._

_"Sammy! Please, you have to help me!" He didn't know why said it, but he did. When he banged on the glass again, he heard a crack. It was breaking!_

_He was shoved up against the glass hard. He was then thrown to the ground. He fought and fought against the men, but it was to no avail._

_Dean looked around while still fighting the men from taking his pants off. He looked around for something that could help him. He didn't want these four men to hurt him. He froze when that thought was complete. Who was the fourth man? The man wasn't the one who fucked his mouth, so who was he?_

_"Get up!" The man yelled in a deep voice. "Fight back. Don't let them hurt you any more than they already have. You're stronger than this!''_

_"Help me,'' Dean begged. He knew he was in trouble when they got his pants off._

_The man shook his head. "I can't. Not until you know who you are." The man looked up, and Dean followed his gaze. The man on the other side was walking toward them._

_Dean felt his heart fill up with hope. "Sam, help me!" He screamed out when he was penetrated._

_The man on the other side started running toward him. Dean looked back at the fourth man, wanting to see his face._

_"Who are you?" Dean demanded._

_The man bent down close to his face. Even though he could see the other men perfectly, he couldn't see this man's face. The man lightly kissed him on his lips and whispered, "Try looking in the mirror."_

_Before the man on the other side made it to him, he heard another crack in the glass._

Dean woke up in a cold sweat. His body was shaking, and his heart racing. He knew by now that he had to have dreamt about his attackers. He was just so glad he couldn't remember the dream.

* * *

Sam felt so pissed off at what he just saw. Dean was just starting to get passed what John did to him, and now it happened again. He was more angry with himself, because this was his fault. He thought he was doing something good for his brother, but it turned out to be the biggest mistake of his life, and he set Lucifer free.

When Dean dies and goes to Heaven, he didn't know how he was going to look him in the eyes. He didn't even deserve to be with Dean in Heaven. Maybe it would be better if he just faded.

Sam's head shot up when he heard screaming. He looked around him, but saw nothing. He brushed it off last time, but now he knew someone was out there. He was walking quickly toward the source. He had a feeling where it was coming from.

Years ago, Sam decided to walk the perimeter, and found a huge glass wall. He couldn't get passed it, and he left it alone thinking it was nothing.

As Sam was getting closer, he heard someone cry out for help. He ran. When he got close enough, he saw Dean on the ground getting raped by the same men who did it out there. Just before he reached the wall, Dean faded away along with three men. The fourth man was just about to walk away into the darkness, and that's when Sam recognized him. How could he not, when the last time he saw him Sam was watching him run after him.

Sam touched the glass gently and whispered, "Dean.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate hurting Dean, but there's a point to it. The situation with Sam and the other Dean will be explained later on in the story along with who he is. Until next time. -Kauri510


	7. Chapter 7

It's been a few days since the bar incident, and Dean didn't know if he was going to improve. He felt like trash, but wasn't he supposed to? If he didn't, then did it mean that he liked it or wanted it?

Ever since he's been on this trip, he hasn't touched or pleasured himself in any way. All he could see were the sick fucks who hurt him. He needed the release, but until he got through this then all he would think about was what happened to him. That was the last thing he needed right now.

After what happened, he's been withdrawing into himself more and more. How was he supposed to get through this? He didn't have anyone to help him, so how could he help himself? He's never met anyone who was raped, so he had no idea what to do. What did rape victims do for themselves? 

Maybe he was wrong... maybe he did have someone. Or two someones. Over the time he's been traveling through California, he's been reading the Supernatural books over and over. He feels really connected to the brothers. Even with the life they lived, he still saw them as lucky men. In his opinion, Dean would go through what they went through if he had a brother like Sam and Dean.

Dean drove down the road thinking about what he was going to do after he spoke to Carver Edlund. When he destroyed Constance's spirit, he felt good. He felt like he suddenly had a purpose. He felt strong knowing that he stopped a ghost that would most likely have killed more men. Maybe that was what he was supposed to do. Maybe that was his destiny...

A sound coming from his car broke him out of his thoughts. He didn't know much about cars, but he did know that the noise meant that his car was going to stop. It happened twice before, and he was told that if it happened again, it wasn't going to pretty. He groaned. Just what he needed. It was a good thing that he saw a sign for an auto shop up ahead.

Dean pulled in, and just before he turned off the car, it turned off by itself. Well, at least he made it to the auto shop before the car broke down. He was really hoping that it wouldn't cost too much to get it fixed. He just needed to get it running long enough to make it to the publisher. From there he'll think of something else. Getting Edlund's address was important, so a broken car wasn't going to stop him from getting to him.

* * *

As Dean walked into the shop, he made his way to the front. He had no idea what was wrong with his car, so he was hoping that the mechanic could figure it out on his own. He saw a man at the front counter, and hesitantly made himself known. After what happened at the bar, he wasn't going to let his guard down for anything.

"Excuse me?" Dean said clearing his throat.

The man looked up putting some papers to the side. "Yes, can I help you?"

"Yeah, my car just stopped running. Can you take a look at it?" Dean asked not making eye contact. 

"Has it happened before?" He asked once Dean popped the hood.

Dean nodded. "Twice before."

Dean had no idea what the man was looking for. He saw the man tap something a few times, and then he moved away from it and walked to the driver's side.

"Keys?"

Dean tossed him the keys, and watched as he put the key in. It started right up. It may have started, but he knew that it didn't mean it was fixed.

"So... what was wrong with it?" Dean asked carefully.

The man got out and said nothing for a moment. "Well, your starter is bad. You should get it replaced." He wiped his hands on a rag from his back pocket.

Dean really wished he knew what that was. "How much?" He was hoping it wouldn't be too much. He needed to make sure the money lasted.

The man studied both him and the car. Dean didn't like the way he was being looked at. From the look he was given, he was starting to think he gave out a signal for all rapists in the area. He stepped back to put space between them.

"$140."

Dean nodded. From the money he had, he didn't think that was too much. As he was pulling out his wallet, his attention was brought to the far back. Dean had the man wait while he checked something.

There were cars that were for sale lined up for potential buyers. They were all nice cars for being used, but there was one that caught his eye. He may not know much about cars, but he did know about this one. Never laying eyes on one in person, he could recognize this car anywhere.

A 1967 Chevy Impala.

From what Dean saw, she didn't look that bad. If anything she was just dirty. He knew that you couldn't judge the inside of the car, but the exterior. Dean examined the car, and felt something. He felt that he had to have this car. Dean felt that this car was his...

Dean saw the for sale sign, and winced at the price. $2500. He only had about a thousand. He frowned. He needed this car, but he didn't have enough. This was his car and no matter what... he wasn't going to leave here without her.

* * *

Walking back to the man, Dean pulled out his wallet. "I have a $1100 in cash, plus my car."

The man looked at him confused. "And?"

"You can have it all for that Impala back there. It should be enough for it." Dean motioned to the back.

The man followed his gaze and looked back him. "You want the Chevy?" Dean nodded. "Well, the cash plus the car is about $2300, but to replace the bad starter it comes around $2200." He shook his head. "Not enough."

"Please?" Dean didn't know why he needed that car so bad. Maybe it was because of the books, or maybe it was something else. Either way, he needed to have it.

The man examined him. Dean prayed and prayed that this wasn't going where he thought it was. He closed his eyes. _Please, God, don't let this happen again._

"Where you headed kid?" the man asked casually.

"Nowhere in particular." Dean wasn't stupid. There was no way he was going to tell some stranger where he was going.

"Is this all the money you have?" He motioned to the money in Dean's hands. Dean nodded. "Since I haven't been able to sell that car since I got it, I'll take the car and $500."

Dean didn't question him for a moment. He pulled out the money, and gave it to him along with the keys to the Honda. He was told to wait while the man went to fetch the pink slip and keys.

Dean didn't realize how grateful he was that this went so smoothly. From the look he was given, it seemed like the man wanted sex from him or maybe it was just in his head. Either way, he was just glad it didn't go down like that. Sex was already ruined for him, he didn't want to have to give it up for the car. But everything that he was feeling, he couldn't completely deny he wouldn't do it for the car if it had come to it.

The man came out with everything he needed. Once he was set, Dean grabbed his bags and as many books as he could. He had to come back twice because of the books and to make sure he didn't leave anything else.

Dean put his bags and books in the backseat, and sat there just staring at the wheel getting a feel for it. He had it. He had the Impala. He put the key in and it roared to life. She sounded beautiful. For the first time in a while, he expressed a genuine smile.

"Baby, you're mine now," Dean said to his new girl. Dean put it in drive and pulled out. He stopped just before the man went back inside.

"Excuse me?" He turned back. "Where did you get this car?"

The man had to think about it for a moment. "Kansas."

* * *

Dean had never been in love before, and after what had happened he didn't think he would. Being in the car, he was in love. He felt like he finally had something to care about. When he first sat inside, he felt safe. He felt safe against the men who hurt him. He felt safe against John. He just felt protected.

He glanced at the passenger seat, and suddenly felt alone. Was this what Dean felt when Sam left for college? Did he feel alone? Did he feel alone when Sam left him for Ruby? He would give anything to have someone like Sam sitting there.

Turning back to the road, Dean passed a sign that made his heart skip a beat. He was here. He made it! All he had to do was find the address, and he would find him. He didn't know what gave him the strength to keep going, but he believed that it was what was missing that gave him the strength to carry on.

If it wasn't for wanting to be whole, Dean knew he would've just given up a long time ago. Would he be weak for wanting to give up? Would he be at fault?

He was getting tired, so he stopped at a motel. Now that he only had half of what he had, he only paid for one night. Now that he was here, there was no point in paying for anything more. He would find the publisher tomorrow, and finally get some answers.

After Dean took a shower, he went straight to sleep. Before sleep took over, he prayed to God that he wouldn't dream of his attacks. Hopefully God would listen tonight.

_Dean was back in the same darkness he was in every time he would dream. He quickly looked for the light from the screens. If he found the screens, he would find Sam. He didn't know who Sam was, but he knew that Sam would never hurt him._

_"Sam?" He called out._

_Dean looked around, but saw no screen lights. When he turned around once more, he saw a faint light bulb swinging. He had never seen this, so he walked up to it cautiously. He was a few feet from it, when he noticed that the light was in something._

_Dean held out his hands to feel what it was. He frowned when he touched bars. The more bars he felt, he soon realized it was a cage. He peered inside, and saw something move._

_"Sam?"_

_Nothing._

_"Who's in there?" He stepped back._

_"Hello, Dean." A deep voice said._

_He recognized it. It was the same voice from the last time he came here. He looked around for the men who hurt him._

_"Who are you?"_

_"Does it matter? You won't remember me anyway." The man sounded bitter._

_It upset Dean in ways he didn't understand. "_ _Please, tell me your name."_

_The figure walked up to him, but just like last time Dean couldn't see his face._

_"I told you..." Dean could feel his breath on his face, "try looking in the mirror."_

_Dean looked down. Look in the mirror? He didn't know what that meant. "Why are you in here?"_

_The figure walked back to his spot and sat down. "It's a part of the deal. The part that Sam didn't know about."_

_Dean's head shot up when he heard Sam's name. "You know Sam?"_

_The man scoffed. "Yeah, I know Sam. Damn selfless bastard."_

_"What do you mean? How do you know him?" Selfless? What the hell was this man talking about?_

_"He's my brother."_

_Dean's eyes widened. He didn't know how he came up with it, but he knew it was right. "You're Dean from the_ Supernatural _books." Dean smiled. He was suddenly star struck._

 _"The_ Supernatural _books?" Other Dean said. "I guess those books will be written one way or another."_

_"What does that mean?" asked Dean._

_Other Dean shook his head. "Forget it."_

_He chuckled. "I guess now wouldn't be the best time to ask for an autograph, huh?"_

_There was silence for awhile, and then a soft laugh. "Maybe next time, kid."_

_"What is this place? If being in here is a part of a deal, then how did you get out before?" Dean asked remembering the kiss. "Why didn't you help me?"_

_Other Dean sighed and moved to lay on his back. "Like I said last time, I couldn't help you because you need to know the truth about who you are first. The help I'll give you is not the kind you'll like, but it's what you need."_

_"Is that what's been missing from me?" Dean asked with so much hope._

_Other Dean shook his head. "No. If you want to be whole, you'll have to figure out what's missing on your own." He sounded so sad. "I just wished I didn't lose sight of my center when I had it,'' his voice softened._

_"As for what this place is... it's complicated. You won't be here long enough for me to explain so you can understand."_

_"And how you got out?" Dean asked wanting to get closer to his hero. Other Dean was so sad, and Dean just wanted to comfort him._

_"For eighteen years, I've been trying to get out. I heard what happened the first time you came," Dean flinched, "but I still couldn't get out. I'm sorry. After seeing what I saw from that bastard father of yours, I swore that the next time you came here, I was going to get out and I did. I broke the bars, and it was enough to slip out. After I came back here, the bars were just like new. I knew I wasn't going to get out again._

_"I'm sorry this had to happen to you, Dean. Please, when you find out the truth don't blame Sam. The blame isn't entirely on him. He didn't know that your parents would end up the way they did. I know I don't.''_

_"Why-?" He was cut off when he saw himself fading. He started to panic. He looked up at Other Dean wanting to know what was happening._

_Other Dean didn't move. He just turned his head to look at him. "Don't worry kid, you're just waking up." He turned away from Dean's fading body._

_"But I still have questions." Dean felt tears in his eyes. He didn't want to leave. He may be in complete darkness, but he's never felt more safe._

_"You won't remember us talking when you wake up, but just know you're on the right path. Just keep going."_

_Dean felt himself on the brink of waking up. He knew at any moment he was going to wake up and leave this place. Before he faded completely, he heard Other Dean speak._

_"Make sure you take care of my baby."_

* * *

Dean stood in front of the publishing house, and his heart never slowed down. He was getting more and more nervous when he walked up to the door. He knew it was a publishing house, but he didn't know it was an actual house.

He knocked and waited for the door to open. He heard footsteps coming closer, and he wasn't feeling any better. Finally it opened.

"Can I help you?" asked an older woman with short dark hair.

"Are you the one who published the _Supernatural_ books?" Dean asked nervously. He didn't know how he was going to get the woman to give up Edlund's address, he just knew he had to.

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I've traveled a long way, and I really need to speak with Carver Edlund." Dean couldn't bear coming all this way for nothing.

She shook her head. "No. I can't tell you that. He's a very private person." She went to shut the door, and he was watching meeting the author slowly disappear. He put his hand up to stop her. "Look kid, I can't give up his address."

Dean didn't care that he was about to cry. This couldn't be the end. "Please, I've been through so much to get here. I've come all the way from Kansas with little money. I spent most of my money on the entire series. I've been raped by three men because I hustled some money to get here. I've stayed in crappy motel rooms not eating too much to save money. Every night I would have nightmares of the rape all because I need to speak with him."

The woman opened the door wider and stared at the young man breaking down in front of her. She's seen a lot of different people in her time, and could hear a lie right off the bat, and this wasn't one.

"I'm not some stalker that's obsessed with the man. I'm not looking for an autograph, or get a picture. I just need to find him."

"Why?" She was honestly curious on why a young man who went through so much would want to find some author.

Dean wiped away his tears. "I need to know what happened after the last book. I need to know what happened with Sam and Dean. Please, I don't know why it's important, but I just know it's important that I find out."

She sighed. "I could get in a lot of trouble for this but,'' she stepped aside to let him in, "I understand. The readers don't know this, but no more books will be published." She looked at his panicked look, so she added, ''But maybe he can just tell you." He sighed in relief.

Dean stood near the door. "If it'll get you in trouble, I won't say anything."

She chuckled, "That's awfully kind of you.''

He saw her write something down. This was it. He was finally going to meet Edlund.

She walked up to him and held out the paper. She snatched her hand back before he could take it. "I'll give this to you if,'' she was sad that he had to look afraid, ''you come back and tell me what he said."

Dean relaxed when she said it. He was honestly thinking she was going to demand sex from him. He agreed. Before she shut the door, she watched him go down the path to the street.

"Kid?" He looked back at her. "You might want to call the police once you're done talking to him. Keeping that in will only break you more than you already are." 

* * *

Dean parked the car in front of the house the address belonged to. He looked at it, and it was a two story run down house. If someone were to fix it up, it would actually look nice. He wasn't going to complain. He's been staying in shitty motels since he left Kansas.

He took a deep breath and walked up to the house. This was it. He was going to meet the man that wrote the _Supernatural_ books. He was going to get answers to questions he hadn't even thought of yet. He just hoped that the answers he got would help him so he can be complete.

He stood in front of the door, and knocked. Just like at the publisher's house, he waited. After a few minutes of standing there, the door finally opened.

A man who looked to be in his thirties stood before him. "What?"

Dean breathed in and slowly breathed out. "Carver Edlund?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm so mean. I hoped you all liked it. I don't know anything about cars, so I didn't know what to put for the problem with the Honda Accord. I doubt I did it right, but oh well; not the point of the chapter. It's not really a Supernatural fanfic without the Impala, so I had to bring her in. Until next time. -Kauri510


	8. Chapter 8

Dean breathed in, and slowly breathed out. "Carver Edlund?"

Carver stood in his robes at the door. He looked like he just woke up which was odd because it was two in the afternoon.

"Yes, what do you want?"

"My name is Dean, and I would really like to speak with you about your _Supernatural_ books. It's very important."

Carver just stared at him. He's never been confronted by a fan of the books since he's never made himself known. Although he was flattered that some kid wanted to talk to him about the books, he just wasn't up to it.

"Kid, I appreciate you coming down here, even though I have no idea how you know where I live, but I'm very busy." Carver went to shut the door, and was making his way back to finishing the last book.

Dean couldn't believe it. He just came face to face with the author and he just closed the door on him. He shook his head. No! He did not come all this way just to be to turned away now. He went through so much shit to meet this guy, and he wasn't leaving until he got some answers.

So, he knocked again. It didn't take as long for the man to answer the door.

"Kid, seriously get a life. They're just books." Carver went to close it again, but Dean stopped it.

"No. I've come a long way to get here going through so much shit that I don't want to get into right now. I'm not leaving until you answer my questions."

* * *

Carver sat down drinking a shot of whiskey. He motioned for Dean to sit across from him.

"What do you want to know?"

"What happened after Sam killed Lilith?"

"Lucifer was set free." He took another drink. Dean motioned for him to continue.

"You do realize they're just books, right?" Dean glared at him. Carver rolled his eyes, but continued. Dean listened as Carver told him about the apocalyspe.

Dean guessed that it was God that put them on the plane before Luficer arrived. He couldn't imagine how he would feel about coming face to face with the Devil. He knew he would be fucking terrified. He understood how the Michael sword would end up being Dean. Dean was very special and had an important role in the story and to be the vessel of Michael is pretty fucking special.

Hearing Nick giving into Lucifer didn't surprise him in the slightest. Nick's whole family was killed and to be told that Lucifer could get justice for him was very tempting. He didn't have family he cared about or vice versa to be able to put himself in Nick's shoes. If he did, maybe he would've given himself up to.

Dean's heart skipped a beat when Sam and Dean parted ways. No, they couldn't do that. Don't they understand by now that they're stronger together? Whether or not they're each other's weak spots, they're also each other's greatest strengths. He just prayed that they didn't stay apart too long.

Lucifer's true vessel was Sam. Michael's vessel was Dean. How tragic. Knowing this, he could only imagine how bad this whole thing is going to end. He wondered how Sam felt when he found out he was going to give into Lucifer of his own free will. He felt horrible just picturing it.

Hearing what could be if Dean didn't say yes to Michael was heartbreaking. He even shed a few tears when he heard what Sam did. Why would Sam say yes? He believed that Sam would never give into him. When Dean still said no, he had even more respect for Dean. He even jumped for joy when Dean finally realized that they're stronger together.

Carver smiled when he saw the look of pure joy on the young man's face. He knew he had fans of his books, because otherwise it wouldn't have gone as long as it did. It was different to actually see it for himself in front of him.

Standing up, Carver picked up his phone and ordered a pizza for them both. Dean pulled out some money to pitch in, but Carver insisted that it wasn't necessary. When Carver went to the door to pay for the pizza, Dean put the money for his share in a Carver's coat pocket. He never wanted to be a charity case, and he wasn't going to start now.

* * *

Both Dean and Carver began to eat, but Dean couldn't wait for them to finish to hear what happened next. So with little begging on Dean's part, Carver continued.

The more Carver spoke the more Dean felt that the brothers really did have bad luck. Reading the published work, Dean knew that they had bad luck with all everything that happened to them, but this was getting a little silly. No two people could have that much bad luck, but then again if there was going to be someone who could prove him wrong it would be the Winchesters.

Dean gasped when he heard that both Sam and Dean were shot and killed. If Dean learned anything from reading the books, it was that the brother's can never stay dead, but that didn't mean it was easy to hear that they did die. Hearing what occurred in Heaven, Dean felt so sorry for Dean. He noticed that between both of their Heavens, Sam's best memories didn't include his family, while Dean's were.

Dean had to look away. Even though he would love to have a brother like Sam, he would still be just as hurt as Dean was knowing that Sam's Heaven didn't include him.

"I thought only soul mates shared a Heaven?" said Dean turning his attention to Carver. According to Ash, everyone should have their own Heaven except in specials cases that were soul mates. So, why were Sam and Dean together?

* * *

When Carver said that Dean threw his amulet away, it broke Dean's heart. That amulet didn't belong anywhere that wasn't around Dean's neck. He understood that Dean was hurt, but that necklace was important. It represented their love for each other. It's supposed to be a reminder to Dean how he felt about his brother. To throw it away like it was garbage was not right in any way.

The day came and gone, and Carver was nearly at the end of his story. During this whole time, Dean had felt happiness, anger, shock, sadness, and even jealousy. He didn't know if he was ready for the end to come. He felt grief hearing the way Jo and Ellen went down, and an unknown feeling when he heard about Adam stuck with Michael.

Carver took a deep breath when he told Dean he was coming to the end. Dean's body began to shake of fear and excitement. This was it. He would finally know how the story ends. He would finally be told how the brothers would end the apocalypse. He knew they would, because these were the Winchesters after all.

With Dean constantly saying no to Michael, he wasn't suprised that it ended up being Adam. He felt like crying when Dean tried to get through to Sam. He shut his eyes hearing Lucifer beating up Dean. He didn't know how to feel when Sam finally got control when all he did was look at army men stuck in the ash tray of the car.

He finally broke down when Sam fell into the cage pulling Adam and Michael along with him. He felt a swarm of emotions knowing that Sam gave himself up for the sake of the world and his brother. Dean could picture Dean kneeling where the hole was just at. He was thrilled that Castiel came back, but it wasn't enough to make him feel better about the fact that Sam was in Hell with two archangels.

There was silence between the two. After awhile, Carver stood up and told him that it was getting late. Dean wiped away the tears and collected himself. He opened the front door, but before he closed it behind him, he looked at Carver.

"What kind of ending is that? How could you end it like that?"

"I've never met anyone who got so wrapped up in a story as much as you have. You've read all of my books, and even heard me talk about the apocalypse. In that whole time, did you ever hear me say anything about it being over?" Carver said without a smirk.

Dean smiled weakly and made his way out of the house.

"Dean?" Dean turned back. "What's your last name?"

Dean was confused. What kind of question was that? Nevertheless, "Winchester."

Carver's facial expression showed nothing. He gestured for him to wait, so Dean did. A few moments later, Carver came back out with about five manuscripts. Dean didn't understand why he was giving these to him.

Carver seeing the look of confusion on Dean's face explained. "These don't cover everything, but reading these you'll get an idea of what happened after. I left out a part at the end that I wrote into the first one. The last one isn't finished, so when you're done with these come back and we'll talk." Carver clapped him on the shoulder, and made his way back to the house.

Dean got in his car, and made his way to the street. Now that he had the manuscripts with him, he didn't know if he was going to be able to sleep. Stopping at a fast food joint, Dean got a room at another shitty motel and shut the door. He didn't bother with a shower; he just ate and read.

* * *

Dean put the last book down on his bed. He didn't know what to say. How could Dean say that to Sam? He didn't understand. He knew that the Mark was influencing Dean in many ways, but it was just hurtful that he could say it at all.

_'I think it should be you up there.'_

NO! That's not the way it should be! Dean is not supposed to say that to his brother. He would give anything to have a brother like Sam. He ignored the tears that glistened on his eyes. He grew up alone, and to have Dean say that to Sam, especially after everything they went through, was not all right.

Dean was the big brother that would do anything to keep his little brother safe and alive. He had sold his soul for him. He stood by Sam instead of John. He saved Sam over and over. He forgave his brother after all the mistakes Sam has made. Yeah, Dean still felt hurt by what has happened, but for Dean it was always Sam that came first. Sam was his first priority. So, no! Dean cannot say that.

Dean was sorry that Charlie died, but it was no excuse for Dean to say what he did to Sam. He should've known that Sam would take it to heart, but then again with Dean being under the influence of the Mark, that's what he might've gone for. Dean is so ungrateful for the fact that him and Sam had something that many people craved for.

It had been two days for Dean to get through the books. He would've finished sooner, but he had to stop a few times. Dean checked his watch, and frowned when it was almost seven in the morning. He hardly slept since he began to read. It was obviously too early to go to Carver and discuss more with him. So, Dean settled to eat the last of his takeout and take a shower. Now that he finished the last of what Carver wrote, he was drained.

Coming out of the shower, Dean closed his eyes and tried to relax. It was easier said than done, because all he could think about was Dean saying what he said to Sam. He could just picture Sam's heartbreaking face. The last thing he thought before sleep took him under was what happened after?

* * *

_Dean was in the same dark place he's been in every night. Why did it have to be so dark? He looked around, but didn't see Other Dean or the cage. Where was he? He wanted to see him again, not because he was the Dean from the books, but because he felt safe with him._

_Thinking of the books, he felt angry. Dean wanted to yell at him. He demanded to know why he hurt Sam?_

_"Dean?!" Dean yelled. He looked around for any sign of Other Dean. Nothing. "Show yourself you bastard!" He felt tears in his eyes._

_He angrily wiped them away. He hated this. Why couldn't he stop crying? Why couldn't he be more like the two men that saved him?_

_He turned around when he heard a knock. It sounded like someone knocking on a window. Dean tried to see what it was, but he couldn't. He stuck his hand out and taking a few steps forward, he gasped when he touched the familiar glass wall._

_Dea frowned. It was different from the previous times he's been here. The more he felt along the wall, the more he noticed it was cracked. The glass was cracking, but was that bad? It was here for a reason, so what would happen if it broke?_

_Then he remembered: Sam was on the otherside. Dean banged on the wall._

_"Sam!" He hit it harder. "Sam, if you're there please answer me." Why could he speak with Other Dean, but not with Sam? Even though he felt safe with Other Dean, he really craved to speak with Sam._

_He waited for any sign that he was being heard. Out of nowhere, he saw a light above him. It was beautiful. He turned back to the wall, and had to bite back a scream and had to take a step back. Standing in front of him on the otherside was someone who he knew without a doubt was Sam._

_Dean stepped forward and placed his hand on the glass and whispered, "Sam?"_

_Sam looked like he wanted to cry, but nodded anyway. ''I'm sorry,'' Sam mouthed._

_Dean didn't understand why he would say that. He may not have been able to hear Sam's voice, but he did hear a crack from the wall._

_The light above them went out, but Dean noticed a light behind him. He wanted to stay with Sam, but he knew the light behind him meant that Other Dean was here. He regretfully walked away from the wall, and made his way to the cage._

_Now that Dean was coming closer to Other Dean, the anger from before was once again surfacing. He remembered why he was angry and thinking about what he read, Dean picked up his pace._

_From the light hanging in the cage, Dean could tell Other Dean was still laying in the same position from the last time he was here. It didn't seem like he moved at all._

_"Welcome back.'' Other Dean greeted in the same tired voice._

_"Don't greet me like we're friends." There was no doubt that Other Dean could hear the anger in Dean's voice, but he still didn't move from his position._

_"Someone went to bed in a bad mood." Other Dean sounded very tired, but Dean was too pissed off to be concerned about it or ask him._

_"How could you say that to Sam?!" Dean asked hitting the bars._

_"I've said a lot of things to Sam, so you'll have to be more specific."_

_"'_ You know what I think? I think it should be you up there.' _Does that ring any bells? Why would you say that to him? You're his brother, his protector, so what in the world gave you the idea to say something like that to him? You know how he is!"_

_There was silence for a while, and Dean was sure that Other Dean wouldn't say anything. He was about to walk back to Sam when he heard Other Dean sigh._

_"So if you know about the Mark, then you should know that at the time of Charlie's death the Mark was getting to me even more. I told Sam to forget about saving me, and because he didn't listen he got Charlie involved. I know she wanted to help, but look where that got her. I never meant what I said to him, and if I didn't have the Mark I never would have said it. Or thought it for that matter."_

_Dean shook his head angrily. "Don't make excuses. Every book I've read about you two, you both overcome the issue as long as you two had each other. Your bond was always enough to overpower the darkness that had its claws into either of you. So don't blame the Mark when all you had to do was realize that your brotherhood was enough!_

_"Did you not realize how fucking lucky you are to have a brother like Sam behind you? To have a brother who would go through so much for you because he couldn't live without you? To work with a witch just to save you? You of all people should know that Sam would do anything in his power to save you. Charlie did what she did, because she loves you. It's not Sam's fault that she died and it's not your fault."_

_Dean looked back at where he knew the glass wall was. "You know it must be hard to have your brother so close yet so far away you lucky ungrateful bastard." He scoffed in disgust. "What I would give to have what you have."_

_Before Other Dean could respond, Dean heard heavy footsteps and laughing behind him. He could recognize those laughs anywhere. He's heard them many times trying to rid them of his mind. Dean fell to his knees gripping the cage bars. He looked in the cage at Other Dean. He may not have been able to see his face, but he could see that his head was turned toward him._

_As Dean was being shoved to the ground... as Dean's pants were being pulled off... as Dean was being pinned to the ground... as Dean was being penetrated by Kevin's hard cock... as Dean tried to fight back... Dean never looked away from Other Dean. And Other Dean never turned away. He didn't know if he imagined it, but he could swear he heard Other Dean whisper 'I'm sorry.'_

_When it was John's turn, Dean felt himself begin to fade. Despite his vision becoming blurry with his tears neither Dean nor Other Dean looked away from the other. Before Dean faded completely, he heard a faint, 'forgive me' somewhere in the background._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are understanding the story. Until next time. -Kauri510


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth...

Later that day around five in the afternoon, Dean arrived at Carver's house. He had the manuscripts in the same condition he received them in, and in his opinion it was hard. Every time he read a difficult part especially the ending, he wanted to throw it against the wall or rip it up.

When Carver let him in, Dean sat down. He knew he was eighteen years of age, but right at the moment he felt beyond his years. He was just tired and wanted to sleep forever. Feeling the way he was and having gone through what he did, he was okay with the idea. Just like all the other times that stopped him from sleeping forever, he couldn't... not until he was complete. Then again if he was whole, he wouldn't want to sleep forever.

"So, what did you think?" asked Carver.

Dean had taken in his appearance. Carver actually looked clean, and come to think of it so did the house. Last time, it was trashed and smelled like it had never been cleaned. Carver seemed to have actually shaved and showered.

"Um... it was really good." Dean looked down playing with his hands. "I mean I was angry at times as well as depressed.''

"Why?"

"I'm very happy Sam was indeed alive, but reading what he did to Dean seriously pissed me off. Letting him get turned into a vampire was outrageous, and it didn't matter if he thought Dean could handle it. Dean was right, he could've hurt Lisa or Ben. Then almost killing Bobby just so he could be soulless forever."

Dean looked away. "I don't like Soulless Sam. When I think of the brothers, I think that whatever is going on with them can't ever get in the way of their brotherhood. Like the bond, no matter how damaged, is so impenetrable that nothing can get passed it. Not even Sam having no soul or Dean becoming a demon. I just hate it when they're not being brothers."

Carver didn't respond, only took another drink of his whiskey. So Dean continued.

''It's interesting. The last time I was here, you explained about their bond, and to be honest I always knew that that's what it was like for them. Them sharing a Heaven was proof enough. There are different types of soul mates in the world. It could be romantic, or between siblings or friends. In this case, it's siblings. Sam and Dean are soul mates."

Dean looked out the window. "After what's happened to me, I don't think I could ever be in a romantic relationship. Then again, I never saw me being in a relationship with anyone. I didn't see a point to it since I'm not whole. How can I be with someone if they don't have all of me?" Dean shook the thoughts away.

Carver set down his drink and sat back. "What did you think of the ending?"

Dean chuckled. "Well, it's not much of an ending. You even said it yourself, it's not finished. The closer I got to the ending, the more depressed I got. For a long time, I've been waiting for them to actually be brothers instead of partners. Reading the last thing you wrote, I figured I would have to wait awhile longer for my ending.

"The last thing you wrote was Dean walking away from Sam,'' Dean said putting the books on the coffee table in between them. "What happened after?"

Carver just stared at his unfinished books. He made himself another drink. "Why did you come all the way here?"

If his suspicions were correct, he had to avoid this topic. He got the hint that Dean had been through quite so much to get to him, and this topic wasn't going to help him.

Dean narrowed his eyes at Carver. "What happened after Dean walked away?" Dean asked a little louder. Whatever the answer was to this question was the information he needed. Whatever he was going to be told was the key to his missing piece.

"What do you want?" asked Carver. It was hard enough to have written it, he couldn't say... of all people not to him.

Dean rose to his feet. "Tell me what happened after Dean walked away from Sam!"

Carver shook his head. "Trust me, you don't want to go down this road." He rose to his feet and Dean could tell he was about to be escorted out.

Dean was getting really pissed. His body was shaking with anger. He was so close to the missing piece, and this man was standing in his way. He didn't spend the last eighteen years being incomplete to be so close only to have it ripped away from him. He needed to be whole to live.

Dean stood his ground. "I'm not leaving until you tell me. You gave these to me to read and now that I have I'm not going until you tell me what happened. Please. I don't understand why, but for as long as I can remember, I've felt like a part of me was missing. I believe with all that I am, that these books will help me.

"I know that the part that's missing is so close, but I won't be able to ever get it unless you tell me." Dean felt tears stinging his eyes. "I know you believe they're just books, but not to me. They are my only hope to being whole. I need to be whole if I want to live. If I leave without knowing the truth, I don't know how long I can last. Believing that I wasn't whole was one thing and it was hard, but knowing it is so much worse."

Carver sighed. He was afraid of this. Since writing the books, he knew that it wasn't his place to tell Dean. From what he's seen, Dean was going to have to learn on his own. He just knew that he was the one that would have to guide Dean in the right direction.

Carver turned to look him straight in the eye. He nodded. "You're not going to like it. Unfortunately, unlike the rest of my books, this one isn't going to have a happy ending."

Dean nodded. They sat, and Dean listened as Carver told him a sad truth.

* * *

It took Carver about an hour to explain the ending to the story. He may be the author of the books, but even he had a hard time getting the right words out. He had come to think of the brothers as real people, so it was even harder to explain what happened.

"Why would he do that?" asked Dean. He couldn't stop shaking since Carver told him what Sam did. "Does Sam really have that low of an opinion of himself? How can he think so little of himself?"

How could Sam do that? Doesn't he know that he needed to be born? He had a purpose, and he threw it all away. Changing the past like that only has terrible outcomes. He couldn't imagine how the past would end up with making a deal like that. How would Dean grow up? How would their parents? How would the world?

"You know Sam just as well as I do. Sam thought he was doing the right thing for Dean. Winchesters are always willing to sacrifice themselves if they believe it would be doing the world a favor. Even more so if it's for each other."

"That's ridiculous! Yeah, those reasons he gave may be correct, but it doesn't mean it's for the best. What happened was supposed to happen. I'm sorry that it did, but life could've ended up a lot worse if Sam wasn't born. Sam has a purpose. He has a soul mate. Without one the other will never be complete."

Dean never gave much thought to the concept of soul mates before. When he did think about it, he believed that everyone had another half. Each person had a life partner that would make them feel like their whole life they've been waiting for that one person. As he read the _Supernatural_ books, he knew that Sam and Dean belonged with each other. They didn't have to have a wife or kids to be happy, they just needed each other.

Dean rubbed his forehead in frustration. He sighed. He was so tired and just wanted to give into sleep. "Where is Sam and Dean now?"

And there it was. The million dollar question. Where were the brothers right now?

Carver leaned forward. "It's a little complicated. When I described it, it was like they're in between each of the planes. It's dark, cold and so lonely. When Sam made the deal for everything to return to the beginning, the demon gave it to him. What they didn't understand was that because Sam and Dean are soul mates, they had to go together. In my opinion, this place wasn't meant for someone who has a soul mate."

* * *

"What is this plane? Why is it dark?" The more they talked, the more it piqued their interest. Carver loved this part about the brother's story. He may have kept his identity secret, but he did enjoy having someone to talk to about all this. It was no fun to keep all this to himself.

"The plane they're in is for those to watch what life would be like if they weren't in it. Time has rewound a couple of times, but the Winchesters' lives are always the same. They are too important for their lives to be any different than what it's meant to be.''

Dean shook his head. "No, that doesn't make any sense. If that's true, then why was this time different?" Why did the Winchesters' lives have to be so fucking complicated? It would so much easier if wasn't.

"Because Sam purposely made it so. He purposely had their lives be different than what it was supposed to be. It's not just that changing, the plane itself changed as well." Before Dean could ask, Carver continued, "When Sam made the deal and Dean had to follow, a wall was created. It was to make sure Sam never knew what was on the other side. As for Dean, he was to be confined in the cage until Dean died."

* * *

"What is Dean? If the deal was for time to start over without Sam, then that means that Dean would've grown up without him, right?" Carver nodded. "So, how can Dean grow up with his parents if he's in the same plane with Sam?"

Carver looked around trying to find the right words. "It all comes back to the brothers being soul mates. Because the demon had to keep up her end, Dean's body went back in time while his soul went with Sam."

"Okay, you're losing me. If Dean's soul is with Sam, then the Dean that started over doesn't have a soul. How can it be expected that Dean live life if his soul is in some other plane locked in a cage?"

Carver shook his head. "Think of Dean's soul having three major parts. His soul is divided in half. The half that is with Sam is the one that carries Dean's burdens. It took all the of the memories and emotions so the half that started over could start fresh. The half that went back to the beginning was able to begin anew, but it isn't complete without the other two parts."

Dean didn't like where this was going. He could relate to the half that didn't feel complete. He had a suspicion ever since he put Constance's spirit to rest. The more he heard Carver talk, the more that suspicion was only being confirmed. No, he couldn't dwell on that yet. He would rather think about it when he went back to his motel room. Where he could be alone.

"And the third part of his soul?"

"That's the core. The core is the soul's mate. Since not everyone has a soul mate, not everyone has a core. A person who has a soul mate can survive with having both halves, but they would never be able to live without their core. They would never be able to enjoy life, or be happy without their soul mate."

"So is it like that for everyone who has a soul mate?"

"Yes. Everyone's soul, who has a soul mate, can be divided up into three parts. The first carries the emotions. Like the guilt, the burdens the person felt, the happiness, the love, the sorrow, everything. The second half carries the memories that goes with those feelings. And obviously the third is the core of the soul. In the case with Dean, the half that's locked in the cage took both halves so the second could start on its own. So, just imagine the half that's locked away has no one but its memories and emotions. Can be really exhausting to have no distractions from that."

Dean frowned. It can be tiring to have no one but your own thought to keep you company. He looked back at Carver. "The cage... what is it?"

"The way I wanted it to go was the cage is what keeps Dean from being able to communicate with Sam. It keeps the deal intact, but not completely due to the fact that they're soul mates."

"Can it be broken?" He didn't know why he asked that, but he just felt he had to.

Carver had to think for a moment. "Well, I never thought of it breaking, but yeah I guess it could. For the Dean that's in the cage, yeah he could break it, but only if the reason to break it wasn't selfish. Like if he only wanted to get out to see Sam, then it would never be broken."

"So, then all he had to do was think of a reason to get out that wasn't for his own personal gain. He would then not have to go back there.''

"That's not how the cage works. It was created to confine a living soul. Since Dean is the only soul there, it will always pull him back in."

"What about the wall?" Dean had no idea if any of this information was going to be useful, but his missing piece aside, he really did find all this information very interesting. He had to give the guy credit for creativity.

"Think of the wall like a giant glass window. The window could be broken if the purpose for it is no longer valid. For example, if the part of Dean that went back in time suddenly remembers what he wasn't supposed to, then the window would crack. If Sam were to find out what was on the other side, the glass would crack. Or if Sam were to find out about the Dean that's there. Whether or not it shatters completely, it all depends on the other half of Dean that went back in time."

Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. "How?"

"If the two halves of Dean were to come together, the glass would shatter completely, because the whole point of it was to keep Dean from ever knowing about the life he lived so he could live a different one." Carver could see that Dean still wasn't understanding.

"The half of Dean that stayed with Sam has its old memories and emotions. The half that started over had a clean slate to be able to live its own life. Now that its living a new life, it now has its own memories and emotions."

* * *

"What happened to Dean when Sam and the demon went into the light?"

"Well, time was rewinding. Dean's soul was fighting against it because it needed to be with Sam. Because it couldn't fight against the deal, the soul split. The half that went with Sam was automatically informed what happened. He was informed what Sam did and why he did it."

"What has Sam been doing all this time?" asked Dean miserably.

"Don't think Sam has had the easiest time. Having to watch his brother go through a life that he wasn't ever supposed to live must be hard. Watching you grow up the way you did with what you've gone through has to be hard knowing it was because of him that it even happened. Sam has a habit of blaming himself for everything that goes wrong, and this must to be the worst yet. They both had their own hardships. You have to understand, Dean may have taken the physical blows, but he took all the emotional."

Dean's head shot up. "How dare you say that? You don't know how Dean grew up. He could've been hurt or abused or bullied. Does that not mean that Dean didn't get any emotional blows?"

"You're right, but that's not what I meant. Let me put it a different way, because I really don't want you to put all the blame on Sam for doing something he really thought was the right thing. Sam is being punished on an emotional level because of what he did. If the half of Dean that was reborn was put through pain and abuse, then he has to watch it happen and know that it was because of him that happened.

"Sam has to live with the knowledge that it was basically his fault that whatever bad thing that Dean went through happened. So don't think that Sam is living the easy life or a life at all. What I meant about Dean not taking any emotional blows was that Dean couldn't take it like Sam, because how could he? How could he feel the emotional pain like Sam if he doesn't even remember who Sam is? How could Dean feel the hurt that Sam feels if he doesn't even know what the hurt is? Now, I'm not saying that what Sam did was right or wrong, or that Sam is the only one that's hurting. All I'm saying is don't put all of the blame on him."

Dean stood up and had to turn away from Carver. He was a wreck on the inside from what he was just told. He needed to get away. This was too much information for one day. Without looking back at Carver Dean said, "Thank you for your help, and explaining all this to me." Making his way across the room, "I have to go."

Without another word, Dean walked out the front door.

* * *

Dean sat on the bed not knowing what to do or what to think. He had a feeling Carver had stopped talking about Dean from the books a long time ago. At first he thought that it may have been a coincidence, but after hearing what he did he knew for sure.

He was the half of Dean that went back in time. What was he supposed to do with this information? If it was true, could he really put all of the blame on Sam? Would that be right? Would it be fair if Dean was angry?

Dean looked up to the ceiling, lip trembling, and hoped that he was listening as he called out, "Sam?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you all understand? If not let me know, and I'll try to explain better. Until next time. -Kauri510


	10. Chapter 10

Sam was out there watching him. He's been watching him the whole time. Dean didn't know how to feel about that. Should he be angry or happy? All this time Dean thought he was alone, but Sam has been watching him. He gasped.

If Sam had been watching him all this time, then he knows what John did! He knows about what happened at the bar. He began to cry. A man who he came to admire knows about the worst times of his life. How embarrassing.

He felt a pain in his chest. He couldn't breathe. What was happening? He felt to his knees gasping for breath. Was this a panic attack? Was it a heart attack? Was he dying? Because it sure felt like it. He felt tears falling down his face. He didn't want to die knowing that Sam was watching him. He couldn't let Sam see something like that.

The more he thought about Sam, the more the pain in his chest increased. Even though he knew that he was the same Dean from the books, he felt like a total stranger. He figured it had have something to do with the deal Sam made. He felt angry with Sam for what he did, but he didn't blame him either. Sam was just trying to do what was best for him, even if it wasn't.

As Dean tried to get air into his lungs, Dean thought about the bond that Dean and Sam had from the books. When he read about their relationship, he knew that without a doubt that they were soul mates. It was only obvious.

That's when his eyes widened in shock and realization. He was Dean Winchester, and he had a soul mate. That soul mate was his brother Sam. The very same Sam that had been watching him all these years. No wonder he hadn't been whole. If Carver was right about his soul splitting in three parts, then Sam was his core. Because of this damn deal, he will never be whole.

The pain in his chest faded slowly, and he was able to breathe. All this time, what he has been looking for was someone who was never born. Someone who has been outside of time. Sam was his missing piece, and as long as this deal was intact neither him nor Sam will ever be complete...

* * *

Dean felt drained and hurt and sad. For the rest of the day, Dean had tried over and over to remember anything. He tried to put some memories to the books he's read, but it was to no avail. Dean couldn't remember Sam, or his life with him.

How tragic for him to have no memory of his brother who was supposed to be his soul mate. This would have to be the worst pain he's ever felt. To know he has a soul mate who he will never remember. The pain was worse than being raped by total strangers and even worse than being raped by John.

The pain from the rape will fade, and he will learn to live with what happened and move on. It could make him stronger. He could even find the courage to go to the police. He could find a nice woman to marry and have a family of his own.

But this pain... knowing the truth, he knew that this pain will never go away. This pain will forever be with him, because the one that could make it stop doesn't exist. Whatever was left of his soul called out to its core, but because of the deal the core and soul will never be together. He couldn't imagine how much pain Sam was in since he always knew the truth.

* * *

Eventually sleep pulled Dean under. He fought it because he wanted to try and remember, but he couldn't fight forever. He was tired and soon gave up the fight.

_Dean was back in the same darkness, but it felt different this time. Although it was still dark, it also felt lighter. He didn't feel cold or alone. He didn't know if it was because he knew he wasn't, or because he knew the truth._

_Dean turned around and saw the light that he knew was from the cage. He looked around where he felt was the wall, but he didn't go there. As much as he wanted to see Sam, he knew he had to speak with Other Dean first._

_Walking up to the cage, Other Dean was now in a different position. He was sitting up against the back bars. Even Other Dean felt different. Was it because he could now see Other Dean's face, or was it because of the atmosphere surrounding him? He didn't know._

_Dean didn't say anything at first. He just squatted and stared at Other Dean. They looked exactly alike, except that Other Dean was obviously older and more broken. He figured hunting did that to a person._

_How sad. One of the two most important heroes is the most broken. How sad it is that the man gave up having a life to save a world that had no idea who he was. How sad that he fought everyday of his life to saving people... hunting things... and never asked for a thank you. Never asking for a thing in return, for doing the most dangerous job in the world... how tragic._

_"You just going to stare at me until you wake up, or are you going to say something?" Other Dean asked not meeting his eyes._

_"You said you could help me... how?" Dean asked carefully. He believed that whatever help Other Dean was going to give him, that it wasn't going to be easy._

_"You won't want it,'' Other Dean said reminding him of what he had said awhile back._

_Dean nodded his head in agreement. "I know, but I need it."_

_Other Dean finally met his gaze, and Dean had to fight back from cringing at the pain he saw in Other Dean's eyes._

_"Have you learned the truth?" Other Dean asked slowly standing up._

_Dean stood as well. He had to look up slightly to meet his eyes. "Yes. I know the truth."_

_Other Dean reached from the bar slowly. Dean had to take a step back not knowing what would happen. Even though they were same person, they were two different people._

_Other Dean saw the slight fear in his eyes, but didn't bring his hand back in. "Take my hand, and I'll show you a life that you will regret ever remembering."_

* * *

_Dean didn't know what to do. He remembered that Carver said that the two halves of Dean's soul could come together, and it would destroy the wall. The Dean that stood in front of him reaching out, held all the memories and emotions that he took from Dean's half. Would it be wise to remember a life full of pain and loss?_

_He turned to look at the spot he knew the wall was and frowned. On the other side to that wall trapped his soul mate and brother. If he remembered correctly, Carver said that Sam would have to stay there until Dean died, and they would go to Heaven together. Would it be fair to keep Sam there if he could change that?_

_Dean looked back at Other Dean then to his hand. Dean reached out to take his hand when he froze at the laughing he heard behind him. Both Deans turned to look off in the distance and saw to Dean's horror that is was everyone that had raped him._

_Dean stood there frozen in place. "Why do they keep coming here?"_

_Other Dean could hear the terror in his younger self's voice. "Every time you come here you bring your fears with you."_

_Dean watched as everyone who hurt him made their way to him. "I don't understand."_

_"You're asleep when you come here, and when you do your nightmares will always follow.''_

_The men and woman were getting so much closer, and Dean didn't move. He may have fought back the last time, but now that everyone was here he didn't know if he could._

_"Dean, you have to take my hand. If you don't want them to hurt you you have to take my hand now." Other Dean's words went in one ear and out the other._

_Everyone who raped Dean were now standing in front of him and they all looked very pleased to see him. Kevin an Matt grabbed Dean by his wrist and threw him far enough away from the cage. Dean landed on his stomach and groaned from the pain. Other Dean watched as the two men pinned him down and ripped his pants off. Dean's fear was keeping him from getting away or fighting back._

_"No! Get away from him!" Other Dean yelled trying to break the bars. "Dean you have to fight back. I know you don't remember what you can do, but you have to fight back. Don't let them keep hurting you."_

_Dean's eyes were getting blurry from his tears. He was hearing what Other Dean was saying, but it was hard when he was surrounded by people who have hurt him in so many ways._

_Dean felt someone's cock touch his hole. He jerked away, but the man's hands held him in place. He cried out when he felt the man's cock being shoved inside his tight hole. Whoever was behind him pulled all the way out, and then shoved even harder back in. Soon the man picked up a rhythm and it was brutal._

_"Please help me," Dean begged Other Dean through his tears. He moaned which caused his rapists to laugh._

_"You have to take my hand,'' Other Dean said sticking his hand out as far as he could. Dean reached out as much as he could, but he was too far._

_Eventually the first man was finished with him and pulled out. Dean felt weak, but he crawled closer to the cage. Whatever he was going to regret remembering had to be better than this. Before he got close to Other Dean, another man pinned him to the ground._

_The same thing happened like the first, and he watched as Other Dean tried very hard to break the bars. He remembered what Carver said. Even though the bars could be broken if the intent wasn't selfish, they were still bars and it would take time. Time neither Dean had._

_"Dean take my hand!" Other Dean tried to push even further out to Dean, but they were still not close enough._

_When the second man was finished with him, Dean couldn't move. His ass was on fire and his body ached. If this was all a dream, then why did it feel so real? Were his nightmares that strong? Or was he that weak?_

_"Come on, Dean!" Other Dean yelled. "Just a little more, please."_

_Dean had to practically drag himself, and just when he was close enough he felt a body on top of him. He could feel the man's breath against his neck._

_"I know you like it son,'' John whispered. "Whores like you love big cocks."_

_Dean flinched. There was that word again. He felt John's cock going inside his ass. "Please, no.''_

_John licked Dean's neck, and began sucking on it. Dean turned away in disgust. He tried again to reach out to Other Dean. "You say no,'' John pulled out and slammed back inside hitting Dean's prostate which caused him to moan in pleasure, ''but your body says yes.''_

_It went on like that for some time. Dean would moan in pleasure at how good it felt, but he would also cry from the shame and betrayal he felt. John's pace would never once slow down._

_"Stop!" Dean screamed out. He shoved John off and quickly crawled the rest of the distance to Other Dean's hand._

_As soon as both Deans' hands connected there was only silence. The laughing and taunting from his rapists were no longer heard. The sound of his heart beat wasn't heard. His heavy breathing was no longer heard. Absolute silence._

_Dean's body shook like crazy, and felt like he was on fire, but he never let go of Other Dean's hands. Dean felt like his body was being pulled to something familiar. He struggled to look up at Other Dean and saw that he was reacting in the same way._

_Out of nowhere Dean saw Other Dean's body begin to glow a bright blue color. It was almost like an electric blue aura. It was beautiful. He looked down and saw that he was glowing as well. The glow around Other Dean was covering his whole body, and soon Dean couldn't even see his face. Then whatever the glow was was disappearing inside Dean's body._

_When Other Dean and the glow was gone, that was when all hell broke loose. The fire Dean felt increased to the point where it was excruciating. Tears fell down his face, and he fell to his knees clutching his head. His vision burned, so he shut his eyes trying to ease the burn; it didn't._

_The silence that filled the room was gone the moment the pain was so bad that Dean opened his mouth and a horrific scream was let loose. Dean's scream was so loud that his rapists had to cover their ears shimmering away._

_Dean didn't know what was going on. When he began to see flashes he knew something was happening._

* * *

"What the hell are you doing here?" Sam asked his brother who he hadn't seen in a couple of years.

Dean stared straight in his brother's eyes and said, "Dad's on a hunting trip, and he hasn't been in home in few days."

_Dean wanted to bang his head on the ground just so the pain will stop._

"What were you thinking shooting Casper in the face you freak?" Sam asked touching his injured chest.

"Saved your ass."

_Dean screamed out even more. He felt as if his brain was going to melt from the firey pain._

"Why did you let me fall asleep?"

"Because I'm an awesome brother. So, what did you dream about?"

"Lollipops and candy canes."

_Dean cried so much. He didn't know if it was from the pain he felt was only getting worse or from what he was seeing._

"No, it's our dad!" Dean yelled at the nurse. There was no way they were just going to leave when their dad wasn't breathing.

"Stop compressions.''

"No pulse."

"I'll call it. Time of death: 10:41 am."

* * *

_Dean screamed even harder remembering when he saw his dad lay there dead in the hospital. He remembered how devastating it was to see the man he looked up to dead. He didn't think that it was ever possible._

_Dean thought he was going to lose his voice from all the screaming, but he still manage to scream. He just wanted the pain to go away, and now he knew why Other Dean said he was going to regret ever remembering._

"Shut your mouth bitch.''

"If you could just see your daddy now...''

_Dean grabbed his hair still screaming. Why won't this end? When will it be over?! He doesn't care about remembering, he just wants the pain to go away. The imaginary fire was still burning him, and he fell forward. He didn't know how long he could go on._

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"You weren't thinking about making that deal, right?" Sam didn't know what he would do if Dean had gone ahead and made that deal. He missed his dad, but he would miss Dean even more.

Dean turned on the radio not answering. Sam flinched away.

_Even though Dean didn't see the flinch, he knew Sam did. Knowing that Sam was scared that Dean was thinking of his brother making a deal made him feel guilty. Yeah, he wanted his dad back, but he was ashamed to say that he wasn't thinking of what it would do to Sam. Seeing that flinch caused him to cry even harder._

"I needed to think that there was something else watching too. And maybe..."

Dean looked at Sam when he didn't continue.

"Maybe what?" he asked softly.

Sam smiled with tears in his eyes. "Maybe I can be saved."

* * *

"Hey, look at me. It's not even that bad. It's not even that bad, all right? Sammy? Sam! Hey, listen to me. We're gonna patch you up, okay? You'll be good as new. Huh? I'm gonna take care of you. I've got you. That's my job, right? Watch out for my pain in the ass little brother? Sam? Sam! Sammy!"

Sam's eyes closed and his body went limp.

"No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, God. Oh, God." With tears falling down his face, Dean rocks his brother as Sam dies.

"SAM!"

_The pain intensified when he remembered Sam dying in his arms. He knew he was hurt when his dad died, and it was painful to see him in the hospital. But there was no comparison to what he felt when Sam died. Having Sam die in his arms was the worst day of his life. He felt his whole world crumble because it honestly did._

_The pain from losing Sam was so much worse than the pain he felt now. He would rather feel this pain right now, than the pain he felt when Sam died. A part of him died when Sam did. Now knowing about the soul, he knew it was his core that died._

_The more memories that he remembered, the more he realized that the pain lessened when the memory was good in some way, and it worsened when it wasn't. It was different when Dean remembered something that he found special. In fact, the 'chick flick moments' he and Sam shared there was no pain. He just felt warm._

_The pain got worse when the time came to remember Hell. Remembering Hell was the worst, because he felt every slice, cut, burn and tear. He remembered it all. The burn and pain increased when he remembered what he did to the souls in Hell. It was terrible to have to remember what he did to every soul that came before him._

"It's like I had one job,'' Dean said to a dead Sam. "I had one job and I screwed it up. I'm so sorry Sam."

_Dean will never regret making that deal to bring back Sam. Given the opportunity to go back and let him go, he wouldn't change a damn thing; not even to avoid going to Hell._

"How could you make that deal, Dean?"

"Because I couldn't live with you dead."

_Dean didn't know how long he had been laying there on the ground writhing in pain. He didn't know if this is what Other Dean was planning, but he was starting to hate the guy. He thought he would've woken up by now since his dreams never last this long. Maybe it wasn't, and it just felt it._

"Don't you dare think that there is anything past or present that I would put in front of you. It has never been like that. I need you to see that. I'm begging you."

_Sam was right. He did save Sam's life over and over, and Dean wouldn't have it any other way. He was the big brother, and it was his job to always watch out for Sam. He didn't know how to not be there for Sam. Although Dean saved Sam's life, Sam saved him just as much. Regardless if Sam's death would solve the world plenty of issues, they would never solve Dean's. Maybe he was selfish for that... and maybe he didn't care._

"You know what I think? I think it should be you up there."

_Remembering saying those words to the one person he cared about most on the planet increased the pain. He thought remembering Hell was torture, he was wrong. This one thing he said to his brother felt so much worse. He didn't know how he did it, but he managed to sit up._

_He screamed out so loud that he felt the floor shaking. Remembering that one thing he told Sam burned his body so bad. It was so brutal and agonizing. The flashes showed him walking away from Sam. It showed the devastating look on Sam's face as he watched him drive away. That one look from Sam cut deep._

_The flashes froze at that look on his brother's face. It was aching to look at, and to have it freeze frame was heartbreaking. He picked up his head and screamed out. The louder Dean screamed picturing Sam's face the more the place shook._

"I'll never forget how much you mean to me."

_Why didn't he immediately know what was wrong? Why couldn't he tell that Sam was doing something he shouldn't? He should've known right away that something was wrong with his brother._

"Sam?" He had called out to his brother.

"I'll be waiting for you big brother," Sam said back waving at him, "but make sure it won't be for a long time."

"NO!" He ran to his brother watching him fade away. He fell to his knees when Sam disappeared. "Sam, please come back.''

Castiel held him and cried for a friend that was too good for his own good.

"I'm so sorry, Dean." Castiel whispered to him.

* * *

_Feeling his soul being ripped apart was worse than being ripped apart by Hellhounds. It was so awful for his soul to fight to be with its mate. He remembered being in the cage immediately knowing what Sam did._

_He remembered wishing that he was on the other side with Sam. He remembered for the last eighteen years he tried to break the bars. He needed to get out to be with Sam. He banged and pulled and pushed against the bars but they would never break._

_Dean remembered knowing what his other half was going through on the outside. He felt so sorry for him that he had to have horrible parents. He remembered the first time his other half showed up. Seeing him get raped by the man he was supposed to call dad was what drew Dean away from wanting to see Sam to wanting to help his other half._

_Dean remembered wanting so bad to help him when he came back, but he knew it wouldn't do anything. His other half had to know who he was and who he was himself to help him. Dean didn't know why he kissed his other half, but felt that it was the only love he could give him during such a terrible act. He felt that his other half needed to know what a real kiss felt like. He wanted to erase the kiss John gave him._

_He remembered being pulled back inside the cage. He remembered feeling broken and defeated having to be back in the cage after getting out. When his other half had reached out to his hand, he didn't feel any pain that he thought his other half would be feeling. In fact, he felt relief. He felt almost complete._

_Dean managed to open his eyes, and despite the burning feeling he looked around to where he knew the wall was located. Even though it was dark, he could feel rather than see Sam against the wall looking in. He could feel Sam's guilt and pain and regret. He didn't want him to feel that way, because Sam tried to do a good thing._

_What was the last straw was feeling Sam trying to break the wall to get to him. The fire managed to get worse than what it was, and with one last painful scream, he felt the cage blow up to pieces. But it didn't stop there. With the cage finally broken, Dean's scream was even more horrific because he wanted to apologize to Sam for what he said._

Watching Sam disappear in the light was the worst, because he feared that he would never see him again. And not seeing Sam ever again wasn't right.

_Seeing Sam disappear caused one final scream from Dean that was even more loud that the glass shattered completely. The moment it did, the burning pain lessened and Dean collapsed from exhaustion. Dean breathed erratically as if he ran a marathon._

_"Dean?" He opened his eyes and saw the most wonderful sight._

_He smiled like he was a kid in a candy store. "Sammy.'' His throat felt raw from the constant screaming. He brought his hand up and gently touched Sam's cheek. A tear fell down Sam's face. He felt a familiar sensation and knew he was beginning to fade. Dean wiped a tear away with his thumb, "I've missed you.''_

_"I'm so sorry,'' Sam whispered. Sam saw that Dean was disappearing. "Dean, don't leave me.'' Sam said through his tears. He sounded so much younger than he was._

_Dean could feel his body waking up. "Sam, I-" As Dean was waking up, he could hear crying in the back of his mind._

* * *

Dean opened his eyes and he tried to sit up. He whimpered from the pain in his back. Regardless if he slept through the night, he still felt tired. He sat up and cracked his back, sighing when it felt good.

Dean rose to his feet and was about to go take a shower since he wanted to see Chuck one more time before he hit the road. He needed to figure out what he was going to do now. That was when he heard pounding at his door. He frowned.

Opening the door, the woman who he recognized as the manager, stood before him and she did not look happy.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Winchester, you need to either check out or pay for another night."

Dean furrowed his brow, "What are you talking about? I have another two days."

She shook her head, "No. That was up this morning." She crossed her arms narrowing her eyes at him.

Dean checked his watch. His eyes widened at the time. It almost noon. He never slept in that late. He was usually up no later than eight.

"Okay, hold on. I'll pay for another night." He closed the door and came back with enough for the night. He closed the door on her and went to sit back down. He went to sleep with two days left to stay here, but she said it was up this morning. He looked back at the bed. There's no way he's been asleep for two days.

He tried to think back, and remembered that he was with Chuck at his house. They were talking about him and Sam being locked away for the last eighteen years. He remembered when he went to sleep he saw that he destroyed the cage and the glass. No way did that take two days. He shook his head. His head froze in shock at what he just thought.

Sam! He remembered Sam and the cage. He also remembered his old life. Sam made a deal to reverse time so he wasn't born. He remembered that Carver was actually Chuck. He remembered dreaming of being raped and Other Dean. He remembered Other Dean trying to help him.

Dean's train of thought stopped. He wasn't going to think about this right now. He stood up and went to take a shower. If it really has been two days, he hasn't taken a shower yet. Maybe he'll calm down from the anger he knew was slowly building.

He was wrong. Coming out he didn't feel better. He felt even more angry. Dean put on his shoes and jacket. His body was trembling with anger. He shut his eyes breathing in deeply. He needed to get his anger under control. He didn't have the Mark anymore, so there was no excuse not to able to control it.

Dean looked up to the ceiling. He didn't know if Sam was watching; he just calmly but angrily spoke, "I hate you so much Sam,'' with a single tear sliding down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, Dean has regained all of his memories. Now after what he just said, just imagine the next chapter. Anyway we're almost done. I really hope you guys are enjoying the story. Until next time. -Kauri510


	11. Chapter 11

Dean looked down at his shaking hands. His breathing was becoming very erratic. Now that he remembered his old life, he was so far from just being angry. He tried so hard to calm himself down, but it wasn't working. Dean hadn't felt so angry since he went and killed all the Stynes.

It was a good thing Dean had gotten a room at the end, because of what he was about to do. Dean walked up to the nightstand and grabbed the lamp. Not needing so much strength, he threw it against the wall; the light bulb shattering.

"How could you do this Sam?!" Dean yelled out knowing full well that Sam was listening. "How could you be so stupid?"

Dean grabbed the drawers from the nightstand and with force he swung it hard against the wall closest to him. It didn't break completely at first, so he swung it again letting the broken pieces falling to the floor.

"I don't understand how you thought for one second that I would want something like this to happen."

Dean rubbed his face in frustration taking deep breaths. He needed to calm down. Dean walked to the bathroom needing to wash his face. He splashed water on his face, and shut his eyes. _Calm down, Dean, calm down. You don't have the Mark anymore. Control your anger._

He opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was his reflection. His anger spiked up quickly. He was not supposed to be looking like this! Dean closed his fist and smashed it through the mirror. This was not his face. This face belonged to a broken weak eighteen year old kid. He was Dean fucking Winchester!

Dean walked back out, and he looked at the ceiling knowing exactly where to look so he was looking in Sam's eyes.

"I had _you_! I didn't need Mary. I didn't need John. You were enough." Dean grabbed hold of the TV and threw it to the ground. He kicked it repeatedly over and over. "You were always enough!"

He took down the pictures that the motel hung up on the walls. He threw one against the far wall breaking the frame. He didn't bother wiping away his tears. This whole trip he's been weak and crying like a baby; what was the point in wiping them away now?

* * *

"Don't you understand that for the passed eighteen years I was lost without you?" Dean yelled out. He tore the blankets off his bed. He grabbed the pillows and ripped them apart. He picked up the thin mattress and flung it as hard as he could against the wall.

"We're soul mates Sam. You even told me that. What am I supposed to do without you? Haven't what we've gone through showed you anything? I can't live without you!" Dean threw the chair against the wall. The legs broke on impact.

Dean was well aware that he was throwing a tantrum, but right now after all he's been through he didn't care. Right now, in this body's mind, he didn't have the walls he had spent years building up. Right now, he was just an angry eighteen year old with the mind and soul of a thirty seven year old man.

"Never being born is the fucking dumbest thing you've ever done! And you drank demon blood. You chose a demon bitch over me, your brother. You broke the last seal even when I begged you not to trust her. You let me turn into a vampire. You were a soulless dick. You didn't look for me when I went to Purgatory."

There was so much anger and adrenaline running through Dean's body, that out of nowhere he punched through the wall. He was so angry that he didn't care that he might've broken his hand. He didn't care that his hand was bleeding. He just plain didn't care.

* * *

"I would go through our entire life over and over again... I would let everything happen exactly the way it did no matter what... if it meant that you were still here with me."

Dean looked around the room for anything else he could break. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything. He broke everything. He looked up to the ceiling... to Sam. With as much hurt as he was feeling, he wasn't done. Oh no, he wasn't done with Sam at all.

"It's supposed to be you and me against the world, right Sam?! Right? So where the fuck are you? You're so fucking selfish Sam!" Dean yelled through his tears. He was crying at this point. "I didn't mean what I said. You're supposed to know me better than anyone in the whole world, right? You said so yourself. So, how could you think I meant what I said?

"I would rather die a million times than to see you take Charlie's place. We would have found a way to get rid of the Mark. You're the smart one; you would have found a way. SAM!" He yelled out, his voice cracking.

"Are you listening to me? Am I just talking to myself here? Are you just going to sit on your ass out there watching?" Dean fell to his knees. His anger was fading to be replaced with depression and loneliness.

"Living a life with mom and dad and everyone else is not a life worth living unless your living that life with me. I'm nothing without you!" Dean looked up once more wanting so desperately to see Sam. He knew if he wanted to see Sam all he would have to do was fall asleep, but he was too hurt to do it. It would only hurt him more to see Sam and know that he wouldn't be able to come back with him.

"You wanted to see a world without you in it, right? You thought I would be happy, right?" He looked around the room, "Well, do you see me happy? Do you see me and mom and dad being best friends? Well, we're not!"

Dean rose to his feet once again feeling anger. "I'm not happy Sam! I lost my best friend the moment you made that deal. Don't you know by now that given the choice between you and mom and dad, that I will always choose you? I thought you would remember that after what happened with the Djinn. Mom was alive and well. I had a beautiful wife. You had Jessica about to get married. Perfect wasn't it?" He asked with a fake smile.

"NO! You and I weren't the brothers we grew up to be. I need you... I want you. You're my son, my best friend, my brother, my soul mate. How could you ever think that I would choose mom and dad over you?" He looked at his stuff and tore it apart. He threw out all his things not caring in the slightest that the books in there were special to him.

* * *

"I died for you, Sammy. I went to Hell for you. I don't want this life. I don't have friends, no confidence, low self esteem." He laughed with no humor, "I'm terrible with girls. Me. Dean Winchester has no game whatsoever, but it doesn't matter. Even if none of that were true... Even if I had the best life here, I would still give it up for you.

"I mean come on. John fucking raped me, Mary doesn't give a shit about me. I was gang raped." His attention was turned to one of the books from his life laying on the floor. He picked it up. _No Rest for the Wicked._

"This?" he said holding the book up for Sam to see. "This is who I am. All the shit we went through, I would go through again if it meant I would have you. You're supposed to be here with me. So, fuck you Sam!" Dean screamed throwing the book to the other side of the room.

''Where was my choice, huh? What happened to Team Free Will? You took away my will when you thought I would want this. Did you not think about the consequences before you made the deal?

"All of the people that dad saved, that we saved from the moment that mom died were not saved. We were supposed to save them, but since you were never born they all died. More people might've died because we weren't there to kill the monster. You chose to give up yourself for me, but because we weren't there to save the people, you've single handily killed them and the people that we're supposed to save in the future."

Dean slumped to the ground looking and feeling miserable. He may not have known they were truly soul mates in their old life, but now that he knows it still doesn't matter. Them being soul mates doesn't mean that he didn't always feel this way. Being soul mates just made everything make sense.

"I lost my way ever since we had the Mark. I chose to take on a burden so we had a better chance to killing Abbadon. Day after day I was slowly losing myself, but it didn't matter. I didn't have to worry about killing innocent people, or becoming a monster because I had you watching my back.

"When I became a demon, I felt free of the burdens to being human. It was so much easier to give into being a demon. It was easy not to have to worry about pain and fear, because demons didn't have to worry about that. I almost killed you with a hammer because you didn't want to kill me. Not even me being a demon can get in our way."

Dean cried and cried letting the tears fall down. It was the only way he could show Sam that he was being sincere with his words. That his words were true. It was also because now that Dean was in a different life, he was tired of having to always be brave. The tears that he had been shedding since he started on this trip made him feel free.

"Ever since I was born into this life I felt incomplete. I didn't want to live anymore because how could I when an important piece of me was gone? Being abused by John from the moment I turned ten was hard. It was hard living with John and Mary because I didn't feel any connection to them. Now that I remember everything, I know now it's because they were never my parents. My real mom died when I was four. My dad died so I could live."

Dean didn't know if Sam was watching this. Now that the glass wall was broken, Sam could be searching the place. He was always a curious fucker. He prayed that he was watching, because he didn't know when the next time he would ever open up like this.

"I understand why you did what you did, but I don't want to have to live without you. I never wanted to know what life would've been like if I didn't have you. Us not getting along was bad enough. You being my brother was the best thing to ever happen to me. Because of you I'm strong. Because of you I know what it means to have family. Because of you I even know what that word means. Because of you I know how to put someone before myself. I know how to love and have someone love me. I know what it's like to have someone I can trust and count on to have my back. Because of you, I'm alive today. Because of you, I'll never choose anything else."

He rose to his feet and wiped away his tears. He shook his head.

"I don't choose this." Dean grabbed his keys to his baby, and made his way to the door. He looked back to the ceiling, "You better hope I don't find a way to fix this, because when I do... and I am... I'm kicking your ass." Dean slammed the door, got in his car and sped off down the street.

He was going to fix this. By any means necessary... he was going to have his brother back.

* * *

Now that Dean remembered everything about his life, he knew several ways that he could fix this. Obviously a deal was out because that's what got them into this mess to begin with. He could try a spell, but it would have to be powerful enough to override a demon deal. He could try calling Bobby, but the Bobby now didn't know as much as his did. Maybe he could call Pamela. She was a great psychic, so she might be able to help. No, it wasn't right to get her involved when he and Sam did get her killed. Awkward.

Dean pondered over his choices, and he kept coming back to same one. There was nothing stronger than a demon deal than what he came back to every time. If the deal wiped his memories, then maybe it did it to him to. How the hell was he going to get him to listen? More importantly, how the hell was he going to be of help without his memories?

He would have to find a way to get a spell for memory loss. Hopefully it would work, and if it didn't... well he could always use the power of persuasion.

* * *

It had been two whole days, but Dean had everything he needed. He hesitated with his last ingredient. It was hard to get the spell from the witch, but with a gun and series of threats she caved. He took a deep breath, and prayed with all his might that this worked. He dropped it in the bowl and waited.

"Who are you?" A deep voice asked from behind him.

Dean smiled at the familiarity. He turned around and was so thrilled that he saw a man that he could practically call brother.

Dean cleared his throat, "Hey, Cas."

Castiel narrowed his eyes at the man before him. How did he know who he was? He looked around the room. How did he know how to summon him?

"Who do you think you are to call me?" Castiel demanded stepping forward to the man before him.

Dean didn't answer. Instead he struck a match and dropped it on the ground. Castiel watched the match fall and as soon as it hit the floor, it ignited. A ring around him was lit trapping him inside.

"How do you know how to do that? What do you want?"

Dean didn't answer. Instead he lifted up the paper in which he wrote the spell. He hesitated. Was this the right thing to do? He knew he would need his help, but was this right? He took a deep breath. The emptiness in his center gave him his answer. Sam gave himself up hoping that he could have a good life, and although it didn't go the way he planned... maybe this was exactly what they needed.

Maybe Sam did the right thing after all, because if his plan worked then they both would save more lives than they ever did.

Dean spoke the spell. He didn't know what to expect, but he did expect something. Once he spoke the Latin, he looked up and waited. They stared each other down, and before either could speak a word Castiel fell to his knees clutching his head. He shut his eyes in pain. Unlike Dean Castiel didn't scream, but he was obviously in pain.

A total of ten minutes went by before Castiel dropped his hands. Regardless if he was an angel, he looked tired. Dean slowly walked up to Castiel not knowing if he was his friend or an angel of the Lord.

"Cas?" Dean asked kneeling down in front of the angel. He gently put a hand on Castiel's shoulder.

Castiel looked up, and Dean knew right then and there that it was his angel. Just by the look in his eyes, he knew it was Cas.

"Dean?" Castiel looked him up and down and frowned. "Why do you look so young?"

"Sam's deal, remember?"

"So, you know about that?" Castiel wasn't angry with Sam, and he was hoping that Dean wasn't _too_ angry with him.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I know. I need your help." They got to their feet. "Actually, I need your help with several things."

"What do you need?" Now that they both remembered what happened, Castiel had no issue helping his friend. A friend that was more of a brother than his own.

"I need a spell."

Castiel narrowed his eyes, "What kind of spell?"

* * *

After Dean told Castiel his plan to fix everything he asked, "Will you help me?"

Castiel leaned against the Impala, and crossed his arms. "Let me get this straight. You want me to take you to John, so you can beat him up, take you to a bunch of men who hurt you, then try and get Sam back?"

Dean nodded his head, "Yeah that's about it."

After Dean gave a brief description on what John had been doing to him for eight years, Castiel was furious. He felt very protective over the brothers, and he hated it when anyone hurt them.

"Okay, let's go." He touched Dean's shoulder, and they flew back to Lawrence.

Dean and Castiel appeared in front of the house, but before Dean walked in he turned to Castiel. "Is he in there?"

"Yes. He's drinking in the living room, and your mother is in the kitchen."

 _Perfect_. Dean took a step back, and with all his might he kicked the door in. The door flew open bouncing off the wall. Dean stormed in. Now that he remembered what he could do, he was no longer afraid of the man. It also helped that he had an angel with him just in case.

Both Dean and Castiel were met by a shocked pair of eyes. Mary walked out from the kitchen, and stood next to John. Dean tilt his head. Why the hell was Mary here? Usually she was with the man from the hospital. He shrugged his shoulders. He didn't care. She was just a bitch with his real mother's face.

"Dean?'' Mary said. "What are you doing here? And who is that?"

"I didn't come here for you, only him. But since you're here, why pass up a chance to finally speak with you?" He turned to look at Castiel. "Make sure she doesn't leave. I need to speak with her after." Castiel only nodded.

Dean walked slowly up to John. With the hatred and anger in Dean's eyes staring at him, John actually looked afraid for once. Dean smirked. Good.

"Welcome home, son. Did you come back for more? Did you enjoy what we did so much you went and got yourself a boyfriend?" Dean and John were now face to face. "I always knew you were a faggot.''

Dean didn't say anything. He only brought his fist back and smashed it into John's face. John went down covering his bloody nose. Mary screamed in alarm. She ran to the house phone and went to dial 911, but was stopped by Castiel.

"I don't think Dean would like that very much. He needs to speak with you about your behavior once he's done with your husband. So, wait your turn." They both turned their attention to Dean beating John terribly.

Dean punched John once again, "You are a fucking bastard." Again. "How dare you abuse a child. You're a father; you're not supposed to hurt me. You were supposed to be my hero. You broke me in so many ways." Again. A few tears fell down Dean's face. "How could you rape me, and think that I wanted it?!" He heard a gasp behind him. He ignored it.

"You were just a whore wanting to be fucked,'' John managed to say. "I did you a favor." John tried to push Dean off, but Dean's anger wasn't letting up. John's time and skills as a Marine weren't enough to save him. All that drinking has made him weak.

There was that word again. Dean punched him even harder. "I've spent my entire life listening to every word you say, and you do this to me! I only ever wanted you to love me, and treat me right. I have nightmares of you raping me over and over. Do you not understand what that does to me?"

"It doesn't matter... what you say. You're not a victim in this. You wanted me to fuck you for years, I just had the decency to wait until you were eighteen. You were such a pretty fuck toy, and I'm just sorry that I waited so long. So you can hit me all you want, I'm always going to be your first. I'm always going to be on your mind." Dean brought his arm back. "Once a whore always a whore."

Dean closed his eyes, and when he opened them all he saw was red. He mustered up all his strength and slammed it down on John's face knocking him out. Dean stared down at John's bloody and beaten face. He felt no sympathy or regret for what he did.

Dean slowly rose to his feet, and turned to face the woman who gave birth to him. As he was making his way to her, he could see her trembling. She was crying, but he didn't care. She wasn't going to get off that easy just because she shed a few tears.

"A mother is supposed to protect her child from all harm. A mother is supposed to put her child before herself." Dean's voice was calm, but there was no doubt that he was angry with her. "A mother is supposed to chase away her child's fears. A mother is supposed to be God in the eyes of her child."

Castiel stood back and watched as Dean spoke to Mary. He was ashamed to see the couple that the angels have worked so hard to bring together. He looked at John on the floor, and felt nothing for the man. He didn't care if he was alive or not.

During the whole time Dean was beating John, he couldn't help but think of Sam. He didn't know where Sam was, but if he was indeed watching this then he felt so sorry for him. All Sam wanted to do was bring some form of happiness to his brother. Sadly, all he did was just the opposite. He couldn't imagine how Sam felt all these years seeing Dean grow up the way he did. If Dean's plan worked, then he knew Sam would never stop feeling guilty for this.

There was only so much pain and guilt one man could take. There was only so far that pain and guilt could push the man before he went over the edge. The only question was... how close is Sam until _he_ goes over the edge?

"I know you know what John was doing to me. You chose to ignore it, and for that how can I forgive you? You didn't care that he was hurting me, and you didn't care that he raped me. Do you know what that did to me? To know that neither of my parents care about me enough to protect me. That my mother chose to not care that her husband was beating and raping her child?"

"I'm sorry Dean. I know what I did was wrong." Mary wiped her tears away and tried to reach out to her son, but Dean stepped away. "Please, baby, I know that I should've done something, but I can't change the past. I could only try and make it up to you. I'm just really sorry."

Dean sighed and asked, "You're really sorry?"

Mary nodded her head. She looked at him with a hint of hope in her eyes. ''I'm sorry I didn't do more."

"I know you are." Dean pulled her in an embrace. They held onto each other for dear life.

"I couldn't do anything because I couldn't be around your father. I couldn't be around you knowing that you look at me like I'm a stranger. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get you to love me. You were always so far away, that no matter what you were some place else... with someone else."

Dean fought back the tears that stung his eyes. He was not going to cry. He ignored the look on the angel's face. He knew what this might look like from him, but he needed this. He already knew what Sam might be saying right now. He smiled thinking of Sam.

"For the passed eight years, all I wanted was for you to protect me and say that you're sorry for what happened. Simply saying sorry can help a lot. 'Sorry' can fix a lot of things." He held his mother closely. "For as long as I can remember, I've never once heard you say you love me."

Mary's crying halted, and her body froze.

"'Sorry' can fix a lot of things, but the thing is,'' Dean pulled away from Mary and looked her dead in the eye, "'sorry' cannot fix this. It cannot change the fact that you did nothing for me." He saw shock and fear in her eyes, and all she saw was anger and disgust. "You and I both know that you're only apologizing because I came back."

Dean turned his back on Mary, and stood in front of Castiel. Before Dean took Castiel's hand for their next destination, he spoke. "You were a great hunter, but you're a terrible mother. Anyone would be lucky not to have to call you mom, and I'm ashamed to say that I have to be the one." Dean took Castiel's hand. He looked back at Mary,

"I always wished that me and Sam would get to grow up with you. I was always protective over your memory, and I never thought I would ever have to say... that life was so much better when you were dead."

Mary's jaw dropped at hearing her son's words. Her eyes widened when both her son and the man in the trench coat disappeared.

* * *

Castiel took Dean to a bar, and they waited for a group of people to come. Castiel was proud of his friend to have stood up to his parents. He didn't want to pity or feel sorry for Dean knowing what had happened to him, but it was hard not to. It's not like Dean could expect him not to feel anything for him. It just wasn't possible.

Dean saw his targets and motioned for Castiel to wait outside for them. If Dean was in his old body then he would be able to take these men no problem, but he knew he couldn't. Even though Dean didn't have the skills he once had before all of this, there was no way he was just going to let them get away without any consequences. Right now, he was just going to have to let Castiel help.

Getting the group of dicks outside with him was easy. Once they recognized him, and got the hint that Dean wanted more, they followed him out with no hesitation. Dean felt disgust with these men but he was a hunter, and it was his job to hunt down monsters. And rapists, in his opinion, were one of the worst.

Dean made himself look willing and just before they touched him, Castiel came out of the darkness and together they beat them to the ground. Dean felt deep satisfaction when him and Castiel watched as the men groaned in pain. They may have hurt Dean, but these men were no match for a pissed off hunter and an angel.

Without looking back at the men on the ground, Castiel and Dean walked away. He turned to Dean next to him and asked, "Now what?"

"Now,'' Dean looked at Castiel and smirked, "we get Sam."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys understood that what happened in this chapter was very difficult for Dean. Even if John and Mary weren't his 'real' parents, he still found it hard to do and say what he did. Until next time. -Kauri510


	12. Chapter 12

"So, are you sure this spell is going to work?" asked Castiel.

Dean didn't answer right away. He's been asking himself that same question since he came up with this plan. He knew he had to get this right if he wanted things to go exactly the way he needed them to.

"Yeah, it's going to work,'' Dean said needing to believe what he said. He pulled onto the highway. They didn't need to drive anywhere, but the drive would help clear his head. The Impala wasn't his baby, but he still felt safe with her. "As long as you do your part, everything should go according to plan."

"Dean," Castiel sighed looking at him. "You know you don't have to do this. This isn't what Sam wanted. He gave up his life, whether he's alive or not, so you can start again."

Dean choked back his tears. He hated that he didn't have the walls he had spent his whole life building. He felt vulnerable and he hated it. He felt somewhat okay since it was only Castiel, but he still didn't like it.

"No, Cas, I have to do this. Did you know that we're soul mates?"

"Yes. I saw it on both of your souls."

"So see? How can I possibly live my life without my soul mate?" He yelled. "I'm sorry. Cas, I don't want to wait until I die and go to Heaven to see my brother. I can't just leave him there not when I can do something about it."

"I understand, but you have to understand that nothing is without consequences."

"I don't care. As long as I have you and Sam, we'll deal with the consequences when or if it comes." They didn't speak for awhile, since neither knew what to say.

"What will you do if this doesn't work?" Castiel asked breaking the silence.

Dean didn't say anything for a short while. He didn't know how to answer that. "I've been there, wherever it is, and it's lonely. I don't know how Sam's managed to do it without going crazy. I'm not going to leave him there."

"You didn't answer my question,'' Castiel stated looking out the window.

"No, I didn't.'' Dean pulled over and turned off the car. He stared out the window and sighed. "If this doesn't work... then I guess I would be going to Heaven a lot sooner than I thought I would."

Castiel's head whipped around to his friend. They both knew without a doubt that what he said was the truth and it saddened Castiel. ''Dean-"

"Find what you can about the place. We need all the information we can about it. Anything that could be of use would help us determine if the plan needs to be changed or not." When Castiel didn't go, "Please go, Cas.'' He waited until he heard a flutter of wings before he turned the car on again.

As he drove down the road he said more to himself than his brother, "I'll see you soon, Sammy. Whether this plan works or not, we'll be together." Not having anything else to say, Dean turned on the radio not bothering to fight against his tears.

* * *

Dean stopped at a motel on his way back from a diner. He wasn't up to eating, but he knew he needed to keep up his strength. He wanted to make sure he was looking his best when they meet again even though he felt like shit.

Dean ate his burger, and drank his coffee. He had to stay awake, because he couldn't risk falling asleep to see Sam. He couldn't bear to see his brother. If the wall was still up, then maybe.

"I know this isn't what you had in mind when you made this deal, but I can't live without you." 

Dean finished his food, and sat on the bed waiting for Castiel to show up. Now that Castiel had his memories back, he hoped that none of the other angels would notice anything. They couldn't afford any attention from the rest of the angels.

"In a way, I'm glad you did this. Even though my life didn't turn out like you thought it would, this might be our only chance to fix what we've done. I know what you're thinking, and it's not your fault. I don't blame you. You thought you were doing the right thing, and I can't fault you for that."

He heard the sound of wings near the door, and rose to his feet. He looked the angel up and down for any visible injuries, and when he found none he stood in front of him.

"Well, what did you find?"

"It was difficult to find any information on the place. Not many of the angels know about it, so I had to go high up the ranks to find someone that knows." Even if he was an angel, he sounded tired.

"Did you raise any suspicion? Because if we're going to do this, we can't afford the Heavenly Host stopping us." That was the last thing they needed.

"I don't think so. The angel I spoke to was fine with telling me, and there wasn't anyone else around." Castiel sat at the table the room provided.

Dean sat down at the foot of the bed in front of him. "So, what were you told?"

"The plane that the demon sent Sam to is a small ball of darkness between the universes.''

Dean tilt his head, "There are other universes?"

"Yes. Remember Balthazar sent you to the universe where you and Sam are actors?"

Dean didn't like that universe. Those guys were douche bags.

"Well, there are many more. Anyway, I found a way to destroy the plane forever."

"Will it help us get Sam?" Castiel nodded. "So, how do we do it?"

Castiel sighed, " _We_ don't do anything; I do. In order to destroy the world you need to cancel it out."

"What do you mean? How do we do that?"

"The plane is basically nothing but a force of evil, so to cancel it out we need a force of good." Seeing Dean's look of confusion, Castiel explained. "I'm an angel with all of my powers, so my grace will cancel out the plane altogether."

Dean rose to his feet in shock. "What?! No, we need something else." He turned away from Castiel shaking his head.

"There _is_ nothing else. The world was designed to house at least one soul. It will not let the soul go until it's done its term. It will never let Sam go until you die."

"Then kill me, or hell I'll do it. I'm not letting you do that." He didn't want to die, but he couldn't let his friend die for them. He wants to see his brother desperately, but he couldn't let the angel die.

"Think about it Dean,'' Castiel said rising to his feet. "If we don't do this, then when you do die, another person is just going to do what Sam did. More and more people are going to die... time will keep starting over unless we do this." Castiel walked around and stood in front of his friend. Dean didn't meet his eyes. "Look, I'm going to do this, because I don't want Sam to be there anymore than you do, and I'm not to watch you kill yourself to get to him either. I'm not going to die if that's what you're worried about."

Dean's head shot up, "I don't understand."

"My grace, not me, is going to cancel out the world."

Dean furrowed his brows, "So, what? You'll be human?"

"More or less,'' Castiel said shrugging his shoulders.

"Your power will destroy it, fine, but how are you going to do your part without it?" He was happy that he wouldn't lose his friend, but they needed Castiel's grace to go with their plan. Castiel's part was a major part of the plan.

"Dean, don't worry. Your plan will work out; we'll get Sam."

"What happens to you when you send me and Sam back?"

"I don't know. If you guys change things, I'll probably disappear. The timeline that created me won't exist anymore.''

No! That can't happen. "Come with us." Castiel looked unsure. "Please. You're important to us both. You're family, so you have to come back.''

It took some convincing, but in the end Castiel agreed.

* * *

Dean made sure everything was ready. He prayed that this would work. Castiel had said once that time could not be changed, but it could if Castiel didn't have the power to bring them back. He was a little unsure with this plan, but Castiel had told him that there wouldn't be two sets of them. His and Sam's soul would merge with the other Sam and Dean.

He had to decide carefully when to send them back. Castiel had told him that him and Sam were always meant to be hunters, so it wouldn't change. Mary had to die, and John had to become a hunter to train his sons. The question was when?

While Castiel was preparing himself for Sam's rescue, he finally decided when would be the best time to go back. He had decided to go back to the moment that set them down the path that became their lives. It would be hard for him, but he knew that if he wanted to fix everything he would have to do this.

"Are you ready, Cas?" Dean asked preparing to say the spell.

"Yes. What time did you come up with?" Dean told him, and Castiel couldn't help but agree. It was the time they could hope for. "Dean, remember that you don't have to do this."

Dean looked him straight in the eyes. "Cas, my whole life has revolved around that kid. I felt empty or at least felt like a part of me was gone. I didn't know what it was. Now, I know it's him. When it came to Sam I've always been fucked up and selfish, and I'm okay with that. I understand what he was trying to do, but if this is what being normal is, then I don't want it. I just want my brother, okay? I can't do it without my brother. I don't _want_ to do it without my brother. And if he's gone, then I-" He choked up not being able to continue.

Castiel laid a hand on Dean's shoulder. He said softly, "I understand." 

Dean cleared his throat. "Since we're all going to be staying there, things won't go like the other times. The spell said that it would take a short time for our memories to catch up with us. Just make sure that you and Sam come back in time. Since you'll be human, we only have one shot at changing our future."

Castiel nodded. Dean spoke the spell in clear Latin. As soon as Dean spoke the spell, Castiel gently put his two fingers on Dean's forehead. The last thing Dean remembered was Castiel telling him that they'll see him soon. Then everything went black.

* * *

"Why did you do it?" asked Sam. He was in a lot of pain. He needed to break free! There was no way that he can let this happen.

"Why? You mean why did I kill mommy and pretty little Jess?" Yellow Eyes said mockingly. Sam nodded. "They got in my way," Yellows Eyes stated with a simple shrug.

"Of what?"

"They got in the way of my plans for you Sammy, and all the children like you."

The demon's attention turned to Dean. Sam hated it when his brother did that. He loved Dean, but he didn't want his brother to get hurt because of him. He cursed under his breath. He needed to break free. He was brought out of his thoughts when Dean yelled out in pain.

"Dean! No!"

Blood flowed out of Dean's mouth. Sam struggled against the demon's power. He had to get free. He couldn't allow anyone else he loved die because of him. He couldn't lose Dean. His death would break Sam for sure.

"Don't you let it kill me, Dad!" Dean yelled out in pain.

John managed to get control back. He was not going to let the bastard kill his son. Dean dropped to the floor. Sam went for the gun on the table and pointed it at his dad. He shot John in the leg despite the demon saying he wouldn't. The demon went down, and Sam went to check on his brother.

"Dean? Oh my god, you've lost a lot of blood."

"Dad... where's dad?"

"He's over there." Sam pointed to John's body across the floor. Dean ordered him to check on their father. Sam went even though he wanted to stay with his brother.

John laid on the ground motionless. When Sam got closer, John's eyes shot open and Sam knew right away that it was his dad instead of the demon. For a moment, Sam thought he killed the demon.

"Sam? It's still alive. I can feel it. Shoot me. You shoot me in the heart son," John said struggling to keep the demon inside.

"Sam, don't do it. Don't you do it," Dean begged when he saw Sam point the Colt at their father.

"Sam, you have to hurry. I can't hold it much longer." Sam didn't pull the trigger, but didn't put it down either.

"Sam, please don't do it."

Before John could beg even more, he yelled out as the demon smoked out. Sam felt horrible, because they've been waiting for this moment all his life, and now it was too late. The demon was almost out, when all of a sudden a man in a trench coat appeared out of nowhere and shoved the smoke back down John's throat.

Dean managed to sit up, "Who the hell-" Dean's eyes widened. "Cas?"

Castiel didn't say anything to him. He looked at Sam, "Do it Sam!"

Sam looked at his dad whose mouth was still being covered by the man. He didn't know who the hell he was, but it seemed Dean did. He looked back at Dean not knowing what to do.

"Dean?"

"Hurry up Sam!" The man in the trench coat screamed.

Dean looked from John to Sam, and he looked so sad and broken. He nodded his head, "Do it, Sam."

What the hell was his brother saying? It was just a few moments ago that Dean begged him not to, and now he was saying to do it?

"Sam, do it,'' Dean ordered with a sense of authority that Sam knew he didn't possess before the man showed up.

Sam turned his attention back to his dad. He could tell the man was losing his grip on the demon. John gave a slight nod, and without waiting any longer Sam pulled the trigger and shot his father in the heart. Castiel gently laid John's body on the ground when the demon died.

Castiel went to check on Dean, and healed him. He helped Dean to his feet, and they looked at Sam who didn't move.

* * *

"Dean?" said Sam after a long silence. Both Dean and Castiel were worried that Sam didn't know who Castiel was when Dean did. Sam just stood there with his head low staring at the body of their dead father.

"I'm sorry,'' Sam said in a hushed tone. No one can deny the guilt in Sam's voice.

"Cas, can you give us a minute?" Castiel nodded and walked out. Dean walked around Sam and frowned when he saw the defeated look on his face. This was definitely his brother, because he didn't remember ever seeing Sam look this broken the first time around.

"Dean, I'm so sorry." Sam didn't meet his gaze. "I just wanted to do something right for you. I knew that me being born caused a lot of issues, so I thought it would be better if I changed that. Please, don't hate me." Sam begged. Dean could tell that he was on the verge of crying.

Dean pulled Sam in an embrace, and they held onto each other not wanting to let go. Sam's body shook, and Dean knew he finally broke down. He never liked it when Sam cried, it just wasn't right for Sam to cry for anything.

"Sam, it's okay.'' Sam shook his head, but still didn't say anything. "No, listen to me. It is okay, because now you know that your life is so much more than you thought it was. It's just as important than mine. I'm grateful that you wanted to do something for me, but I don't ever want to live without you."

"That doesn't matter," Sam yelled pushing away from Dean. Dean looked torn at being pushed away. "It doesn't matter that my life is important or have some meaning. The fact is that because of what I did, you were hurt. You were raped by our dad. Our mom who you loved didn't care about you. You were gang raped, and that was all my fault." Sam turned his back on Dean.

"How can you ever forgive me for doing this to you? I did this to you. I watched you all these years and you were miserable, and that was my fault. I just wanted you to finally be happy, but I hurt you instead. You were right," Sam sighed, "I am selfish. I wasn't thinking about what you wanted when I made that deal. I might as well have abused you and raped you myself," he added miserably. 

"Sam, I'm glad you did what you did. Maybe it didn't go exactly the way you wanted, but I think this was how it was supposed to be. The only problem is that you thought your birth was what caused our lives to go the way it did, but it was this moment. If you had killed the demon the first time, you never would've been taken and you never would've died. I never would've went to Hell, and everything else never would've happened. So, if you never would've done this, who knows what would've happened."

"I'm still sorry." Sam knew he was right.

Dean gave a small sincere smile, "Well, I forgive you."

"Are you guys okay now?" asked Castiel.

They nodded. They're as okay as they're going to be. It'll take time and quite a few talks, but they'll get there. 

"Well, I think we should do something about your father's body."

Both brothers looked at their father, but none of them moved. They still felt conflicted with him. They knew very well that this wasn't the same John that hurt Dean, but it didn't make them feel any better.

About two hours later, John's body was finally set on top of the funeral pyre. Castiel lit it, and all three men watched the body burn. None of them spoke a word until the fire went out. They all went to the Impala, and just sat inside.

"Sam?" Dean said breaking the silence that filled the car. "You know, now that we killed the demon you can finally go live normal." Dean wanted anything but Sam to leave, but as the big brother he had to think about Sam's well being. He forced Sam into this. If he had just stayed away, then-

"No. I learned a long time ago that I love this life. Saving people, hunting things, the family business _is_ my life. We belong on the road. This is what we were always meant to do. Now that we kept our memories, we can do it right this time."

Dean couldn't fight the smile that broke across his face. He put the car in drive, and his baby took them off into the night.

* * *

Two days later, Dean woke up from yet another nightmare. He was breathing heavily, and sweat covered him all over. He looked up to find Sam and Castiel staring at him with concern written on their faces.

"I'm fine." Dean laid back down rubbing his face. He just wanted these nightmares to go away. He didn't know how long he could go on constantly dreaming about being raped. This time it's being taken place where it originally happened. He's back in the house and in the car.

Sam shook his head, "No, you're not fine. Cas,'' he looked back at Castiel sitting on the small couch, "is there anything you can do to help him?"

"Well, I think there's something I can do." Castiel stood up and walked to sit on the bed with Dean. "I can erase your memories."

Dean's eyes widened. He remembered having Castiel erase himself from Lisa and Ben's memories. He would love to forget about what was done to him, but he still didn't want to forget everything whether it was bad or not.

"Can you just erase the rapes? The abuse I can forget in time. I don't want to forget completely, but I don't want to have to remember our dad that way." He looked at Sam asking with his eyes.

Sam smiled knowing what he was asking. "Cas, erase what I saw as well. I don't want to remember what John did to him."

Castiel nodded in agreement, "I only have a small amount of Grace left, but what I have will be enough for this."

"Are you okay with being human?"

Castiel chuckled. "Of course. It's not like I've never been human before." He touched both of their foreheads and erased what happened from their minds. He could feel his grace fading away. He felt the familiar sensation of humanity. Surprisingly, he was okay with this. In fact, he was happy being human.

"What about Jimmy?"

"I'm alone in this body." Sam and Dean shared a look of confusion. "The timeline that Jimmy belonged to no longer exists now that we changed the past. I'm able to keep the body since I was an angel when I came here. So, Jimmy no longer exists."

"So, what are you going to do now that you're human?" asked Sam sitting back on his bed.

Castiel shrugged his shoulders. He wanted to stay with the brothers, but he wasn't going to ask unless they offered first. He wasn't going to intrude on their lives if they didn't want him.

As if reading Cas' mind, Dean asked, "Cas, want to become a hunter?"

The smile on the former angel's face was answer enough. Team Free Will was back in action.

* * *

One Year Later:

The brothers had to go through a lot of trouble to track down the last of the original Men of Letters. They explained what they could to get the key from him, and eventually they had the key to their old home.

Both men were sitting in the library looking for a new hunt, while Castiel went to get dinner. Sam's mind trailed off and couldn't help remembering when he was finally saved.

_(Flashback)_

_Sam sat on the chair watching the screen. He felt like shit hearing his brother yell at him. He had no idea that Dean felt that way. He cried like a damn child listening to his brother's words._

_Ever since the wall broke, he has been feeling lonely. He hadn't realized that he was alone until Dean disappeared. He had been waiting for his brother to go to sleep so they would meet again, but Dean was fighting sleep. He was hurt that Dean didn't want to see him so bad that he would risk his health, but he understood that Dean was just too hurt._

_He stopped listening after Dean walked out of the motel. He just walked around on the other side. He was lost in his own thoughts when out of nowhere he felt the ground shaking. It was like an earthquake. He began to panic, because this had never happened before. Sam tried to make it back to where he was when he heard yelling._

_"SAM!"_

_He knew that voice. He hasn't heard it in eighteen years, but he could never forget it._

_"Cas,'' he said under his breath. He picked up his pace, and smiled in happiness when he saw the familiar trench coat. "Cas!" Castiel looked at him, and smiled in relief. "What are you doing here?" He asked after hugging the angel._

_"Saving you of course."_

_Sam frowned and backed away. "You can't. The deal-"_

_"Haven't you been watching?" Sam shook his head. "We found a way to fix everything. Take my hand." They looked around again when the ground shook even worse. "Hurry. We don't have that much time."_

_"What about Dean? Where is he?" Sam asked taking Castiel's hands._

_"He's already there."_

_"Where?"_

_"Not where... when." Castiel closed his eyes. He had to do this gently otherwise he could kill them both, and he knew what Dean would do if they didn't come back. He couldn't let that happen._

_"What?"_

_"I sent him back to 2006. We're going to meet him there." Castiel could feel the darkness surrounding the world, and began to push out his grace._

_"I don't understand. How is that going to fix everything?"_

_"You'll see." Castiel could sense Sam's doubt, and squeezed Sam's hand in reassurance. "Trust me."_

_That was the last thing he heard when everything went dark. The next thing he knew, he was standing in front of his father's dead body with the Colt in hand._

"Sam?"

Sam looked up seeing Dean waving his hands trying to get his attention. "What?"

"Dude, I've been trying to get your attention for like five minutes already. Are you okay?" Dean was concerned about his brother. He had been spacing out a lot lately.

"Yeah, just thinking."

"Well, knock it off." Dean put the newspapers to the side, "I found us a case."

"What is it?"

Dean smirked. "Got a call from Deacon,'' and he left it at that.

That name sounded familiar. He had to think about it for a moment. He groaned, "Not much of a case. So, what we go find the grave and burn the body?"

"Yeah." Dean's smirk fell from his face, and he looked at his brother. "Do you remember who it was?"

"No." Sam stared at his brother and then groaned. "You have got to be kidding me."

"What's wrong?" asked Castiel coming into the library with pizza.

"We can't remember who it was that we're looking for," Sam said glaring at Dean.

"So, what do we do?"

Dean grabbed the pizza box from Castiel and his keys while Sam grabbed the beer and they made their way to the garage.

"Come on Cas. It's time you build up your reputation with the police."

Castiel had no choice but to follow.

Each man was completely happy that the only things they needed to do or worry about were regular hunts. They may not have the natural civilian life, but who needed natural when they were happy with the supernatural?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it. Until next time. -Kauri510


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all to those who have made it to the end. I'm well aware that the way I had the boys kill the monster isn't accurate, but I wanted it to be like that for a reason.

Epilogue:

Sam sat on his bed with Dean and just watched TV. They shared a beer, and Sam couldn't help but smile. Dean was his best friend, and he couldn't ask for a better soul mate. When he was a child he looked up to his brother, and to this day, even here, he's still looking up to him. He always wanted to be just like him; strong, confident and a good man. Sam glanced at Dean, and just felt happy.

He remembered when Dean first told him what their dad did, and Dean said John was a superhero. Dean saw their dad as a superhero, and that may be but Sam had his own. John was Dean's superhero... Dean was Sam's.

Dean didn't turn to look at his brother, even though he knew he was being watched. Sam was always looking at him lost in his thoughts, and he never once complained. They usually sat in Sam's room to watch TV or they would go off on their own. No matter where they were in the bunker, they always ended up together; be it Sam's room, or Dean's, or the library, etc. Dean was perfectly fine with that.

It might seem strange to most people that your soul mate is your sibling, but Dean didn't care. Who better to be your soul mate than someone who knows you inside and out? Or someone who has died for you, and you for them? Who better than someone who would do anything for you even when you sometimes don't deserve it? So, no. Dean didn't care that Sam was his soul mate. He wouldn't want anyone else to be the core of his soul, and he's honored to be Sam's.

"Sam?" Dean said putting his beer down. Sam looked over at him, but Dean didn't meet his gaze. "I'm sorry," Dean sounded sad.

Sam frowned. "For what?"

"I know you loved her, and I'm sorry that you're stuck here with me instead of being with her."

Sam smiled sadly. "Dean, I love you. You're my brother, and I don't want to be anywhere else but here."

Dean shook his head in denial, "But, you love-"

Sam was happy to interrupt his brother, "Yeah, I love her and I always will, but I would rather be here with my soul mate."

* * *

Fifteen Years Ago:

"Dean!" Sam yelled. "Cas!"

He hated it when they had to split up. He just prayed that they were okay with going after the Wendigos. He's going to be pissed if they were not okay.

Sam had eventually found the two girls that were taken, but one couldn't walk and the other was too weak to move. He groaned. Now wasn't the damn time for this. He needed to get them out so he could help his brothers.

The plan was to draw the monsters where Sam was and then blow up the whole place. There were just too many of them, and there was no way they were going to be able to kill them all. It was better to just kill them all at once. Sam had set the explosives, and picked up the girl who couldn't walk.

"I'm going to get her out, and I'll come back for you. Don't make any noise." Sam didn't wait for a response, he just booked it out of there.

It had taken some time since he had to dodge a few Wendigos, since he ran out of flares for his gun, but he eventually made it out. He put her in the circle, and ran back.

He finally made it back to the other girl, and just before he went to take her out he saw Castiel running up to him.

Castiel looked around. "Where's the other girl?" he asked slightly out of breath.

"Outside. Where's Dean?" Sam asked looking behind Castiel expecting his brother to come out. No such luck.

"He's still back there. Sam, he's hurt. I tried to help him, but I needed your help; he's too heavy." Castiel felt terrible for leaving Dean, but he had to find Sam. He was strong enough to carry Dean.

Sam had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He gave the girl to Castiel who looked at him confused. "Go! I'll get Dean. Take her out there, and keep them safe in case any get out."

"What about the explosives?" Castiel craddled the girl in his arms.

"I got the remote. As soon as we're outside, we'll blow it up. Now get her out of here!" Castiel nodded and took off to the outside.

Sam ran back down the path that Castiel had come from. He couldn't shake the feeling away. His heart beat faster and faster. He would feel so much better when they are all outside. Sam stopped in his tracks shocked at what he was seeing. Dean was on the ground surrounded by three dead Wendigos, and he knew Castiel was right; he was hurt... very badly. He didn't know where the rest were, and he didn't want to stay to find out.

"Dean! God, are you okay?" He knew it was a dumb thing to ask, but he couldn't help himself. He checked Dean's wounds, and gasped when he saw the long claw marks on his chest. He was bleeding terribly. He needed to get him to a hospital quickly.

"Sam... I... not going-'' Dean coughed up blood. His whole body felt like it was on fire. He wanted the pain to go away.

"Shush, don't speak. I'm going to get you out of here and to a hospital." Sam wrapped an arm around Dean's waist and Dean's arm around his neck and helped him up. Dean groaned in pain and a few tears slipped down. "You'll be fine. It's not even that bad. You're going to be just fine."

Dean didn't know who he was trying to convince. He shook his head, but he didn't let go. At their speed rate, they were never going to make it back out without running into more Wendigos. They finally made it back to where Sam found the girls, but by then Dean's legs gave out.

"Sam, I'm not going to make it.'' More blood came out of Dean's mouth. Before Sam could respond, they heard growling coming closer. "Go. I need you to go,'' Dean gently pushed against Sam's chest.

Sam shook his head fighting against his tears; he was losing. "No. Don't give up on me. You have a son now. What's he going to do without his father?"

He remembered the day a woman holding a little boy in her arms came to their motel. It took a lot of convincing and explaining, but eventually Dean remembered having slept with her a couple years ago. By just looking at the child, Dean knew he was his. Dean fell in love as soon as he held his son for the first time. The mother didn't want anything to do with the child, and Dean never once argued. Her loss was his gain.

"Take care of him. Now give me the remote and go!"

Sam gently held Dean in his arms. He smiled down at the man he would do anything for. He took out the remote and looked up just in time to see the group of Wendigos coming at them. Sam leaned down and whispered in Dean's ear. Dean's eyes widened, but then relaxed and smiled.

Dean's eyes began to close and he mumbled, "Bitch."

"Jerk.'' Sam chuckled despite his tears.

* * *

Castiel stood in the circle with the two girls. He waited and waited for his brothers to come, but after a short while Castiel told the girls not to leave the circle. He was running back to the entrance and was just about to answer when he was thrown far back from an explosion. He groaned and winced a little from the pain coming from his back.

Castiel sat up and stared at the entrance. It caved in. The silence surrounding him told him that neither brother had come out. He ignored the pain from his back and ran to the entrance. He tried to move the rocks, but it was to no avail. They were simply too heavy.

"SAM!" Castiel yelled. His eyes began to sting from his tears. "DEAN!"

Nothing. They were gone, and he was on his own. He fell to his knees, and just stared. He couldn't believe this. They couldn't die.

* * *

 

It had been a few days since Sam and Dean had died. It was a lot more difficult than he thought it would be to get what was left of their bodies from the local morgue. He didn't care that Sam and Dean didn't need a full body pyre, he made it anyway. They were soul mates and brothers, so it was only right they share.

Castiel stood there with Johnathan and Mary watching their bodies burn. Castiel found it very difficult to tell Johnathan that his daddy wasn't coming back. Johnny had kept to himself, and it hurt to see the boy heartbroken at losing his dad.

When Johnny had come to live with them, Dean had set him and Sam down and discussed what they were going to do. Dean was already hellbent on keeping him, hunting life or not. He was already in love. By the end of their conversation, they had decided that if anything were to happen to him, then Sam would take care of him. What had surprised him even more was that they said that in the case that both brothers died, then Castiel would take care of him. He may have been surprised, but he was happy nonetheless.

Then a year later, Mary came about. It was the same thing with her that they decided with Johnny. Mary's mother had died giving birth to her, and Sam was depressed for a long time. It took some effort from both Castiel and Dean, but eventually he began to heal. It wasn't easy, but it was worth all the yelling and screaming on Sam's part to see him smile again.

Castiel couldn't afford to get depressed when he had two kids to look after. He would mourn his brothers, but he would just have to mourn and take care of his niece and nephew at the same time. He prayed that one day that when it's his time... he'll see the boys again.

What had surprised him about this whole thing was what he had found in his pocket the day Sam and Dean died. When he was walking away from the police, when the girls were taken to the hospital, he shoved his hands in his pockets and made his way to the Impala. Castiel didn't know how he was going to get the car out of here. He wasn't too great at hotwiring.

All of a sudden he froze when he felt something in his pockets. Something that wasn't there before. He frowned and pulled the objects out and stared. Seeing what was in his hand made him break down. He leaned against the car and cried.

What was in his hand were two sets of keys. One for the bunker... and the other for the Impala.

* * *

Sam and Dean had felt a little sad that they wouldn't be able to watch their own child grow up, but they believed that Castiel was taking great care of them. Dean had come back into Sam's room with a case of beer, and a plate of sandwhiches. He handed one to Sam and grabbed one for himself. He found it a little funny that even though they were in their Heaven they could still eat and drink.

Dean had stopped eating, and paused their movie. Sam was just about to ask him what was wrong, but Dean explained on his own.

"Why didn't you go with her?" he asked.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked putting his food down. Whenever Dean needed to talk, Sam always gave him his undivided attention.

"When we came here, you were asked if you wanted to go with Jessie. You guys were dating for a few years. I mean, come one, she's the mother of your child. You loved her. Why didn't you go with her? You could be enjoying eternity with her, yet you're here."  _with me._

Dean loved their Heaven. Sam was his brother, and he loved it, but he couldn't help but feel that Sam really didn't want to be here. When they had went back to 2006, Dean had realized that he didn't have all the walls he built. He had most of them, but because of the abuse and loneliness he endured, he couldn't shove his feelings behind the wall he had built. He just couldn't keep his feelings to himself. At first he hated it, but after awhile he had felt better... stronger. He felt closer to his brother more than he ever had.

Sam sighed. This wasn't the first time since they died that Dean had asked that question, and since he knew his brother this won't be the last. Dean had a lot of insecurities he had kept to himself, but Sam has come to know most of them. He didn't like that Dean had to doubt what he said, but he had no issues reminding him.

"The eighteen years that I watched you grow up in that other timeline was hard for me. I may have been watching you, but it wasn't enough. It doesn't matter if we're in Heaven, I can't go on without you. If I was having a difficult time handling eighteen years without you, do you really think I could handle eternity? Besides, only soul mates can share a Heaven. So, you'll just have to deal with being stuck with me."

Dean opened his mouth to speak, but they heard thunder and rose to their feet. It was about time; they thought they would have to wait forever for the guy to show up. The brothers were sad that he was here because of what it meant, but happy too. They made their way to the front door, and they saw Castiel walking down the stairs.

"Hey Cas," Sam greeted. They all hugged each other and eventually broke apart.

"So, about time you showed up." Dean led them all to the library and they each grabbed a chair.

"Thanks," Castiel rolled his eyes, but smiled anyway. "You guys look good. Exactly the way I remember."

Dean chuckled, "Well being dead in Heaven would do that to you."

"How are the kids?" asked Sam.

As soon as Sam asked, Dean became serious. He wanted to know as well.

Castiel sighed then smiled. "They're good. Johnny had just turned twenty one. He looks just like you Dean." Dean looked proud. "Mary had gotten her first broken heart. Johnny had offered to go shoot the guy. Luckily he didn't." Castiel chuckled.

Sam's jaw dropped. "You let my daughter date?" She was so lucky he wasn't there, because if he was she wouldn't be dating until she was thirty... and maybe not even then. It would depend on his mood.

"Hey, it's not my fault. Mary made a convincing argument."

"How old is she?" Sam asked with tears in his eyes.

"Sixteen." Castiel leaned forward, "Samantha has just turned twelve a few months ago."

Sam and Dean shared a look, then asked together, "Who's Samantha?"

"Samantha Dee Novak. My daughter; named after my two best friends."

"You named her after us?" Dean felt so much pride and joy, and he knew his brother did too. "Wait! You met someone? Who?"

"Her name's Amy. She's a hunter, and she's wonderful to the kids. We were thinking about having another baby." Castiel cleared his throat, "I hope you guys don't mind, but I left the bunker to her and the kids. Johnny was given the car last year, Dean, and he loves it. Of course, I still drove it now and again.''

Dean nodded unable to speak. He wanted more than anything to have been there. He enjoyed being with Sam, but he wished that he would've raised Johnny himself. In his old life he never thought he would become a father, and when he finally did he was so happy Sam did what he did. He and his brother may have died, but at least they were able to leave something wonderful behind.

* * *

"Do they know about us?" Dean asked in a soft voice.

Castiel looked to his friend in sympathy. "Yeah, they all know about the great Sam and Dean Winchester. They know everything about you guys. When they got old enough, I finally sat them down and told them everything."

Dean's head shot up eyes wide. "Everything?" He wanted his son and niece to know about them, but he was a little hesitant on talking about his time without Sam.

"Yeah, everything. I wanted them to know everything about you guys. Who their fathers were, and what they did for us... for the world. Johnny needed to know what his uncle did for his dad and what it did to him when it didn't go as plan. Mary needed to know her uncle took care of her dad like he was his own. You saved so many people, people that didn't know they needed to be saved. You two are heroes, and the world owes you so much. Your kids and my daughter deserves to know who you are."

Sam wiped away his tears, and patted his brother's back. Out of nowhere a picture materialized and was placed at the end of the table. Dean was closer, so he held it between him and his brother. Without needing Castiel to tell them who was in it, they already knew. The picture showed three kids.

The tallest one, a boy, wore a brown leather jacket. He had dark blond hair, and blue green eyes. He looked tough, but there was a softness in his face. He looked just like his dad. His right hand was placed around a young girl's shoulder. She had brown hair that went slightly passed her shoulders. She wore a plaid shirt, and black skinny jeans. The shortest of the three had black hair, blue eyes, and smile that could comfort anyone. Mary and Johnny grew up nice.

"Just so you know, your kids are very proud of you both." Neither Sam nor Dean could respond to that.

"Cas?" Sam said looking away from the photo. He didn't know how to ask this, but he was curious, and he could tell Dean was too. "How did you die?"

Castiel sighed heavily, and rubbed his face. "I was taking Johnny on his first werewolf hunt, and Samantha wanted to come. Of course I said no, she being too young. We were hunting it, but somehow she snuck away and I heard her yelling for me. We caught up with it, and I saw her thrown by the monster, and just before it attacked I got in front of her. Johnny managed to get it, but I died anyway. I told him before that in the event that anything happened to me on the hunt to call Amy. I imagine he's doing that right now."

"Cas, I'm sorry." Dean remembered when he didn't want the man to die saving Sam, and it felt strange that he still died. He was aware that when Castiel became human that this day would come, but it saddened him.

Castiel waved them off. "Don't worry about it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat." And he would. Whether it was his own child, or Sam and Dean's child... he would've still done what he did. The Winchester line needs to live on.

"So why are you here? Not that we don't want you here, but I didn't know you could come here." Dean asked looking up from the picture.

"I was told I could stay here until it's Amy's time. She's my soul mate, but I can stay here with you guys until then. Hopefully, it won't be for a very long time."

"Awesome. There are plenty of rooms, but we're watching TV in Sam's room. Come on." Taking the picture with them, all three men walked to Sam's room.

* * *

Castiel had taken off to the library a few hours later, and Dean went off to his own room. They all knew that no one in Heaven needed to sleep, but it didn't mean they couldn't. Sam laid on his bed, and closed his eyes. He learned a long time ago, that when anyone were to sleep in Heaven you don't dream. You're just remembering happy memories.

_Sam leaned down and whispered gently, "There ain't no me... if there ain't no you." Dean's eyes widened, but then relaxed and smiled._

_Dean's eyes began to close and he mumbled, "Bitch."_

_"Jerk." Sam chuckled despite his tears, and pressed the button._

_Neither Sam nor Dean felt any pain. It was too quick which they were grateful._

_The next thing he knew he was next to his brother standing in front of a door with their name on it. He tried to turn the knob, but it wouldn't open. Sam heard a voice behind him that asked if he would like to be with Jessie, or stay with Dean. He looked to Dean and knew that he had heard the voice too. Dean looked nervous and scared. It only took one look at his brother to decide what he wanted to do. Once he made his choice, he turned the knob and it opened._

Sam was shaken awake by Dean. He didn't need sleep which meant he wasn't tired, so he sat up. "What's up?"

"Want to watch another movie with me?" Dean asked pointing at the TV.

Sam smiled and agreed. They sat there watching the movie drinking the beer Dean had brought in.

It wasn't really a choice. When he looked at Dean, he remembered what Dean had told him a long time ago.

_'Given the choice... I'll always choose you.'_

Well, given the choice, no matter what... Sam will always choose Dean above everything. And not once in the fifteen years since they came to their Heaven did Sam ever regret opening their door.

 

 

_**The End** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I'm really glad I finished it. The ending came out a lot better than I thought it would. I'm sorry I had killed the boys, but I wanted it to end with them in Heaven. I hope you guys liked it. Thank you! And I hope to hear what you all think. Until next time. -Kauri510

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope to hear what you all think. Until next time. -Kauri510


End file.
